Your Map Is Not the Territory...Mine Is.

Parenting: Experiencing Fun Differently

2011-07-26T00:05:00.000-05:00

My wife and two boys (ages 3 and 18 months) recently took a short family vacation to Branson, Missouri. We had a blast! This was our first real family vacation since our oldest boy was born. I learned a valuable lesson while on this trip. I had to learn to experience fun differently. Before children, my wife and I could go to places like Silver Dollar City (SDC) and go crazy riding roller coasters and water rides. We could stay in our hotel and watch movies, take a dip in the pool to cool off, or relax in the hot tub with no worries. Well, all these experiences are not the same when you are a parent. We pretty much stayed in the kiddie section at SDC. We swam everyday but most of our time in the pool was spent watching the kiddos. Even when we were relaxing in the hotel room we were tending to kids. But we still had so much fun!

Although I don't agree with the common thought that parents should center their lives around their children, I do think that parents have to learn to enjoy watching their children enjoy life. That is exactly what we did. Sure there were times my wife and I wished we could get away for bit by ourselves (and we were able to a couple of times because of other family members present willing to watch the kids), but our hearts smiled continuously as we watched our children play in the hotel pool or ride the train at SDC or play with their cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandparents. My children had so many wonderful first experiences...I wouldn't have missed it for the world!

One final story: At one point during our family vacation, I found myself having to discipline my 3 yr old for misbehavior. I briefly caught myself thinking, "Here we are taking time out of our day and money out of our pockets to spend some quality time as a family, but instead I am having to tend to a screaming child." This thought was short-lived, because I very quickly began to think to myself, "You know what? Even though there are moments like this where some form of discipline is required, these kids need to have experiences like the ones they have had this week." I felt like my sons and I grew so much closer during our time at Branson, even though they had to sit in time-out on occasion.

So next time you find yourself feeling a little robbed because you are having to give up your personal time and money for your children. Try to remember that you are facilitating important experiences in their lives; and you being a part of that will help you and your children grow closer together. You can't put a price tag on building your relationship with your children.

Good luck and God bless you in your parenting endeavors.

The Journey Toward Self-Love

2011-03-12T22:21:00.001-06:00

Learning to love ourselves is not an easy process. In fact, many people spend a lifetime trying overcome self-hatred, but are never successful. Valuing oneself or having a healthy sense of self-worth is an important componant when trying to function in this world. Husbands and wives deserve a spouse that loves themselves. Children deserve to have parents that value themselves. Bosses and companies deserve to have employees with a strong sense of self-confidence and competance. We owe it to ourselve and those around us to love ourselves. Here are some tips to help you get started:

Identify and process your strengths. Understanding what you are good at and why you are good at it is an important step in your journey toward self-love. Too many times we are so focused on the negative aspects of our being that we don't recognize the positive characteristics of our existance.

Understand your weaknesses. Althougth we want our strengths to be our main focus, we still need to have a better understanding of our weaknesses. Having this all-around understanding allows us to better prepare ourselves for the tasks and challenges life presents to us.

Forgive your shortcomings. The realilty is that we all fall short from time to time. We live as imperfect beings; and in that imperfection we often say or do things that we regret. We cannot allow our shortcomings to define us. We have to learn to forgive ourselves.

Let go of the past. Not only do we need to learn to forgive ourselves, we also need to work toward forgiving others. When we hold on to the hurts others have caused us, we end up harboring bitterness and resentment. When we do this, the only person we punish is ourselves. Thus, forgiving others is as much or more about our healing than the one how has sinned against us. Anywho.....I believe it is necessary in moving toward self-love.

Keep in mind that loving yourself doesn't mean you have to be self-absorbed. Loving and serving others should always be a high priority for you. However, I find it hard to believe that we can effectively love and serve others if we aren't loving ourselves first. God obviously valued us enough to send his son to die for us. It is about time we start seeing ourselves in that same light. I hope these tips will be a blessing to you in your journey toward learning to love and value yourself. God bless.

Divorce-Proofing Your Marriage: In-Laws Don't Have to be Outlaws

2011-01-31T21:51:00.000-06:00

We often cut up and joke about our in-laws. Mother-in-laws seem to have it the worst as they have become the butt of many jokes. As I write this a commercial just came on poking fun at mother-in-laws. The reality is that in-laws are a source of contention for many married couples. As a marriage and family therapist, I can't even begin to count how many times I have had conversations with couples on this very matter. But what if your in-laws could actually help your marriage? What if your in-laws could actually benefit your commitment to your marriage? I actually believe this is possible.

Here is my challenge to you as one of many ways to divorce-proof your marriage - Fall in LOVE with your IN-LAWS. You might be thinking, "WHAT?!" Yes, work hard at loving your in-laws. This will be harder for some than others (and maybe impossible for many). However, if you can fall in-love with your in-laws, when things get tough in your marriage, it becomes one more thing you have set in place that encourages you to hang in there; because if you lose your spouse to divorce, you will most likely lose his/her parents as well. Therefore, loving your in-laws gives you more incentive to keep your marriage healthy or, if it isn't healthy, to work hard at getting it that way. On the other hand, a bad relationship with your in-laws just makes it easier to give up.

As I mentioned, falling in love with your in-laws will be harder for some than others. However, I encourage you to put out some effort to build lasting relationships with them anyway. Your marriage will be better for it. As always, your thoughts are welcomed.

Lesson in COMMUNICATION from a 3-Year Old

2010-12-13T09:17:00.000-06:00

The other day my 3 yr old son was playing with the musical Tigger doll as seen in the picture. The way it works is that you press the button on his left foot and he does a song and dance while lighting up. However, the problem with this particular Tigger doll is that there is some sort of malfunction in the button on his foot. To get him to work, you have to press and hold the button the entire time or else Tigger stops singing and dancing. Well, as my son was trying to get Tigger to work, I heard him say in very cute, by high-pitched tone, “I can’t do it, Dad.” So I said to him, “You have to hold it.” So he did just that. He proceeded to lift up Tigger and set him in his lap. Then he looked back at me as if to say, “Now what?” Struggling not to laugh, I said, “No, you have to squeeze it.” My son looked at Tigger while pondering my suggestion. He slowly lifted his hand and then squeezed Tigger’s nose. I busted out laughing at this point. HE WAS SO CUTE! He was completely misunderstanding what I meant, but all the while doing exactly as I instructed him to.

We often find ourselves having the same form of miscommunication in our relationships. However, in a marriage or a parent-adolescent relationship the miscommunication isn’t as cute as seen here with my 3 yr old. It is almost as if we just cannot understand how our spouse or teenager, for instance, could ever interpret our requests or suggestions as anything other than the way we pictured in our minds. One thing we need to understand when it comes to learning to effectively communicate is that misinterpretations don’t go away with age. We are no better at mind-reading at 30 yrs old than we were at 3 yrs old. Effective communication is a skill that can be taught, but never mastered. We owe it to ourselves and to those we care about to continually work hard at improving our communication skills. One lesson I hope you take from this post is that “mindreading” is a HUGE No-No! We should never assume the other person should “just know” what we are saying or talking about.

My 3 yr old is learning more and more about how to effectively communicate every day. Watching him grow and learn is an awesome experience. I think it is so neat when I get the privilege of seeing something “click” with him; to actually see him “get it.” When this happens to us as adults, the adorable-factor can be ruled out, but it can be a very rewarding experience still. So hang in there.

Coping with the Post-Holiday Blues

2010-12-01T08:31:00.001-06:00

The holiday season, beginning with Thanksgiving and ending with New Years, is a very busy time for most of us. We are checking our schedules making sure we can see as many family members as possible. The last thing we want, after all, is hurt feelings on our conscience. We are making shopping lists and checking them twice, thrice, and as many times as it takes to get everything crossed off the list. We have family dinners to attend, business and church parties to crash, not to mention all the different things the children in our lives are doing – school parties, holiday plays, etc. We are arranging times to take family pictures, then comes the dreaded selection of which picture goes on the Christmas card. Following this, we are faced with actually sending out the cards and making sure every significant and insignificant person we know gets one. But don’t forget to work on the “apology speech,” just in case Aunt Mildred’s card got “lost in the mail” (wink, wink). It seems during this time of the year we don’t have much time to even think, much less doing something for ourselves to gain peace of mind. Slowing down is NOT an option; we are operating on pure adrenaline. Then the New Year rolls around and it is all over. Our brains and bodies are all of sudden presented with our normal routine without the additional hustle and bustle of the holiday season. Well, it is not hard to understand why some people deal with the “post holiday blues,” which may manifest in many different ways, for instance, depression, anxiety, and/or pure, unmistakable exhaustion.

Twenty-eleven (2011) is right around the corner. The question we are faced with is “How do we successfully cope with the post holiday blues so we can effectively get back in the saddle?” Here are some suggestions to consider:

Get excited about the idea of new beginnings. Although the particular holidays during this time of year were created with specific thoughts in mind, I don’t think we can ignore that the holiday season carries with it the implication that another chapter in our lives is coming to a close and a new one is about to begin. For some, the chapter closing was not the most pleasant, and for others, the chapter closing was the highlight of their lives and they can’t imagine a better one. But, all of us are faced with the new chapter, full of blank pages ready for us to make our mark. The scary part of the new chapter is that we don’t know what challenges lie before us; thus, we are faced with unpredictability and the unexpected. The exciting part of the new chapter is that WE ARE THE AUTHORS! We need to embrace this thought. Although we may be faced challenges and stumbling blocks along the way, we still get to choose how we deal with those obstacles. We are the authors of our story; we decide the direction; we decide how it ends.

Set short-term, but achievable goals. Reflecting on the previous year and deciding how you want the following year to be different is something I would encourage everyone to do. However, most people already do this; but, they forget to set small goals along the way. When they forget this very important step, their goals for the year become something that is too large to conquer. Thus, I encourage people to be thinking about the initial months after the New Year – January, February, and maybe, March – and decide what they would like to achieve during this time. The next step is to “get after it.” Once the goals are met, don’t forget to celebrate. Small successes are definitely worth celebrating.

Plan a retreat for yourself. This is actually something I would recommend doing during the holiday season, but at minimum, doing it after the holiday season has ended. Planned retreats, in my opinion, are crucial for our mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. After experiencing the level of stress that comes with the holiday season, our minds and bodies are typically ready for a break that is long overdue. Remember, a retreat doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. A retreat can be something as simple as a daily walk around the lake or spending time in meditation or prayer on your lunch break or enjoying a cup of Joe as you watch the sunrise before you head off to work. Thus, make your retreats intentional; don’t allow yourself to just fall into it. When we fall into it, retreating more accurately reflects escaping. Thus, as you plan your retreats, work at staying away from drugs, alcohol, media, and even technology in effort to keep a clear mind.

Change up your routine. “Mixing it up” a little bit is something that could help with the transition from 2010 to 2011. Routine is beneficial because it helps provide structure and stability to our lives, but it often becomes boring. If it is at all possible, attempt to change up how you structure you life. Here are some examples:

• Take a new route to work.

• Add new workouts to your exercise routine

• Start a new hobby or participate in a new activity (e.g., softball league)

Preserve memories. I think preserving memories is a very important part of the transition. I encourage people to actually get old fashion on this one. Technically, downloading pictures to Facebook or Flickr is a way to preserve memories. However, this is the lazy way. I would encourage you to put a little elbow grease in your preservation methods. Scrapbooking is probably the most obvious way of doing this, but there are many other ways; thus, be creative. The reason I am an advocate for preserving memories is because despite how difficult of a year you had, you will typically focus on the memories that generate a good feeling within you. As you start out a new year, the last thing you need is a bad taste in your mouth from the previous year. Preserving the feel-good memories of the previous year will help you get started on the right foot for the new year.

I encourage each and every one of you to not get bogged down in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season to where you forget the meaning of the holiday season. However, if, come January, you find yourself coming down from the holiday high, don’t hesitate to try some of these suggestions to help with your transition. Also, keep in mind that there is no shame in seeking professional help if just can’t seem to kick the post holiday blues.

Don't forget to pick up a copy of the December 2010 issue of MetroFamily Magazine to read more on overcoming the Post-Holiday Blues.

Tips for Speaking Your Spouses Love Language

2010-11-09T22:45:00.001-06:00

Have you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? This is an excellent read. The premise is quite simple: Men and women often attempt to show their spouses love in ways that they, themselves, would like to receive it. However, we need to work at showing our spouses love in ways they desire. I would encourage you and your spouse to check out this book. Read it together and process the different love languages.

As you and your spouse work through this book, I have 3 "Don'ts" to consider. First, (1) Don't Mind-read. In other words, don't assume you know what your spouse likes. Only your spouse can tell you this for certain, so don't be afraid to ask. Secondly, (2) Don't Assume Mind-reading. Remember that your spouse is not psychic. Your wants and desires are actually relationship components that you should discuss with your spouse and not expect them to "just know." And last, (3) Don't Downplay. Sometimes what your spouse's love language looks like might not make sense to you, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. As long as it isn't a compromise of your integrity or values, you need to show your spouse love in ways they desire....in ways that makes sense to them. You don't have to fully understand. All you have to know is that it is important to this person whom you love deeply.

As always, your thoughts are always welcomed.

(Note: This entry was inspired by a post on Missional Outreach Network by James Nored)

Teens + Dating = Highly ANXIOUS Parents

2010-10-26T14:36:00.001-05:00

To the NEW parents out there: What does it do for you to think that your babies will be dating in the near future? Can you recall some of the things you did while you were dating?

To SEASONED parents: What was it like for you when your kids started dating? How did you handle your anxiety?

Dating is a milestone that most teens look forward to; however, second to driving, it is probably the most dreaded for parents. Why is that? Well, because we've been there. We know about the curiosity that lingers in a teenage mind. We know about the here-and-now mindset that teens live in and that the word "consequences" often doesn't seem to even be in their vocabulary. This causes us much anxiety. So, what do we do? Here are some helpful tips for discussing dating with your teen.

Beware of your own anxiety. Often parents allow their anxiety to drive their behaviors. Parents should work hard at staying calm and connected when discussing dating or situations related to dating with their teens. Anxiety only communicates to them that you can't handle it.
Be excited for them. This is an important milestone in your teen's life; thus, you need to be as supportive as possible.
Set the rules for dating. Let them know what you expect (e.g., curfew, etc.) of them. After all, dating is a privilege and they need to be responsible with that privilege.
Focus on the "Do's" instead of the "Don'ts." Let me start by saying, that I think it is okay to state what is inappropriate because of the negative consequences involved. But, more importantly, parents should work hard at helping their teens think about what they should be doing in undertaking this privilege known as dating. Teens should be focused on RIGHTEOUSNESS (i.e., doing what is right) instead of focusing on the line they aren't suppose to cross. If they are focused on the line, then they will typically see how close they can get without crossing it. However, if they are pursuing righteousness, then there is really no need to look back at where you are NOT supposed to be. Thus, help them determine what is "right" in a dating relationship.

I have had the privilege via church camp of working with young men who are in the beginning stages of their interest in girls and dating. I would like to close by sharing with you my approach in helping them think critically about this idea of pursuing righteousness (note: this can also be used with young ladies as well).

I start off by asking them to picture their ideal wife. I ask them to tell me about her. What does she look like? What is her character like? What are her interests? Is she a Christian? Don't let their answers scare you. Spend a little time here and have a laugh or two. Then, I say, chances are, that person is existing and living her life somewhere in this world. She might even be your age; thus, she is still a teenager and probably living with her parents. What kind of parents do you hope she has? How do you hope she is being treated at home? Remember, this is your future wife we are talking about here. Next, I tell them that before you meet her, chances are she will date a few guys and maybe even fall in love a couple of times before she meets you. Therefore, as she begins dating, what kind of guys would you like her to stay away from? What kind of guys would you like her to be dating until she meets you? Then, I ask, this very important question: Will you grant the future husbands of the girls you date the same curtosy and respect?

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts. Good luck on your parenting journey.

Dangers in Second Guessing Your Children

2010-10-03T18:09:00.001-05:00

As parents, we want to raise our children to be self-sufficient, decisive, confident adults. There are many aspects of parenting that contributes to the outcome; the componant I'd like to discuss is How we talk to our children. You might be thinking, "Duh, we know that screaming and yelling and belittling our chldren is emotionally damaging." This is true, however, I'm talking about something more subtle; something more accepted; something very easy to fall victim to.

Have you ever given your child a decision and when they make it, you ask, "Are you sure?" Or have they ever said they want something and you say to them, "Ah, you don't want that." These are common phrases used among parents across the world. How could they be harmful? Afterall, we are their parents; we know what is best for them.

As parents we need to be extra careful about doing or saying things that influences our children to second guess themselves, even if we think we know better. Obviously we need to protect our children from life's dangers, but as long as our kids aren't in danger, we need to allow them to make decisions and let them see those decisions through. If it doesn't work out for them, then lesson learned. If it does, then it is a victory. Either way,THEY GET TO OWN IT! This is on way confidence is built, especially as they experience more and more successes.

What are your thoughts on this matter?

The Sex Talk

2010-09-15T21:12:00.000-05:00

I hear lots of stories about how parents chose to have the "sex talk" with their children. A professor of mine said he was just sitting on his bed one evening when the door opened, a book flew in, the door shut. He said his parents didn't discuss the subject at all, but he read the book cover-to-cover. Those of us with children know that the day is nearing when we'll need to have the sex talk with our kids (some sooner than others). However, there are a couple of questions we struggle with, for example: (1) When do we do it? and (2) How do we do it? I hope to help you out with these questions.

When we discuss sex with our children, we to focus on the positive aspects of sex as well as the emotional componants. David Schnarch, a sex therapy expert, says that our sexual prime actually occurs later in life because of the emotional growth involved. Also, in the church, we tend to tell our teens to wait to have sex until they are married. In other words, premarital sex is wrong.....you're NOT supposed to do it! This is true, however, it should not be our focus. We need to be communicating to our children that sex is something beautiful and awesome and a GIFT FROM GOD! But it is to be experienced in the context of marriage. And sex gets better as the marriage develops. A lot of times, teens feel like if they don't have sex while young, they'll miss out on the best sex of their lives. This is absolutely NOT true.

Control your anxiety when discussing sex with your children. I have two thoughts about why children feel "weird" when parents discuss sex. (1) Someone else beat you to the punch; probably one of their friends (which means they were probably misinformed). Our children really need to learn about sex first from their parents for a couple reasons. One, so they get the right information. And, secondly, so they it doesn't become a taboo topic. Consider having the "sex talk" in stages, so it won't be so uncomfortable for your children. (2) Your own anxiety got in the way. You children are radars for your anxiety. If you feel "wierd" or uncomfortable, your children will pick up on this; thus, you send them the wrong message when it comes to something so beautiful. Although we should maintain certain boundaries when discussiong sex, it should never be a taboo topic. If you show discomfort with the issue of sex, your children will quickly learn that you can't handle this very intriguing topic; therefore, they will seek to have their curiousity fulfilled elsewhere. It is imperative that you provide them a safe enviroment to discuss their questions and concerns regarding sex; this requires you to keep your anxiety at bay.

Take it in stride. As far as "how soon" do we discuss sex with our children, I recommend to take it in stages. Tell your children little by little. Let your children guide you. Entertain their questions. Ask them questions in return. Don't ignore signs that they are getting interested (e.g., making their dolls kiss). There are some great books out there that can help you. You'll just have to research them and make an executive decision on how appropriate they are for the age of your children. For example, check out "Where Did I Come From?" The Facts of Life Without Any Nonsense and With Illustrations. Keep in mind, you want to teach your kids about sex before their friends do....so, don't wait to long. I will close this entry with a joke:

A young child came to his father and said, "Daddy, what is sex?" Dad's eyes grew to size of baseballs. He was totally unprepared for this question. But regardless of his surprize, he sat his son down and answered his son's question in as much detail as possible. When he had finished, he noticed that now his son's eyes had grown to size of baseballs. The look on his son's face made him wonder what spurred his son to ask this question in the first place. Thus, the dad said, "How come you wanted to know?" at which the son replied, "Because Mom told me dinner would be done in a few secs."

Good luck!

Balancing Work & Family

2010-09-07T22:34:00.000-05:00

This discussion was influenced by an article that my friend, James Nored, brought to my attention entitled Balancing Work & Family for a Successful Life.

Balancing work and family has always been important for healthy living. This was important even back in the day when most households were living on one income, but it is even more important now that more and more women are entering the workforce. With both spouses working, "taking care of things at home" may often take the backburner on the priority list; and what attention is devoted to the home and family, often falls on the wife.

If we are going to be a "two-income family," we need to work extra hard at reminding ourselves that our family is our FIRST ministry. Here are some tips that may prove beneficial for these families:

Equally share in household responsibilities. Husbands need to pick up the slack and help their wives with different chores around the house as well as with parenting responsibilities. Wives should let go of ownership of the household responsibilities and allow their husbands to help.
Communicating with assertiveness and active listening. You and your spouse should work at being assertive with your feelings and requests for each other. However, also work at active listening (e.g., head nods, reflective listening "What I am hearing you say is..."; etc.) when your spouse is talking.
Schedule your quality time. Planning becomes more and more important. Quality time with your spouse and children needs to be planned out. Spontaneity may occur from time to time, but should not be expected. Don't fret, that is actually a good thing. Remember, an intentional marriage is more meaningful than a spontaneous one.
Take time for yourself. This is pretty much self-explanatory. If you are exhausted, you can't be the husband/wife, father/mother, or friend that others deserve.

I am all for both spouses working (if that is their desire); my wife and I, too, are both in the workforce. However, we need to work hard to not sacrifice our families for our careers. In Toby Keith's (an odd source, I know, but it fits) song "The List," he states "I won't break my back for a million bucks I can't take to my grave. So, why put off for tomorrow, what could get done today?". Let's remember that spending enternity in heaven with our families is a far greater prize than a paycheck. Thus, husbands and wives in the workforce need to work together to make the necessary changes to make sure their relationships and families don't suffer by their career decisions.

God bless you all.

Blue Like Play Dough {Book Review}

2010-08-18T21:48:00.000-05:00

Guest Writer: Amanda Nichols, Ph.D.

Tricia Goyer’s Blue Like Play Dough is a book about being a mother and letting God shape you into what He has in mind. Playing off Donald Miller’s book, Blue Like Jazz, Goyer writes,

“…when I had kids, I felt like I was the one being squished and pressed…I felt pulled when I tried to balance raising kids, taking care of our house, serving in church, and following my dreams. There were even days when I felt as if I was literally being pounded – by life, by my hang-ups, by my own insecurities and doubts that I was “good enough” as a mom…Rather [the blue lump] was something God held in His [hands]. I was that lump. As I watched God pull and tug, I saw that He was following a pattern. He had something in mind. God, the artist, was shaping me, forming me to represent an image of His Son.…Miller had blue jazz. I had blue play dough. I tried not to be disappointed.” (1-2)

Her description reminded me of one of my favorite scriptures:

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)

This is one of those books that I read at the perfect time in my life. I felt like God was reminding me of some very important things. That being said, I think every mother should read this book. It is an easy read and although the chapters are short, the reader will walk away feeling encouraged. Each chapter is riddled with personal stories from the author’s life as well as moral and personal applications. For a busy mom, I like this style: to the point but thought-provoking. Goyer has a witty style that keeps you turning the pages.

Goyer has some wise words about keeping God in your life, parenting, being a wife, and following your dreams. Since I had my first child over two years ago, I have been struggling with my relationship with God. After having my second son last year, there were days I felt like God and I barely knew each other. The hardest time in my life was when I was in graduate school – the unbelievable amount of stress pushed me into the arms of God. That era of my life was also probably one of the times I felt closest to God. I could spend hours studying his Word and talking to Him. I needed that to survive. But having kids changed the way I survived. If you have children, you know how difficult it is to have time alone. When at home, when I wasn’t changing a diaper or rocking my babies, I was sleeping; I was so tired! So without moments of solitude, how could I spend time with God? Goyer’s words released me from the rules I had made in my relationship with God:

“In the middle of my busy life, I can refocus my thoughts and my mind and my heart on Him. I can be fixed on God, even when my feet are hustling. I can look for Him, listen for Him, even if the looking and listening happen in the short drive I take to pick my daughter up…Or in the prayers I offer up as I shave my legs in the shower…The mess isn’t going to get cleaned up today, but that doesn’t mean I need to hold God at bay. He loves joining me, even if I’m placing Him into my chaos. In fact, if God had His way, I’m sure He’d write Himself into all part of my life, using permanent marker, reminding me of where He wants to be – everywhere…Insert God here.” (8-9)

What? I don’t have to clean myself (and my life) up first BEFORE I take some time with God? All my life, I had been taught that God just wants us, it doesn’t matter what kind of shape we are in at the moment. I had told people that little nugget of truth. But when it came down to it, I thought that I needed to get everything in order and devote a large block of time to God in order for Him to hear my prayers. It is okay for me to pray to God while I’m changing a diaper. Thanks be to God!

I was reminded while reading this book that I have a great husband. I have two awesome children. In Goyer’s words, “I don’t get life right 100 percent of the time…but I know I’m loved – even cherished.” (33) I am reminded of what is important. I also appreciated the simple truths in the book without judgment. There are some books about parenting or being a “good wife” I have read that leaves me feeling beat up. Even though Goyer has made some different decisions than I have (she’s a stay-at-home (mostly), home-schooling mother), I never felt like I was being judged for working outside the home. I was able to glean some important information too from her experiences of homeschooling her children. I applaud Goyer for discussing how she learned to take time for herself to follow her dreams of being an author. I also was impressed with her honesty and ability to openly share how God has worked in her life through bad decisions and tough times she has lived through.

“Even though I left that lifestyle behind when I got married, moved to a different town, and started attending church, I still carried around the memories. They were like crumbs in my play dough. A few stuck to the surface but many more were mixed in and hard to see. Yet even though those crumbs were my secret, they were there. I still felt like that scared, embarrassed teen girl and could not imagine revealing my biggest secret to anyone.” (54)

Goyer talks about grace and how God rescues us – from life, from poor decisions, and even ourselves.

“Yes, my play dough may still get crumbs, but it’s not my job to hide them or even to pick them out. God is faithful in doing that. It’s my job to be truthful about the dirt that still lingers and to hand myself over, plopping my blue, pliable self into His hands.” (60)

One of the scariest ideas about being a parent is the thought of your children hurting. Whether it’s because of others’ decisions, or your children’s own decisions, it is scary nonetheless. I was challenged in thinking about how I will react when my children make poor decisions. I was even more challenged in remembering that I have to hand them over to God as well. God has to work in their lives, too.

Finally, after reading this book, I am still working on remembering that I can approach God anytime. And that I need to approach Him daily – even if it’s only for small amounts of time. I remember back in graduate school at a scientific meeting, I attended a lecture about being a chemist and a mother. I was really looking forward to hearing some good advice since Josh and I were planning on starting a family soon. I was very disappointed. The speaker shared her solution that worked for her family: a live-in nanny while both her and her husband worked 60+ hours a week (each!). Those were my choices? Stay-at-home or work crazy long hours and have a live-in nanny? Thankfully, God has shown us a different way. My husband and I have figured out what works for our family. We’ve been blessed with flexible working hours, great flexible childcare arrangements, and grandparents (and friends) that live nearby that help out a lot!

“I still often ask Him to rescue me from the pressures that come with being a mom. For the most part, He doesn’t. Instead, if I’m willing, He uses them to change me on the inside. In His hands I’m being transformed, one squeeze at a time.” (2)

If you are a mother looking for a book that offers encouragement and a unique perspective of motherhood, then Blue Like Play Dough is definitely the book for you.

The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting

2010-08-11T22:05:00.000-05:00

This past Saturday (Aug.7th), I was welcomed by the Wilshire Church of Christ in Oklahoma City to present an all-day parenting seminar. Thirty-five parents from the community and surrounding area attended. Post-seminar evaluations showed that participants were encouraged and enjoyed their overall experience. All the participants reported they would recommend this seminar to others.

Allow me the opportunity to explain in a little more detail this program, which I have entitled The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting.

“When you choose to become a parent, you are choosing to live a life of vulnerability.”

– Unknown Source

Parenting is one of the hardest things we’ll ever do. We are constantly in a state of vulnerability. Remember the first time you left your child with a babysitter? The first time they rode their bike without training wheels? Do you remember how vulnerable you felt? We don’t like feeling vulnerable, but it is required for effective parenting. After all, God made himself vulnerable to us by sending his Son to die for our sins (see John 3:16). To make ourselves vulnerable means to put ourselves at risk. When we apologize to our children, we run the risk of not being forgiven. When we expect good things from our children, we run the risk of being disappointed. The R.I.S.K.S. program offers parents more awareness, understanding, and skill building when it comes to this vulnerable endeavor known as parenting. Parenting is about taking R.I.S.K.S.

The R: Parenting is about the Relationship. Strong relationships are vital to parenting. “How do I get my children to behave?” should not be the first question we ask. “How do I build a close relationship with my child?” is a better place to start. If the parent-child relationship is strained, parenting becomes a more difficult, if not impossible, task.

The I: Parenting is about Integrity. Strong parenting demands a heightened sense of one’s own integrity. Parents often find themselves violating their integrity in effort to achieve compliance or obedience from their children. God has placed within us the feeling of “guilt” to help us know when we have compromised our integrity. Screaming, yelling, disconnecting, empty threats are just a few behaviors that typically generate feelings of guilt within the parent. These behaviors may or may not result in obedience, but, nonetheless, always do harm to the parent-child relationship.

The S: Parenting is about Structure. Structure makes up the environment in which one’s child has to grow up. There are four structural components that are essential in creating an environment that increases your child’s chances for success: (1) Hierarchy, (2) Boundaries, (3) Discipline, and (4) Instruction. The challenge is being able to implement these components in a way that strengthens the parent-child relationship instead of weakening it.

The K: Parenting is about Keeping the Faith. “Letting go and letting God,” also involves, “letting go and letting grow.” One of the hardest aspects of parenting is the knowledge that we are raising our children to not need us anymore. Thus, we are slowly working our children toward self-sufficiency and independence, which starts from the moment they are born.

The Other S: Parenting is about Self-Nurture. Our children need us at our best! We owe it to them to take care of ourselves first. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, uses the metaphor of putting on your own oxygen mask first before you assist anyone else, as flight attendants tell us before every flight. If you can’t breathe, you can’t help anyone! Jesus was excellent at taking care of himself (see Matthew 14:13, 23, 26:36-39 and Mark 1:35-38). Thus, taking care of self first is actually a very selfless act.

This information provides you a brief glimpse of what The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting program is all about. If you have any questions about this program or if you are interested in bringing R.I.S.K.S. to your church or community, please call (405-234-7209) or email me (joshua.nichols@alumni.oc.edu). I would be more than willing to further discuss this program with you. R.I.S.K.S brochures are available. Simply email me your address and I will get one sent to you right away. You can also contact the Wilshire Church of Christ (www.wilshirechurch.org) in Oklahoma City at 405-843-912 and speak with Jeremie Beller, (jeremie@wilshirechurch.org, their Congregational Minister, to hear about their experience with hosting R.I.S.K.S.

I hope that all of you who are parents are working hard at taking R.I.S.K.S. with your children so that they will be better equipped to face this difficult world when they are grown. God bless you in this journey.

Tips For Parents To Avoid Power Struggles

2010-06-19T22:58:00.000-05:00

So when did having a strong will become such a bad things? The term "strong-willed child" has taken on a negative connotation. But isn't a strong will exactly what we hope our children will have? Afterall, it is our strong will that helps us perservere. It is our strong will that helps us pull ourselves up by our bootstraps after taking a bad fall. It is our strong will that often keeps us on a path of righteousness.

So what is it about having a "strong-willed child" that makes parenting so difficult? Most of the time it is because we want them to bend to our will. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, alludes that strong-willed children often have strong-willed parents because the frustrating componant stems from the battle of wills. We, as parents, don't want to lose the battle. But here's a very important question - Why should our children settle for losing?

This is a difficult issue to tackle, so I hope to just give you some tips to get your started in resolving this dilemma. However, if you feel you have tried everything and nothing works, then, I urge you to seek help from an expert to get a professional and objective opinion.

The answer to this dilemma is definately easier said than done. But allow me to say it anyway, "DON'T BATTLE WITH YOUR CHILDREN!" In other words, structure you interaction to avoid power struggles. Children are experts at playing the power struggle game. If they succeed in getting you to engage in a power struggle, then you have already lost. Children don't have much control over anything, but they desire it as much as adults do. Therefore, as parents, we need to make sure that we give them a little control. Here are some tips to avoid power struggles:

Give choices. For example: Do you want to wear your red coat or blue coat? If you don't choose, then I'll assume you want your blue coat. (Notice that you don't give a choice of whether or not to wear a coat. Not wearing a coat is not an option. You decide the options, but they make the choice.)

Embrace "No." Many parents hate it when their children tell them "no." We don't want to break them of this. Is this not a skill you want them to have when they are teenagers faced with difficult decisions? Therefore, work at redirecting them if they are saying "no" out of disobedience. You may discipline, but discipline the disobedience, not the fact they said "no." Don't say, for example, "You don't tell Mommy 'no'. Go sit in timeout."

Stay Calm; Stay Connected. When you recognize the potential for a power struggle, make a decision that you will not engage in warlike behavior with your child, but stay calm and connected instead. Whatever behavior your choose, make sure it reflects that of a grown-up. In other words, make sure you are behaving more maturely than your child.

Opt for a Win-Win Scenerio. As the adult, try to figure out how both you and your child can come out a winner. Allow your child to negotiate, which is very empowering for your child. There is no harm in that, afterall, you have the final decision. Avoid the "My way or the hi-way" approach. Be flexible.

I hope these tips will be helpful for you. Please let me know of any suggestions you may have that have proven successful for you and your family. As usual, any other comments or thoughts are welcomed.

The Intentional Marriage

2010-05-27T22:25:00.000-05:00

I recently heard the following story:

A young couple, recently married, decided to spend some quality time together by going for a stroll one fall evening in their neighborhood. The young husband threw on some gray jogging pants and a long-sleeved shirt. He happened to finish dressing in his walking attire a little before his bride. He said, "Hey Babe. I'm all ready to go, so I think I'll go outside and stretch. I'll meet you out there." As he stepped outside, he noticed it was a bit chilly. It wasn't overly cold, but the wind added just enough of a sting to make one wish they had on a jacket. So he rushed back in to get his jacket; 30 seconds and he was back outside stretching. Meanwhile, his lovely new wife finished putting on her walking clothes and joined him outside and they began their stroll. After a good 10 minutes into their walk, the young husband noticed his wife was rubbing her arms somewhat fierce - she was cold. He didn't notice when she came out that she did not have on her jacket. So, calmly and very gentleman-like, the young husband unzipped his jacket, took it off, threw it around his bride and said, "You must be freezing. Please wear mine. Don't worry, I'll be fine." She smiled in appreciation and love and they continued with their walk.

Thirty-five years and three grown kids later, the couple found themselves going out for an evening stroll yet again. The husband, once again, made it outside before his bride. Coincidentally, the weather that evening was quite similar to the walk they took 35 years ago. It was a fall evening and the wind blew just hard enough to inflict a stinging sensation on the skin. But, yet again, this didn't stop the couple from going on their walk. Because of the stinging wind, the husband made sure he had on a jacket to protect his bare arms. Soon enough, his wife came out of the house in a rush ready to get on with the walk. As she made it to her husband, he noticed she did not have on a jacket. He gently grabbed her hand. She turned toward him confused by the hold up. He tenderly placed both hands on her shoulders as if he were about to rub her cold bare arms. Then he spoke these words, "WOMAN! ARE YOU CRAZY?"

What happens in a marriage that we just quit trying as hard? One of the most common goals set by couples in marriage counseling from my experience is "To grow closer to one another." Romance and intimacy, two very important aspects of a healthy marriage, seems to have faded over time for many of these couples.

In marriage, there is a strong temptation to get lazy, especially for highly committed couples. Afterall, we said our "I do's," the rings are in place, and we know we are in it for the long haul. What more does the relationship need? This is a very dangerous mentality. It reminds me of the story we've all heard of the wife complaining to her husband that "he never tells me he loves me." And his response is......."I told you I loved you when we got married. If it ever changes, I'll let you know." Yes, a funny story to tell, but that mentality kills marriages.

We need to make our marriages intentional. "What does that mean?" you might ask. Well, simply stated, it means that every morning when you wake up, you intend to behave in such a way that will nourish and strengthen your relationship with your spouse. This can sometimes be fun

as you plan enjoyable activities or attempt to be spontaneous. This can also be difficult as you make sure you are discussing problematic issues (e.g., hurt feelings, finances, etc.). Regardless of whether or not being intentional means fun or difficulty for your marriage, it nearly always means WORK. You've heard the quote, "Marriage is work." Well, this is the work portion.

I'm interested in your thoughts regarding what an "Intentional Marriage" means to you. Also, men, please take a look at this article that was published in MetroFamily Magazine out of OKC (I was interviewed in it). It has some great tips for making your marriage intentional. Women, this magazine will have an article published just for you come June 2010. I will post it when it comes out in a few days. Again....your thoughts are appreciated.

Depression: Supporting Your Loved One

2010-05-13T23:25:00.000-05:00

Depression has haunted mankind since the beginning of time. When I think of depression, the image that comes to mind is that of the Smoke Monster from ABC's hit series Lost (you know I had to work in Lost into this conversation....this is the final season). For those of you who aren't fans, I'll describe it this way. Depression acts like a black cloud seeking it's next victim. No matter how much of us it devours, it is never quite satisfied. It is a subtle evil, constantly in pursuit of its next victim; and if we are not careful it will eat us alive.

Many people struggle with the questions, "What am I suppose to do when someone I care about is dealing with depression? How can I help?" Here are a few suggestions you should take into consideration as you help your friend or loved one through the dark times:

Do a self-assessment. Ask yourself if you are strong enough to help bear this burden (Gal. 6:2). If you are dealing with a lot in your own life and/or with your family, then you might not be the one that this person needs. If not, then you best move is to connect them with a person or persons that can be the burden-bearer. If you decide you can be this person, move on to suggestion #2.
Get into their world. Jesus was awesome at this. We read in John 11:35 that "Jesus wept." When he did this, he provided Mary and Martha exactly what they needed from him as they were grieving the loss of their brother. So, when you get into someone's world, you have to....
Put aside your own anxiety and fears. Your feelings of helplessness will tempt you to want to solve the problem. This makes their depression about you and you communicate to them you can't handle it. But if you listen to their story and you hurt with them, you'll find that there is lots of therapy in that kind of behavior. You'll also find that most people have good reason to feel depressed, just as Job did in Job 2. Job even resorted to self-injury as he sat in the ash scraping off his sores. When we read the story of Job, most of us understand his depression. This is easy for us because we are not emotionally connected to Job. It is a lot harder to do when we are emotionally connected to someone and we see them hurting.
Determine your role. What role does this person need you to play as part of their support system?
Set boundaries. Don't fall into the trap where you find yourself bearing the entire load (see Gal. 6:5). Not only will you do them a disservice by rescuing them, you will also be doing yourself (and possibly your family) a disservice as you run the risk of falling beneath the weight of this extra load that you have taken on single-handedly.
Be prepared to suggest professional help. Many people keep important phone numbers handy in case of an emergency. We all know people who have the phone numbers to the local police, firestation, ambulance service, etc. I think we should also have numbers to one or two mental health professionals. But if you realize that your friend or loved one's depression is not getting better after a few weeks, it might be time to make a referral. Note: Call 911 or get your loved one to the ER if you feel they are suicidal or homicidal.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful as you offer support for your friends and loved ones that have the Smoke Monster in their lives. As always, your thoughts and questions are always appreciated.

Life's A Race. How Will You Finish?

2010-04-27T23:35:00.000-05:00

The Beginning. It all began back in October 2009. I had the priviledge of running a relay marathon with some family and friends in Kansas City. My portion was about 6 miles. It was a great experience. My cousin, Annie, who was on my relay team, ran the 7 mile leg. We all had a great time. But, I got to thinking, 6 miles is only a half mile shy of halfway of the half marathon. A lot of "halfs" I know. I was visiting with Annie about this....then I started to push her to run a half marathon with me. I thought I was unsuccessful in convincing her of this, but a couple of weeks later, she emailed me saying she wanted to do it. Even though I originally approached her, I was actually reluctant to agree, because I knew that I would have to train harder than I had ever trained before. However, Annie and I agreed we'd register to run the Half Marathon in the 2010 Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon.

The Training. Annie lives two and a half hours away from me, so we had to train seperately. Fortunately, I had another "runner" friend, Pam, who agreed to help me train. We agreed we train on our own throughout the week, but would plan to do several long runs along the way. And that is what we did. I was in the gym at least 4 days a week running on a treadmill. I also decided that running 13.1 miles would be much easier if I were a few pounds lighter, so I joined Weight Watchers to add some structure to my diet. Pam and I ran our first "long" run, which was only 6 miles. Then 6 soon turned into 10. I never in my life thought I would be able to run that far. I was so proud of myself, but I hurt so badly. Usually the pain sets in the next day, but around mile 8, I could feel the pain from my calves clear up to my shoulders. Afterwards, I sat down and decided to eat a granola bar to refuel......but it even hurt to chew! That's right, MY JAW WAS EVEN SORE!

The Injury. My training was going very well, when my biggest fear happened - I injured my foot. I felt this excrutiating pain on the outer side of my left foot. I was so worried because the race was only two and a half months away and I still had lots of training to go (this happened before my 10 mile run). I was so worried and disappointed because I knew I had to lay off it for it to get better, but that is what I did. I resorted to the stationary bike for two weeks while I let my foot heal. Gradually, I started back training on the treadmill and the foot seemed healthy. I even ran my 10 mile run shortly after with no problem. But one day about 6 weeks away from the race, I felt that same pain again. I was so discouraged as I thought that I was not going to be able to run in marathon with Annie. So I decided to lay off the training until the day of the race and hope I could make it all the way.

The Race. Race day finally came around (it was actually 2 days ago) I was optimistic I could finish the race if only my foot didn't start hurting. Afterall, I was 20 lbs lighter and I had trained very hard. My cousin, Annie, and I stood in the crowd of runners for what seemed like an eternity, but then, sure enough, our race had begun. Of all the miles we had run in our training, it all came down to the 13.1 we were about to run.....and our goal was simply to FINISH THE RACE. We started out strong and excited. I was enjoying myself so much that I didn't even notice the first mile marker. But one mile soon turned into two, then three, and before we knew it we were at 6. Then I felt it. The pain in my foot was gradually increasing. "Oh no" I thought, "How am I gonna do 7 miles on a hurt foot?" But I decided to keep going. We made it to mile 8 and I was really feeling the pain in my foot at this point. But this was also the point that my running buddy, Annie, started having knee trouble. WE WERE FALLING APART! We stuck it out to mile 10 and then decided that it was in our best interest to walk a little.....but, we were still in the race. About a mile later we picked back up, but making sure we took it easy. I remember thinking, "I can't believe I've come this far on hurt foot. We're gonna do it. We're actually gonna finish this thing." Soon enough, the finish line came in sight. When we saw it, we kicked it gear running faster than we had the entire race. Annie later said that at that point, the pain in her knee left her. The same is true for my foot. Before we knew it were were crossing the finish line. I looked online at our times and Annie and I finished at the exact same time. WE STARTED TOGETHER AND WE FINISHED TOGETHER!

The Lesson. We are all running our own race. We are not competing against each other, but instead we are competing against ourselves. One thing I learned throughout the training is that I am my own worst enemy. I struggled with eating healthy; I struggled with making it to gym every day. My struggles had to do with my desire to please my flesh. I wanted to eat burgers, fries, meat and potatoes instead of having portion control and eating more veggies and drinking more water. I wanted to sleep, watch TV, or just be lazy instead of getting my butt in the gym. And ever so often I gave into those temptations, but I never gave up. Not even when I started to have complications with my foot. Another thing I learned is this saying, "Why not me?" I discovered that I was caught up in thinking about all the things I thought I couldn't do...."someone like me could never do (fill in blank)." Throughout this process, I realized "Why not me?" What makes others more special than me? The conclusion I came to is "nothing." I was and still am afforded the same opportunities as everyone else in this world. The only thing holding me back.....was ME! Next, I learned the importance of having a running buddy in this race we call Life. Pam was my Paul/Accountability and Annie was my Barnabas/Encouragement. Scheduling runs with Pam kept me motivated to keep training. I didn't want to meet up for our runs and not be able to keep up. Running with Annie was super encouraging. We supported each other. With our injuries, we both probably would have folded if it wasn't for the encouragement we offered each other. We need accountability and encouragement as we compete in our life-race. We weren't meant to do it alone. Lastly, I learned that we must have a goal in mind (i.e., the finish line). When we can see the finish line, it is amazing what we are capable of doing. And the feeling of crossing that line is something I cannot even begin to explain.

I hope that you took something away from my experience in running the half marathon. We all have room to improve, but we must get excited about improving. In other words, our motivation for improvement needs to come from self-love and positive thinking as opposed to self-hatred and negative thinking. Good luck to you all as you run your life-race.

Insecurity: A Destroyer of Relationships

2010-04-19T23:26:00.000-05:00

We all know people that we would classify as selfish or self-serving. But what is it about their behavior that makes us put these labels on them? How come we are moved to comment on their selfishness? It is because in some way, shape, or form, we have been hurt or offended by their self-serving behavior.

BUT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT SELFISHNESS OR INSECURITY?

We typically use the label "selfish" to describe someone who appears to have more concern for his/herself over the well-being of others. This term might be appropriate at times. However, I think the majority of times we are instead dealing with someone bearing heightened levels of insecurity.

We are all insecure to some degree. But a mature person is aware of their insecurities and, therefore, works hard to understand them so that their insecurities don't skew their reality and thereby dictate their behavior. That's what "insecurity" does.....it creates an alternate and often flawed logic. We all, at times, fall victim to this distorted logic. However, the mature and "secure" (or should I say, "the less insecure") eventually recognize the error and, thus, get back on the safe trail of rational logic. On the other hand, we find the extremely insecure camped out in this wilderness of flawed logic.

People with heightened levels of insecurity often play the victim and have trouble thinking outside themselves, which is why we often label them as "selfish." Many are paranoid and have the tendency to take everything personal.

No one likes the feeling of insecurity.....not even the extremely insecure like feeling insecure.

When this happens, the extremely insecure work very hard to acheive stability and security. However, they do so using flawed logic. Remember, they have been living in a wilderness of irrational thought. So, they often want to borrow the security of others to help them feel more stable. David Schnarch calls this "borrowed functioning." Do you ever feel drained after being around someone who is extremely insecure? Well, that is what they do. You feel drained because they need to use your functioning to feel good about themselves. But, their efforts to become stable by borrowing the functioning of others often include behaviors the ends up hurting others. What is frustrating is that they don't even realize they are hurting others; but how can they when they are heavily focused on acheiving self-stability or security. Remember, they have a very hard time thinking outside themselves. Therefore, in our frustration, we label them "selfish" and try to move on.

Children have the same problem. They operate with flawed logic. My 2 yr old believes that acquiring a certain toy "right now" will bring him all the happiness and stability he'll ever need. And if he doesn't get it "now" he will have missed his ONLY opportunity for such a life. He doesn't understand in the moment that if he let's someone else play with the toy, it will still be there for him to play with and enjoy later on. Part of our job as parents is to help our children develop rational thought. We can also do the same for our friends and family who have been caught up in a web of irrational thought.

Here are some suggestions for you next time you encounter some you would classify as "insecure" or "selfish":

Recognize that you have outgrown them. If you take the approach that you are more mature than they are, you are less likely to let their immature behaviors get to you.
Determine what game they are playing. In other words, think about how the insecure one attempts to manipulate. Ask yourself, "How does s/he borrow my functioning?
Decide you will no longer play that game, but, you will play your own game instead. As with children, decide what you will and will not stand for. We are talking about "boundaries" here. If a boundary you established has been violated, make sure you address it, but in a calm, mature way. Remember that emotional reactivity means you are still playing their game of immaturity.
Always work hard at staying more mature. Think of it as a contest: Who can behave the most maturely? Make sure you win.

We all encounter the extremely insecure. I hope these suggestions will be helpful during your next encounter. As always, your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

What If Every Day Was Your First Day?

2010-04-04T23:11:00.003-05:00

Have you ever seen the movie 50 First Dates? If not, allow me to give you a brief synopsis. It is about a guy (played by Adam Sandler) who falls in love with a girl (played by Drew Barrymore). This young woman has a unique disorder that she developed after a horrific car crash. Every night when she goes to sleep she forgets everything that happened that day and her memory is reset back to the day before the crash. Spoiler Alert: At the end of the movie, we see that she married the guy and had child. It is implied that she wakes up every morning and watches a video that catches her up with important events that have happened over time and then....everyday.....she meets her husband and daughter for the first time.

As this movie ended, I got to thinking, what if this sort of thing happened to me? How would this impact my life? How would my relationships change?

What if every day was your first day? What if you met your spouse or child for the first time every day? How would this change your daily interaction?

If this sort of thing could really happen it would no doubt be a real downer in a lot of ways. But there is something we can take away from the concept. For instance, as I contemplate the mother-daughter relationship in this movie, there is no doubt in my mind that the woman's child felt loved every day of her life by her mother. Keep in mind, although the mother is meeting the child for the first time every day, the child still remembers. And she will remember that every day of her life her mother was excited to see her and probably made that day very special.

I know it is impossible for any of us to be in this mindset all of the time. But, I think we, as parents, should work harder to be in this mindset more often. Sometimes parenting becomes such a job or chore that we forget we are supposed to be building relationships with these little people. As a counselor, I see this happen far too often.

At what point in our parent-child relationship do we stop delighting in seeing our children?

My encouragement to you is to make a conscious decision that you will work harder to enjoy being in the presence of those who are important to you. Look into your spouse's eyes and try to remember what you found so special about that person. Overlook the chores that need to be done around the house and get down on your [dirty] floor and play with your children. Call your parents out of the blue just to have a little chat. These small gestures can have such a large impact on your relationships.

If you are not satisfied with your relationships, make the decision that you will take the first step in the change process. I hope these thoughts will help in your journey of change.

The Power of Apology

2010-03-29T22:13:00.005-05:00

Many of us have been in the position where we have been hurt and someone owes us an apology. Many of us have also been on the flip side where we are the ones that need to do the apologizing. But does apologizing seem pointless sometimes or maybe even overrated? Because how many times has someone apologized to you and it was the furthest thing from sincere? You might even remember as a child your mother or father telling you to apologize and shake hands with a friend that you had an altercation with. You go through the motions, but it pretty much meant nothing.

So, the questions I raise are"What makes an apology sincere? How is it done right?" A truly effective apology is not easy to do. It requires a level head, emotional maturity, humility, and vulnerability. These attributes are hard to accomplish when your character or reputation is being challenged. Most of us are good people and upstanding citizens; therefore, we don't like to hear that we have hurt someone, especially someone dear to us. So, when we apologize, we tend to make our apologies about us. For example, this might look like, "I'm sorry, but (fill in the blank)." When we try to offer an explanation right off the bat, we discredit the apology. It's a defense.....it's the furthest thing from becoming vulnerable.

So, before you make an apology, consider the following ADVICE:

Remember, the purpose of the apology is to restore the relationship, thus, think about what you want to say and how you want to say it.
Ask yourself, "Am I truly apologizing or am I trying to provide him/her rationale/understanding for my behavior?"
If the words, "but" "however" or "although" are part of the content, then you probably are not ready to apologize.
Remember, your logic or rationale for your behavior does NOT take away the hurt. The hurt is very real and influenced by something you did despite your intentions.
Remember, the apology isn't about you, so do NOT wait around for an "I forgive you" response.

Allow me to give you an EXAMPLE of what a powerful apology looks like: A father might say to a child "(Kneeling down to eye level of hurt child, with both hands on child's shoulders) I am sorry that I haven't been the dad I need to be. I will work harder at (fill in the blank). I hope you can forgive me. (Parent kisses child on forehead and immediately turns to leave)."

I want you to notice first, that the parent lowered himself physically making himself an equal to the child (not easy for a parent to do). Next, notice that he did not offer any excuses or explanations for his behavior. He simply acknowledged his shortcomings and apologized. Lastly, notice that the father did NOT wait around for the child to respond. Remember, the apology isn't about you. Part of the risk in truly apologizing is that you won't be forgiven. Forgiveness is strictly up to the person doing the forgiving. If you hang around for their response, then you are putting them under undo pressure to forgive you.

I hope you take away something useful from this entry. Any insights you have are more than welcomed. I look forward to reading them.

Is Texting Detrimental on Relationships?

2010-03-05T14:31:00.016-06:00

Do you text? Do you tweet? Are you on Facebook or MySpace? Social networking has hit the floor running over the past few years. I have to admit, I, myself, have been sucked in to the social networking world. I have a Facebook account; I can be followed on Twitter; I can be connected with on LinkedIn; and I also am a part of Christian networking site known as Missional Outreach Network developed by a friend of mine.

When we sign up for such sites, we do not really think anything of it. Afterall, what harm could come by it. Most of the sites have privacy controls now so we can limit who views our profiles and we can select whom we allow in our circle - our "friends." I am still surprized as to how many users accept people they don't even know into their "friends" list, but that is another post for another time. There are a lot of positive things that can come through these social networking sites. You can reconnect and stay connected with friends and family. You can advance your business or further a cause. You can even use it as a tool for Christian outreach. But what happens when we don't set boundaries with these sites? Or with texting for that matter?

Although people stay connected through social networking and texting, these forms of communication can also be detrimental to relationships. I have seen full blown arguments take place on Facebook. I am aware of difficult, deep conversations taking place via texting and instant messenger. Using such methods in attempt to resolve conflict or converse about deep issues is not the wisest form of communication one could choose. In fact, it most likely will work against you rather than for you.

One reason we shouldn't use social networking or texting to discuss relationship problems is because others are left to interpret the meaning of our written words. Most of the time when this happens, the messages are written on a whim without much thought put into it, not to mention that most people try to keep them short to preserve time and space. Reading tone and emotion is almost next to impossible anyway, but this makes it all the more difficult.

Another reason we should choose wisely on our approach to discuss problematic issues has to do with the concept of vulnerability. Whenever we feel hurt, angry, confused, etc., we enter into a state of vulnerability. This is when we often say or do things that we regret later, which is why in order to keep relationships healthy, we must learn to effectively communicate and resolve conflict when we are feeling vulnerable. These are not easy skills to acquire and there is always more to learn. But, people are starting to gravitate toward wall posts, IM, and, the easiest avenue, TEXTING. They choose this method because it is safe, but it is extremely ineffective and often ends up perpetuating the problem and the hurt connected to it.

This is my encouragement to you. When you are faced with a dilemma with a close friend, relative, or especially your spouse, PUT DOWN YOUR PHONES and CLOSE YOUR LAPTOPS. Take a risk and go to them and talk it out like adults. Using these "safe" methods are often childish and cowardice. Jesus knew what he was talking about in Matthew 18 when he commanded us to go to one another when we feel like we've been sinned against. He knew that when we feel hurt or betrayed by someone we love, we should approach them in person (the narrow road) and not take easy way out (the broad road).

I am very interested in hearing your thoughts on this matter.

Focus on Integrity

2010-02-09T18:15:00.004-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, I heard a great lesson presented by Mark Taylor, from Memorial Road Church of Christ, entitled "How to Live with Spiritual Integrity." Mark did a great job emphasizing how we need to (1) keep our conscience clean (2 Corinthians 1:12) and (2) keep our conduct Christ-like. But how does integrity fit in the marital relationship? What role does it play in parenting?

When I am working with couples and parents in counseling, I emphasize the tremendous importance of behaving with integrity. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, points out that we actually need to work at raising our integrity. Behaving with integrity needs to be at the forefront of minds because it can be so easily compromised.

So, "What is integrity?" you might ask. Here's my definition: When your behavior accurately reflects your values, morals, and beliefs. Sounds simply, eh? Well, unfortunately, it's a lot easier said than done. You might be thinking, "I do this. I don't struggle with compromising my values, morals, and/or beliefs." If that is the case, then kudos for you. I hope there are others around you that learn from your example. But, many might think they don't struggle with this, but really do and just don't know it.

Living with integrity is especially hard in relationships because we have this part within us that tends to complicate things and cloud our judgement......a component of our being we like to call emotions. When our emotions drive our behaviors, we often find ourselves doing things that bring shame upon us. We often find ourselves in this predicament in our relationships because of the emotional connection that is shared. I will assume that most of you value marriage. So think about this, when things get tense in your marriage, how do you and/or your spouse treat each other? Do you yell and scream? Do you belittle or nag? Do you use sarcasm or put-downs? When we give into these urges, we have immediately compromised our integrity. What about the parent-child relationship? Most of us value that relationship as well. Therefore, have you found yourself making emotional outbursts toward your children? Do you not follow through with discipline or make empty threats? Do you ignore or disconnect from your children when things get tense? Do you neglect them the privilege of seeing you love their mother/father (2-parent families)? Again.........giving in to these temptations is an instantaneous compromise of integrity.

My encouragement and challenge for you is to NOT let the subtleties of these temptations creep up on you. Keep the thought that "I am to behave with integrity ALL the time" at the forefront of your mind, especially when things get tense. Work hard at staying rational and not letting your emotions take over. It's not easy, but it can be done.

Can Unconditional Love Exist in a Marriage?

2010-01-27T23:10:00.006-06:00

In marriage (or couples) counseling, this question often comes up in one way or another. A wife might say, "I love my husband unconditionally, but I don't believe he does." Or, a husband might make the claim that he does certain things because he loves his wife unconditionally. But can it really be done? Afterall, we know the Lord loves us with unconditional (agape) love. But did he set up the marital relationship to function in the same capacity as his relationship with us?

It is hard for me to make the claim that one can love their spouse unconditionally. Marriage is a give and take relationship. We expect certain exchanges to take place, if they don't the marriage tends to deteriorate. There are popular books that center around this thought like His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Both of these books focus on how making the necessary exchanges in the marital relationship is key to the vitality of the relationship. Harley uses the analogy of the "Love Bank." If we are only making withdrawals from our spouse's love bank and not making any deposits, we'll experience a deficit in the relationship.

Look at it this way. Have you paid attention to how hard it is to make a marriage work? We have to make a decision every day to love our spouses and stay in the relationship. Some days this is very easy for most, but there are other days that this is very difficult. Now, how hard is it for us to make this decision with our children? For most parents, although sometimes we don't enjoy being parents, we would not consider for a second giving up our children. No matter how much they tire us out or how much they hurt us or how much they interrupt our lives, we still choose them. Why, you might ask? Well, because we CAN love our children unconditionally. If our spouses treated us like our kids often do, we'd have a hard time justifying the marriage.

Although I don't believe unconditional love exists in the marital relationship, we can have unconditional commitment. Do the words "Til death do us part" ring a bell? Everytime a couple enters my office for marriage counseling, they are doing their best to uphold this notion of "unconditional commitment." And having a strong sense of unconditional commitment is what often saves marriages.

The Daddy's Perspective: Part II

2010-01-02T22:20:00.000-06:00

It's been 5 days since Liam was born and I still can't believe he is ours. On numerous occasions I have said or thought to myself, "I can't believe we have 2 kids now." Nine years ago God blessed me with the most wonderful woman I had ever met. His blessings continue to reign down on me as evidenced by these two wonderful boys he has placed in my life.

You know, my perspective of Liam's birth was somewhat different from my perspective of Casen's. There were some obvious differences. For example, the labor was less intense, so my hand hurt less; not to mention the fact that I forgot how the breathing was supposed to work (note: thanks to the nurses and my wife for refreshing my memory). But these aren't the kind of differences I'm talking about.

As I walked in to the hospital on December 28th, a since of familiarity rushed over me. I'd been here before. I'm not referring to the hospital, but to this place in life. Nearly 2 years ago, I was checking my wife and myself into a room in the labor and delivery ward; and on this day, I found myself doing it again. As I sat on the "cozy" loveseat in our room, I patiently listened to the nurse go over all the necessary paperwork and expectations with my soon-to-be induced wife. I kind of zoned in and out, because, afterall, I'd heard it all before. The whole experience was becoming kind of anti-climactic - almost as if it wasn't as special because it was the 2nd time around. Little did I know that God was about to give me a rude awakening.

As labor progressed, I worked hard at resuming my role as breathing coach and supportive husband. But I often found myself checking the clock not only in anticipation of the arrival of this new little guy, but also with inpatience as I wondered "When is this going to end?" Again, I think I'd convinced myself that this time just wasn't going to be as special, so I just wanted to get it over with....afterall, I did remember how much I hated seeing my bride in so much pain. However, as labor intensified, I started to feel the same feelings I had 2 years ago......feelings of fear as I watched the delivery......feelings of excitement as I was about to meet my new baby boy after a long 9 months of waiting......feelings of awe as I thought about how amazing God is that He formed this child in his mother's womb. I started having glimpses of my first son's birth. I remembered his HUGE head. I remembered how he didn't breath for about 10 seconds (the longest 10 seconds of my life). I remembered how his lifeless purple body changed to a glorious peach as God breathed in him the breath of life. God had reminded me of not only how amazing He is, but also, how honored I was to be a part of this experience for a second time.

However, God had one final display of His awe in store for me. He didn't show me by growing a huge baby as Liam was quite a bit smaller than Casen. He didn't show me by having me wait 10 seconds for Liam to take his first breath as Liam came out kicking and screaming. But what he had in store for me was quite different than what I experienced 2 years ago; and quite AWEsome to say the least. After the good doctor gently pulled Liam from his mother's womb (and nearly dropping him I might add) she gently placed him on his mother's chest. This was familiar ground again. I am very fond of the memory I have when I saw my wife look at our first born for the first time. It was her reaction that brings tears to my eyes to this day. So when the good doctor laid our newly born baby upon my wife's chest, I zeroed in on my wife's face as I waited for her amazing reaction. But it wasn't upon my wife's face where God would show His awe and glory, but upon the face of my newly born son. I watched mother and son gaze into each other's eyes and time stood still. It seemed they were communicating telepathically as if they were saying to each other, "Hello there. I've waited a long time for this moment. We are finally together." Then God did it. Because the most amazing thing happened next - he smiled.

Are You Worthy to be Called "Hero" by Your Children?

2009-12-22T21:29:00.000-06:00

You may recall a time when you were a child when someone asked you about your "hero." Or, recently, someone may have asked you who you admired most when you were growing up. I have asked some form of this question to groups on multiple occasions (mostly as an icebreaker in Bible studies). Some of the more common answers are "my preacher/youth minister" "my grandfather/mother" and some times I'd get some weird ones, like "the guy who always handed out candy at church." Recently, I was told about a guy who handed out $100 bills to young couples so they could go out on dates. However, no doubt, in every group, someone will mention their mother and/or father. What is interesting to me though is that when these people say "my mom" or "my dad," they do so in a way where their demeanor communicates "sorry, this is all I have...." Its almost as if they are disappointed they didn't have a more intriguing answer to the question. My response is "Great!" I love to hear stories about good habits that people observed from their parents growing up. For instance, "I will always remember my dad reading his Bible every night in bed before he went to sleep" or "My mom gets up at 5:30 every morning and prays for about an hour before starting her day."

Someone recently asked me "Should every parent be their child's #1 hero?"My response was "No, but every parent should be a possible hero to their children." In other words, not every person will choose their parents when asked this question, but if they were to create a short list of heroes, their parents should be on it. You know, so often we are focused on our children's behavior, but a question that we need to constantly be asking ourselves as parents is "Have I been behaving in such a way that would constitute "hero" status in my child's eyes?" Notice the italics. The emphasis is on the "child's" perspective not the "parent's" perspective. Just because we think we are doing a good job, doesn't mean our children do. Our children's perspective is many ways is more important than our perspective when it comes to how we choose to parent them.

I have a nearly 2 yr old son and a son due any day now. I pray for their well being in almost every prayer I send up. I also pray that Amanda and I will be good parents and that we will grow our kids to be wonderful Christian young men. But, I also make sure to pray for the parents of my sons' future wives (assuming they will some day desire to marry). I pray that their wives are or will be part of a healthy home and that they will be nourished physically, mentally/emotionally, and spiritually. I pray that their parents will reach "hero" status in the eyes of their children.....in the eye's of my son's future wives.

To close out this entry, I pose the question to you one more time, "Have you been behaving in such away that constitutes "hero" status?" If your answer is "no," it is never too late to change. Remember, even if your kids are grown and gone, you are still a parent. So, as long as the parent-child relationship still exists, there is still hope things can turn around. I wish you all the best in your relationships.

Inspiration in Kansas.....Who Would've Guessed?

2009-07-19T22:25:00.000-05:00

I just returned from a wedding in Wichita, Kansas. What a wonderful experience! Watching two people start their lives together.....just awesome, right? Well, that was pretty cool too, but the wedding in itself was not the reason I had such a great time. It was something else.

You know...when I met my wife, I had no idea the blessings the Lord had in store for me. I mean, I felt blessed to have the family I was born into, but I had no idea that I would marry into one equally as great. First, he blesses me with an amazing wife, so you can imagine my surprise when I discover what wonderful mother and father-in-law I inherited. So, I'm thinking, "Wow. This is awesome, but the greatness has to stop somewhere, right? Her family has got to be whack jobs or something." I was wrong. The blessing of family continued and still does to this day.

So, why did I enjoy the wedding so much you might ask? Because of all the wonderful people in my wife's family that were all brought together. So much joy emanates from this family one can't help but to feel the love. The genuineness, honesty, and humility of this family is so attractive that saying goodbye seems to be a tedious and draining task. Think about it. When we are attracted to something, we are are drawn to it. It actually takes effort to break away. I can't think of how many necks I hugged and goodbyes were exchanged today. And I'm sure that I doubled up on more than one person. Again, it is tiring saying goodbye to something so great.

So now I find myself at home feeling sad.....but the good kind of sad. The kind of sad that helps you remember that there are still things in this world that are good and pure. That there are people that love with the love of the Lord.....and they are looking forward to reuniting with you as much as you with them. In addition to my sadness, I feel inspired. God gave me exactly what I needed this weekend. Being with my wife's family inspires me to be a better person....a better Christian. It's not that I feel like I have distanced myself from God. But, we all have room to grow. I was definitely nourished this weekend. I thank God for the continuous blessings reigned down on me through marriage that began almost 10 yrs ago when I saw a beautiful 18 yr old girl sitting across from me at a college devotional. Her name was Amanda and she would soon become my wife.

Be Still and Know

2009-04-12T22:09:00.000-05:00

I have a short story to tell about an experience I had at my son's daycare. I showed up around noon to my son's daycare to document my son's very first Easter egg hunt. I was about 30 minutes early, so I just stood around and watched the kids play to kill time. My attention had turned to my son's play (as it often does), when I heard "Hey!" I turned my head toward the voice when I saw a 4 yr old boy staring intently at me. He then proceeded to say, "What are you looking at?" Trying my best NOT to say mockingly "What are you looking at?", I simply said, "My son." He said, "Oh," and continued on with what he was doing. A few minutes later, I hear, once again, "Hey." When I turned toward the familair voice, I saw the same little boy, once again, staring intently at me. Once he knew he had my attention, he asked in his best bad cop voice, "Are you looking at your son again?" Chuckling, I said, "Yes. Yes I am." He then ran over to my son and began to play with him. After a moment or two, my son looked up at this youngin and relayed to him a brief baby-talk monologue. This young boy looked up at me with a confused look and I said, "He's been talking more and more lately." Then this boy said to me, "Yeah, but I can't understand a single word he says."

A few minutes later, I sat down at a table and this little boy decided to engage me in conversation. I'm not sure how we got on the subject, but I found myself explaining to this young inquisitive soul that my son goes by his middle name because he and I share a first name. The little boy cuts his eyes up and to the right. I could just see the wheels turning as I anticipated his response. Just when I thought he couldn't surprise me again, he asked me this ingenious question: Why did your mom name you the same name as your son? Interestingly enough, I could NOT come up with a decent answer. Therefore, I simply stated while half laughing, "That is a good question." That answer seemed to suffice for this small child.

I love this story because it reminds me of how sweet, pure, and innocent children are. It helps me realize what Jesus was talking about when he said that we must become like children in order to enter the kingdom of God (Mark 10:13-15). I think we often get caught up in this busy life that we often ignore or get annoyed when we have experiences like this one. We need to work hard to take the time to be still and listen when we encounter a small child......... God just might be speaking to us through them.

Buying a House.....A Spiritual Journey

2008-12-31T12:30:00.000-06:00

Well, it has been a while since I have written on my blog, but I have good reason for that. My wife and I recently sold our house in Stillwater and have successfully relocated in the metro area. The images are just for viewing pleasure to illustrate how God has blessed me with an awesome wife and child aside from material possessions. This is the first time my wife and I had to sell a home in one city and buy a home in another. I look back on this experience and feel somewhat guilty, because God truly blessed me and my family in this process. I think Jesus would have told me on a daily basis for a month straight the words he uttered on a mountainside to crowds from Galilee, the Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan, as found in Mt. 6:30.......c'mon, say it with me, "Oh, you of little faith." In the moment, sometimes we can't help to stress. That is why we have to take a step back and look at what is going on. In the church, we often call this a retreat. A retreat doesn't have to be an activity-filled event scheduled by a minister that last for days and costs an arm and a leg. We can take daily retreats in the form of journaling, prayer, reading and reflection, and many others. And we can do it in the comfort of our own home.

As I reflect upon this experience, I can see how much God was working. I couldn't see it at the time because I was too consumed with helping God out....what a joke. I think it's kinda funny that He allowed me to think that I was the one actually taking care of things. I'm thankful God isn't emotionally reactive or we'd all be looking over our shoulder. So....while I was stressing out on the phone with realtors, bankers, handymen, and running errand after errand....God was busy working for me and my family. I've often caught myself saying that "everything just fell into place." I'm sorely mistaken. Things didn't just fall into place....God put things in place exactly where he wanted them to be.

He began by giving us a realtor that worked very hard to sell our home. While the home next door sat without any showings for months, our home showed the very first day on the market and 5 times total. We had an offer made on the house one day shy of 3 weeks. And better yet, the young man was a college student and wanted to close near the end of the semester, which gave us plenty of time to look for a home to buy. Later we found out that neither this college student nor his mother ever saw the home in person, but just looked at pictures on the web. And to put the cherry on top, we walked away with enough equity to put a nice, conservative down payment on our new home (note: we'd only lived in this house for almost 4.5 yrs). With the economy in the shape it is in right now, one can't ask for better results. God is so good.

So, my wife and I spent a weekend looking at homes in the metro area. God blessed us with another great realtor. I'm not sure, but I think our price range was way below than her normal clientele. But, she never said a word about it....she dug up several homes for us to go see and drove my wife and I and our 10 month old son (at that time) around all day on Saturday and half day on Sunday looking at homes. The 2nd house she showed us had just been on the market 5 days. She said it didn't appear to be what we were looking for (note: there was no pictures at all on the web), but since it was in the area, she thought we'd go take a look. We bought that house. (Click the link to see video from my wife's blog). And to make things better, they accepted our 1st offer. And to add the cherry on top, they agreed to close on the same day we were closing in Stillwater. God is so good.

Now comes the truck rental. I went with Budget, which I'd highly recommend. They were over $200 cheaper than U-Haul, and they gave us an extra day for FREE. We had about 7 men from our church show up on a cold Sunday afternoon to help us load. We closed in Stillwater on the following Monday morning with no problems whatsoever and then closed in the metro area that afternoon....again, flawless. We unloaded our truck in the dark, but knocked in out in a matter of a couple of hours because so many of our wonderful friends and family showed up to help. I even had a friend and his wife drive my truck down from Stillwater, with her finals coming up and a dissertation defense for him. God is so good.

I know this was a lengthy entry, but I really wanted to share this experience.....I even left some things out. My next/current spiritual journey?.....going into private practice. WooHoo! I'm excited and nervous, but am confident that I probably will try to help God out again. He'll let me amuse him for a while, then he will show me reality....that He is the one that is truly faithful. He's so good...to....me.

The Rest of the Story

2008-08-25T13:55:00.000-05:00

This entry is part 2 to my latest entry entitled "Prejudices...we all have'em." I hope you take the time to read that entry before moving on to this one....it might help this one make more sense.

So, reflecting on the title of my previous entry, I believe that we all have prejudices when it comes to people of different ethnic groups, and social class for that fact. However, I also believe that we are called to overcome as many of those prejudices as we possibly can as everyone - red, yellow, black, and white (so the song goes) - is made in the image of God (Gen. 1:27) and God desires that everyone be saved (1 Timothy 2:3-4). God truly sees us all as equals. One way that I believe is helpful in helping us discover and overcome our ignorance in relation this matter is by educating ourselves by hearing other's perspectives. My stepdad hit the nail on the head when he said he thinks it is crucial to our mental and spiritual growth that we force ourselves to listen to what others have to say, despite whether or not we think we'll agree. I couldn't agree more. College and graduate school provided me the means to expand my horizons. I've been blessed to hear so many different speakers and perspectives concerning all kinds of issues. But I understand that not all people have that luxury, but books, movies, and music are widely available to us all. I am going to use this entry to discuss 1 book, 1 movie, and 1 song that helped me gain a clearer picture of those who appear different than me at first glance.

I'll begin with the song. Garth Brook's "We Shall Be Free." What a wonderful song (...catchy beat too). Garth really nails it with this song. He pretty much hammers home the fact that even if we think we might be free, we're not....not until people quit judging and sentencing each other. The part of the song that always gives me chills is when Garth sings in perfect harmony these words: When there's only one race and that's mankind....We Shall Be Free. Do you ever think how silly and juvenile it is to judge someone by the color of their skin? To think one's better than another just because of what part of the world they come from? To make judgments in character based one's religious affiliation or the acts of one's ancestors? I kinda chuckle when I think about how primitive we are sometimes. The judging and sentencing is God's responsibility, not ours (Matthew 7:1). It shows tremendous lack of faith to take that responsibility as our own.

Next, I'll briefly discuss a book I recently read. This book is called "The Same Kind of Different as Me." The title itself causes one to step back and think. This is a true story about a wealthy art dealer and modern day slave and how they changed each other's lives. This book really encourages the reader to take a look at him/herself, even if s/he doesn't want to. You just can't help it. As I read about the art dealer's life, I reflected back on how I grew up and the beliefs that I had concerning other races, particularly African Americans and Native Americans, and how I was severely flawed in my thinking. The wealthy art dealer in this true story grew up hearing the N-word like it was just part of everyday vernacular. I understand that those were different times back then; but, even though that word may not have been as offensive as it is today, there still was this underlying negative connotation that screamed "you're beneath me." Meanwhile, the African American man, was a slave up until the late 60's early 70's if I have my facts straight. His story is flat out amazing. He is a survivor by all sense of the word. But, most people didn't care to see that part of his life. This book is neat because it also challenges your mind in the area of social class, because the art dealer was a millionaire and the modern day slave, after becoming fed up with plantation life, was homeless. This book really gives the reader an look inside the world of homeless people. It's not what we automatically assume. I think many in the middle and upper class SES are disgusted by homeless people. Did you ever think that we actually disgust them? And once you hear their reasoning, it actually makes sense and you got to respect them for that. It is neat to watch the perspectives change and the respect grow as these two men are challenged by the lives of one another. One thing you might learn, as I did, is that once we get the whole story, instead of filling in the gaps with our own small-minded ignorance, we tend to gain more compassion and understanding. I'll talk more about this when I discuss my 1 movie. All in all, I think everyone and their mother should read this book. But, the hardhearted should be aware of the risks......as this story of two men from two different worlds might penetrate into the very center of your soul.

Lastly.....the 1 movie. Now, before I begin, allow me to give a disclaimer. I usually do not promote rated R films. My wife and I watched this movie with a foul language filter, which I do recommend if you decide to watch this movie. However, little did I know that there was brief nude scene, which, as you might have guessed, a foul language filter doesn't....um....filter. But a clearplay DVD player would do the trick. Nonetheless, this movie, with it's all-star cast, had the single biggest impact on me when it comes race and the conflicts therein. The name of the movie is "Crash." Allow me to tell you about it. This movie is about the racial tension and persecution that exists between all ethnic groups. Racism isn't only between whites and all other minorities. The commonality of being a minority for many isn't good enough reason to co-exist in peace and harmony. No...there is tension between blacks and hispanics, hispanics and Asians, Asians and whites, and any other combination you could come up with. But what I like so much about this movie is that the first half of the movie villianizes the "racists" or "biggets" in the movie. In fact, the writer and director will have you almost hating some of them. But, the second half of the movie, will make your mind do a somersault. They give the rest of the story so to speak. You learn about the reasons these "racists" are the way they are. You are made aware of the painful events and circumstances that molded them into the pitiful souls that defines their existence. The challenging part is that our mind knows that there is nothing in their past that excuses their behavior. In other words, it doesn't matter what their reasons are, their belief-inspired actions were flat out wrong. And yet.....at the same time, you are filled with compassion and your heart breaks for them. For instance, there is a scene where this white cop pulls over a black man because he thinks he is with a white woman; but, it turns out she was black too, just not as dark as her husband. To make a long story short, the white cop (played by Matt Dillion) more or less sexually assaults this woman while frisking her. This causes a long line of problems in her marriage that I won't get into. But the story goes on and you get the cop's history and you understand he is hurting and taking his pain out on blacks, because they are the one's in close association with his pain, but they're not the one's fault (the system is at fault)......but, we gotta blame someone right? Well, later on, this lady has a wreck and she becomes pinned in her car which is aflame and about to blow. This racist cop is the first on the scene. Shockingly, he goes in after her....their fingertips are touching, but he just can't reach her. His colleagues reach in and pull him out in fear for his life. He fights to break free from his cop buddies and dives back in the car after her. You are sure they are both goners now. BUT HE DOES IT...he pulls her out and the car blows just seconds afterwards. Another cop rushes over and takes the woman from his arms. The cop drops to his knees on the pavement in exhaustion. And as the other cop carries the woman away in his arms, she looks back at him....back at this man that she hated for what he did to her the trouble he caused in her marriage. You see the confusion in her face as she slowly is carried away from him. "Why did this person that obviously has it in for my kind jump into fiery furnace to save me? Why did this man, who more or less molested me in front of my husband, risk his own life to save mine?" It just doesn't makes sense.....well, because she didn't have the rest of the story.

We often are afraid of the rest of the story. It might produce doubt or fear or confusion. We like things to make sense and getting the rest of the story might perturb our nicely crafted worldview. We don't like feeling compassionate for evildoers. We don't like having a battle between our heart and mind. We don't like feeling that vulnerable. Jesus wasn't afraid of being vulnerable. Jesus was compassionate toward evildoers. It was Jesus who said that "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick...'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners" (Mt. 9:12-13). This is a powerful message. And this movie really forces you to take a deep look at yourself. I know I did. And although I am sure I have some work to do in this area, I have become more patient and understanding toward those different than me. I actually find myself often defending them. Here are only a couple changes I've made that I am willing to share. First, I decided to appreciate and embrace Native American culture, since I do have roots there. I like to hear their stories and like keeping up-to-date with my tribe. I hope someday I can be more involved. Secondly, I have become more patient with non-English speaking minorities. I mainly encountered these wonderful people at the university I attended for graduate school. I used to think, "If you are going to come to my country, at least learn the language." Now, I remember that they are trying to get a good education to better themselves and their families' lives. And most are working very hard to learn the language as my wife and others from my church have gone and read English with them on many occasions. Plus, what does it say about our country's universities that other countries are sending their own to be educated in? They are human beings that deserve as much respect as me. Even more so, they are sinners, like me, that deserve to know Christ.

MAKE A CHANGE IN YOURSELF TODAY, IF YOU ARE WILLING TO TAKE THE RISK

Prejudices...we all have'em

2008-08-03T19:40:00.000-05:00

I want to use the blog entry to post my thoughts on a controversial topic - racism and our role in it. This is part one of two entries. I hope these entries will challenge you to take a good look at yourself in order that you might determine wherein lies your prejudices so that you might be able to better overcome them. Let me start with an assumption. I assume that we all have prejudices when it comes to race. The American Heritage Dictionary defines prejudice as an adverse judgment or opinion formed beforehand or without knowledge or examination of the facts. This doesn't mean I think everyone is a racist or a bigot. I just believe that all people in all ethnicities, including myself, have beliefs about others belonging to different ethnicities that would classify as stereotypical, which means we have formed them based on biased information (e.g., our personal experiences; what I was raised to believe; etc.), not the facts. Now many of you might not be able to articulate your beliefs on this issue without some serious thought. However, despite whether you are aware or unaware of your own prejudices, these preconceived opinions, which were probably unfairly and inappropriately formed, your interactions with others. Look how the disciples acted when they found Jesus (a Jew) - the Lion of Judah, God in the flesh, their Savior - conversing with a 4-time divorced, adulterous, Samaritan woman. They were appalled. Samaritans were seen as worse than dogs by the Jews. Additionally, Jewish men didn't speak to women in public. Based on what they had been taught, they had every right to question Jesus' behavior. But it was Jesus' behavior that showed them the right way. And because of Jesus' socially unacceptable efforts, many Samaritans accepted the living water Jesus offered.

I think the reason we struggle with this so much is because gathering the facts is a lot easier said than done. In fact, one can never have all the facts. Therefore, we rely on our own experiences or experiences of others (i.e., 2nd, 3rd, 4th-hand "knowledge" - ignorance might be a better term here) because it is just easier. It is easier because there is no mental/cognitive/intellectual/perceptual challenge. Because when our perspective is challenged, that means we might have to rethink how we believe about something. If we convince ourselves we have been believing the wrong way all along, then we have to change. And if we change, we run the risk of stirring the pot. And changing your mind on an issue so controversial, often means relationships change. It means you automatically put yourself at the receiving end of ridicule and persecution. Some relationships will simply be altered and adjustment will come easily. On the other hand, other relationships will be damaged and friendships will be lost. For instance, after I became aware of some of my prejudices, all of sudden, racist jokes became appalling to me. So when someone close to me cracks one, I am torn because I want to laugh in order to avoid an awkward situation, but at the same time, I really wouldn't be acting with integrity if I did laugh. So, I sometimes feel I am being judged by my behavior, which is influenced by my perspective change regarding this matter. It would have been easier for me to just maintain the status quo. No challenge. No change.

Most of us grow up being inadvertently taught these ignorant, biased opinions by our parents and family members, whether by word or deed. I am sure one fine day my own son will be challenged by something on this matter and realize what he believes is wrong....he'll realize that, out of my ignorance, I unintentionally taught him something inappropriate about a particular race or ethnic group. I hope these realizations will be minimal for him though. I said all that so you might see that I am empathetic when it comes to changing your worldview on an issue like race. It is an issue that everyone faces; no one can escape it. Hebrews 5:13-14 states, "Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." I think our prejudiced beliefs are the milk, so if we want to grow, we've got to give up the milk and start looking for the solid food. I believe it is our responsibility to put our biases aside and gather more facts, even though we know we could never attain them all.

I have more to say on the matter, but I would like you to chew on these thoughts first. Be looking for part 2 in the near future. Take care and I look forward to reading your thoughts.

Burdens or Blessings?

2008-07-20T22:23:00.000-05:00

You ever have one of those days where nothing goes right? Or maybe, it lasts beyond a 24 hour period to a week...a month...or even a year or longer. A couple of years ago, my wife and I got a long hard dose of this experience. Let me take you back to when it all began, Memorial Day Weekend 2005, early Saturday morning at my dad's house. My wife and I had loaded up our luggage, including our one and a half year old Brittany Spaniel and Sharpei-Lab mix, and we headed west toward my mom's house, which was about 15 miles away. I had the lame brain idea of letting our Brittany ride in the bed of the pickup, after all, our Blue Heelers did it all time growing up; plus, I reassured my wife I'd drive slowly. Well, that didn't stop him from breaking his leg as he crashed down on the pavement a few miles from my dad's place. This incident resulted in several pricey vet visits, including once surgery and weeks of recovery. It was a long 10 weeks. To add to the excitement, we also discovered our home had a horrible gas leak, and tree fell over in our yard and took with it some sort of power lines. But to put the cherry on top, one day my wife and I noticed our other dog was walking funny. We took her to the vet only to discover she had the worse case of hip displasia the vet had ever seen in a dog that young....and it was in both hips. Yep, you guessed, two more surgeries. Now, I know many of you (assuming many people read this blog) have the same thought as my dad and brother, "It's a dog. Just get a new one." But, if you love dogs like my wife and I, you'd understand. I said all that, simply to say, we had a bad year. Lots of unforeseen expenses.

Well, the Lord saw us through and provided as He always does. When the "crisis" is over, I am quite ashamed at my little faith. So it has been a couple years since this series of unfortunate events, but my wife and I come full circle. Lately it seems that there is one thing to do after another, and it always cost money. And on top of that, my wife is transitioning from graduate school to her new job, which means at least 1 month without pay. OUCH! As some of you know, my wife recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in January. So, I don't know if this expense counts as it is something most new parents experience. There are diapers, doctor's visits, hospital bills, child care, and much much more. But let me list some other things that have occurred since January. My wife informed me she was in dire need of new clothes. Now, this was something we couldn't foresee. The maternity clothes were too big, but her pre-pregnancy clothes were still too small. No big deal. But what surprised me the most were her shoes. I couldn't believe she went so long without buying new ones. They were in such pathetic condition, we couldn't even donate them. A homeless person wouldn't even want these shoes. So we bought her new shoes. Well, I too needed new shoes. But not just tennis shoes, but also dress shoes. Let me move on to our vehicles. Not only have I knocked off the spoiler and tore off some molding on our fairly new Toyota Matrix, but recently my wife pull up over a curb while parking. We traded vehicles that day and when I backed it out, it almost tore the entire front end off. So we'll have to get that fixed. Then, the other day, I went out to my pickup and it wouldn't start....the battery was dead. So, I had to go spend almost a hundred bucks on a new battery this weekend. On top of that we keep getting medical bills that we thought we had paid off. But, again, to add the cherry on top, our kitchen cabinets fell off the wall the other day. I chuckle in disbelief when I think about it. So, I have a guy coming out to give me an estimate on that. Additionally, we are planning on moving in a few months, and the house needs a little lift before we sell.

I said all that to share with you this thought. Early one morning, I was sitting on my Oklahoma State University park bench in my front yard with my son. It was such a beautiful morning. My son was calm and content, so I decided to send up a little prayer to God. As I was praying, I guess the Holy Spirit moved me thank God for all the blessings he has given us - the house, the cars, the dogs, my wife, my son, etc. These are the blessing I have often found myself complaining about. I realized that God has blessed me with so much, that it is hard sometimes giving those blessing their due attention in order take care of them. Ironically, I still pray for more. That particular morning, I found a new appreciation and outlook regarding my "burdens." These kinds of burdens are simply a reminder to me that I am blessed beyond what I deserve. God is Good.

What's Your Motivation?

2008-06-07T22:05:00.000-05:00

I was real proud of myself the other day. I ran a 7 minute mile on the treadmill and 2 miles in 14 minutes 13 seconds. That was heavy hauling for me...my lungs hurt all day. I started running and lifting weights when I began college almost 10 years ago. I've gotten more serious about in the past year or two, but it has been something important to me nonetheless. Here recently, my wife and I have added healthy eating to our lifestyle. We do this because we respect ourselves; thus, we want to keep our bodies, minds, and souls healthy. Not to say we don't struggle with self-hatred/dislike from time to time, but for the most part, we try hard to take care of what God has given us.

It wasn't always this way for me. My motivation for working out, dieting, etc., was my dislike of self whereas now I do it out of self-respect. But, as I already mentioned, the self-hatred motivation is still something I struggle with from time to time. This clip from Scrubs might ring true for many of you that have decided to start a regular work out routine or join a dieting program. But there is a big problem with self-hatred being our motivation for bettering ourselves. If we are successful in our efforts to better ourselves, then we begin to no longer dislike ourselves; therefore, we lose our motivation. Sometimes we even sabotage our efforts (e.g., binging, giving up-starting over pattern) because in order to continue with the program, we have to hate/dislike ourselves, because that, afterall, is our motivation. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, says that often people have such poor self-image that they decide to join a dieting program, but then end up more miserable than before because now they have given up the only thing in their life that influences happiness - food. Therefore, we need to shift our thinking. We need to start loving and respecting ourselves so that when we choose to exercise or not eat this or that or take some time for prayer and meditation, it is being motivated by our self-love, not self-hatred. Pauls says in Ephesians 5:29, "After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church..." Boy do we need to get our minds back on that line of thinking.

In Memory of Dr. Kathleen Briggs

2008-05-29T10:11:00.000-05:00

On May 21st of this year at 4 a.m., Dr. Kathleen Briggs lost her battle with breast cancer, which began 10 years ago this April. Although I only knew Dr. Briggs (or Kathleen, as she liked most of her graduate students and colleagues to call her) for a short period of time, she had a lasting impact on me as a marital and family therapist and as a person.

I first met Kathleen back in 2002 when I was looking into graduate school at Oklahoma State University. She was the first of the marriage and family therapy (MFT) professors I met. I can remember the zeal and passion she had toward this field. All I remember thinking is, "if she is part of this graduate program, well, this is where I want to be." Later, I was invited to join the 2003 MFT cohort at OSU. You can imagine the disappointment I felt when I discovered that Kathleen wasn't a main part of the MFT program as she took the position as department head. She still seemed to stay connected in various ways, but we, graduate students, rarely saw her in the classroom or clinic. Well, I wasn't about to be deprived of the Kathleen Briggs experience, so I took it upon myself to stop by her office and visit with her as often as I could. As busy as she was as department head, she always seemed to make time to visit with me when I stopped by. I remember one particular time I was contemplating buying a PDA (i.e., pocket pc). I knew she had one, so I stopped by to briefly ask her about it. She dropped what she was doing and spent 30 minutes showing me how it all worked. She even offered to let me borrow hers for a while longer so I could see if that kind of device would best serve my interests. She was such a fabulous person.

The biggest impact Kathleen had on me pertained to how she approached life. I didn't know her before she was diagnosed with cancer, so I can't speak to how her battle with it influenced her perspective on life. However, I do feel like I have a good sense of how she approached life as someone battling with cancer. I've often caught myself describing Kathleen to others as a "machine." It just seemed that she wouldn't let anything bring her down and keep her from living life to the fullest. I'm sure she has had her moments of struggle that she probably revealed to her closest friends and family. But, for the most part, Kathleen stayed positive and determined. I did my internship at a cancer center and I have seen firsthand all the chemicals that get pumped directly into one's veins in effort to battle the cancer. Most of us in the MFT program knew if the cancer had returned; therefore, we knew Kathleen would be receiving chemotherapy. It was always phenomenal to me to know Kathleen was going through something so physically and mentally draining and yet see her in such high spirits. I remember thinking that I hope someday when I stare death in the face, I could stand strong and determined; and know that even if death prevails, I won't go down without putting up one heck of fight. There have been only two people in my life that have had that kind of impact on me, and Kathleen is one of them.

Thank you, Kathleen, for your life that you shared with me. To all who read this, Kathleen was a big supporter of cancer research. And although we have come along way in the search for a cure in the last two decades, there is still much work to be done. The American Cancer Society (http://www.cancer.org/) and the Komen Foundation (http://www.komen.org/) are just a couple of places you can make donations in the effort to find a cure. God bless you all.

What Would You Do If.....

2008-04-13T21:35:00.000-05:00

Please make note that the following entry is a reflection of the many thoughts and challenges that I took away from this book. I, by no means, am suggesting that Yoder's position is the correct one and all other positions are sinful. I, myself, do not adhere totally to Yoder's position, but he does offer some thoughts that are worth thinking about.

What would you do if you were watching a loved one being attacked and you had a loaded gun in your hand? What would you do if someone broke into your house late at night and you had a loaded gun ready and available on your night stand? These are type of hypothetical situations that are discussed in this book. It is a short read and although I don't agree with all the thoughts and theories, I believe it will challenge your mind and I hope it will challenge your faith as well.

My wife and I are involved in small group bible study at our church. We had finished our curriculum a few weeks early; thus, our group decided we would watch a movie together one week and have a bible study pertaining to the movie the next week. We watched the fabulous movie called "End of the Spear," which is a true story about a group of men who gave their lives in effort to bring the gospel message to a very very violent indigenous tribe, known as the Waodoni. Toward the beginning of the movie, after being asked by his son if he would shoot the Waodani if they attacked, one man stated, "We can't shoot the Waodani. The Waodani aren't ready for heaven, we are." He was one of 5 men who was murdered that day by the Waodani tribe. They fired the weapons in the air to try to scare the tribesmen, but they never fired upon them. You'll have to watch the movie to get the rest of the story, but needless to say, the sacrifice of those 5 lives payed off in the end.

What I took away from Yoder's book is that we need to have the mentality of the man in this movie in every situation. God commands us to love our enemies (Luke 6:27-28). God doesn't say to love our enemies, but not if they are threatening your life or the life of a loved one. God doesn't say to love your enemies, but love your Christian brother more. He simply says to love your enemies. BUT, loving our enemies doesn't mean to do nothing in the face of evil. We need to be proactive. The problem is that when we run these hypothetical situations through our brains, we often conclude that "I will kill if I have to." Thus, if something like an attack upon a loved one did occur, we have already narrowed our options down to (1) kill or (2) be killed. Jesus teaches and demonstrates that there are always more options. When faced with life-threatened situations, Jesus didn't call down fire from heaven to eliminate the threat. He took a risk, like in the story of the woman caught in adultery, when he said "He who has not sinned cast the first stone" (see John 8:2-11). Boy....I wonder what was going through that woman's head. I mean, in a way, Jesus just gave those people permission to stone her to death. It was a risk; but it was worth taking in order to try to make a difference, and it did. Yoder puts forth the notion that we need to be convicted to not use physical violence as a means for defense so that our minds are allowed to explore other possibilities. So we can try to determine what will be the difference that will make the biggest difference. However, I, like many of you, don't know if my faith is strong enough to take that kind of risk; but, I am not yet convinced that we are expected to think and behave in such a way when lives are being threatened. I don't think any of us can say without a doubt what we would do in any given situation; however, my hope is that we are convicted enough and have a strong enough faith to act as Christ would have wanted us to. Here's some lingering questions that I do not have the answers to: In a life-threatening situation, can Christ instinctively be your best defense and/or offense? Can you have a mind of evangelism in any and all situations? Can you remember that your "enemies" might not be ready for heaven yet?

This is a controversial topic, I know, especially when you consider Romans 13 (Dr. Chip Kooi offers some theological knowlege regarding Romans 13 on his blog - http://cosmictherapy.blogspot.com/2008/02/pacifism-and-romans-13.html) but it is one that I think needs to be thought about and pondered over by all of us. I do not consider myself a pacifist by no means. In a crisis situation, I still think I would choose to protect my heavenbound family for several different reasons (many of which I consider divine/biblical) rather than protect the assumed lost one who is posing the threat. Even though this book didn't convert me to pacifism, I still think I benefitted from the challenging thoughts within it. I'd recommend that all Christians read it because you will develop a stronger stance, whether it changes or stays the same.

Note: The title of this entry links you to this book on amazon.com.

The Joys of Technology

2008-03-28T23:28:00.000-05:00

This entry was inspired by my 6 yr old niece, whose story I tell in the 3rd paragraph (not counting this one).

If you are like me, then you appreciate the use of technology. I love my little techno-toys. Between my wife and I, we have a desktop computer, a laptop (tablet pc), a pocket pc, an IPOD, and more. And to add to all that, I am currently looking into getting a blackberry. Just to let you know how much I enjoy these technological advances, I sometimes stress out at the thought that I know there are programs and other things on my computer or pocket pc that I don't know how to use. However, I am not so bad that I am losing sleep or giving up excessive amounts of time to play with my gadgets. But I enjoy them nonetheless.

I also take pleasure in hearing stories from old timers who had to make it though life without the same level of technology we have today. Specifically, I hear the most about how people functioned without the internet. People actually did research in libraries and used the dewy decimal system, whatever that may be. Now, we have what we are looking for at the click of a button. I am old enough now to see differences between then and now. My stories look something like this, "I remember when we made it though life with one cell phone," or "Remember when it took a few seconds to get from one website to another? Now it's instantaneous with high speed internet," or "I remember when most of my friends didn't even have a computer in their home." I know this is silly to an older person, but it is still weird for me to see these changes happen so fast. Mind you I am only 28 years old.

I had an eye-opening experience the other day that spoke to the rapid advancement of technology in our society. My 6 year old niece came to visit a couple of weeks ago. I bribed her to go to Wal-Mart with me by offering to buy her some gum (she ended up getting an OSU snowglobe ...I'm a sucker, I know). We hopped in my Ford F-150 XL single cab. Although I love my truck, there is nothing special about it. It is the basic of the basics. It is a stick-shift with no power locks or windows and it has a tape deck (no cd player). So my niece and I pull into Wally World and I park. As I get out on my side, I notice she decides to get out on the passenger side (earlier, she got out on my side with me). So, I told her, "Tana, lock the door." She glances at the door for a few seconds. Thens she raises her hands in the air with a confused look and says, "Big Josh!" That's what she calls me. "Big Josh! How?" So I motioned with my hand to tap the lock down. She looks at the nub sticking up out of the door and gently presses it down. She then looked up and smiled. Enthralled with a sense of accomplishment, she said, "Oh, cool!" and then proceeded out the door.

This story is really funny to me. My niece has become so accustomed to power locks that actually locking one with her own hand was abnormally exciting. But that is the direction our society is heading. I joke around with my wife sometimes and say, "You know when we are grandparents, we'll be telling our grandkids, 'No kidding, phones used to have cords and you couldn't take them out of the house,' or maybe, 'Oh yeah, phones were huge in our day. They were as big as the palm of my hand.'" Wow! It'll be interesting to see what the future holds.

The Daddy's Perspective

2008-02-03T11:56:00.000-06:00

On January 30th of this year at approximately 2:55 p.m., I officially became a father. Allow me to tell you about this birthing process from the daddy's perspective. First of all, my wife was induced; thus, labor progressed very quickly. Let me tell ya, it was the most intense 6 1/2 hrs of my life. After a couple of hours, she was having contractions that lasted at least 1 minute long and they were occurring no more than 2 minutes apart. I coached her with 2 different types of breathing techniques the entire time. You know, I'm by no means in any kind of shape (maybe pear shaped), but I do like to run a lot. In fact, the day before my son was born, I ran 5 miles at a pretty good pace because I wanted to get a good workout in before he came. However, no workout I've ever done had made my lungs hurt like doing those breathing techniques for 6 1/2 hours. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of pain my wife was in.

Another interesting thing from the daddy's perspective is the actual birthing of the child. I did everything I said over and over again that I wouldn't do. I watched him come out, I watched the placenta being delivered, and I cut the umbilical cord. My wife was in so much pain that I wanted to give her some hope that it will end soon; thus, I watched for the crowning of the head. Then I whispered in her ear, "I can see his head, and he has hair." I'll never forget the smile my wife had shining on her face at that moment. Well, there was also one doctor who delivered the baby, one nurse how charted, and one more nurse who helped coach the pushing. She also held one of my wife's legs up to help with the pushing. However, my wife, like most of us, has two legs...so I helped hold the other leg. So, in that position, you really cannot not watch. I don't regret it...it was facinating and scary at the same time. When he came out, they immediately layed him on my wife's chest, but it took him about 10 seconds to take his first breath. That was the longest 10 seconds of my life. But I will never forget the joy I felt when he let out that first cry. He was finally here! Eleven days overdue, but here nonetheless. Now after witnessing all that, might as well cut the cord, right? My only fear at that point was cutting the doc's fingers.

My favorite part of all was when the doctor layed him on my wife's chest immediately after emerging from the birth canal. It wasn't the little person that finally joined us or the precious first cry he wailed that facinated me so. Those things I will never forget, but it was the joy I saw on my wife's face that I will remember the most. My wife gave birth to a 9 lb 2 oz 21.5 in. long child without an epidural (and induced labor is much harder so I hear). I'll spare you from the details regarding the number he did on her body. Let me put it this way, she was patient at the hospital for 4 days after the birth. But despite all the pain she felt and despite the extreme fatigue she experienced, once that doctor laid our son upon her chest, you could see the joy fill her body and all that other stuff, you could tell, wasn't even an afterthought for her. That is exactly the kind of mother I want my son to have by his side.

Well, I've been a dad for a few days now, but it is still a little surreal for me. But I love that little guy so much. I once had a professor tell me that you can't love new born immediately. "It's impossible" he'd say, because you just met him. I say, "What a load of garbage." My wife and I have gotten to know this little guy for almost 9 1/2 long months. We fell in love with him a long time ago, but our love just went through the roof when we finally got to see and hold what we had been loving for so long. I am a bit nervous about this new journey, but I feel up to the challenges that await us as I know God will not allow us to experience more than we can bear. God is amazing! I don't believe childbirth is a miracle, but I do believe it is a testament to our all-knowing and all-powerful living God. God bless.

ScreamFree Parenting

2007-11-25T21:40:00.001-06:00

Greetings readers. This small segment is my plug for a fantastic parenting book - ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Runkel. Ever since I was an undergraduate in college, I have been intrigued by the parent-child relationship. Thus, while getting my Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy, I focused my interests in that field of study. I am now a therapist for youths and their families at a small non-profit organization in the city I live in. I have the privilege of working with adolescents and their parents on a day-to-day basis.

Through my education and experience in working with the parent-child relationship, I have been exposed to numerous parenting research, curriculums, and philosophical approaches. Books that I consider to be fairly descent are Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson, Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline & Jim Fay, and Raising the Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman. Although these are great reads that many moms and dads could find useful information, ScreamFree Parenting blows these out of the water by far in my opinion. However, I still consider Gottman's book as a semi-close second to Runkel's.

Runkel's approach to parenting is far different than anything I've ever seen. First of all he actually wrote a parenting book that is focused on parents and not children. So many books out there tend to put the focus on the children (e.g., how to get your child to behave or how to make your child happy), but his book is about how parents can change.....how by simply being cool, calm, and connected is your greatest parenting tool. But more importantly, throughout this curriculum/book, Hal reiterates the notion that parenting is NOT about a set of techniques to get your child to do this or that, but instead, parenting is about building relationships.......which is a concept that I feel has been lost in the parenting literature.

If you are a parent or hope to be a parent some day, I hope you check out ScreamFree Parenting. I have had the privilege of running parenting groups at my place of work using the ScreamFree Parenting video series curriculum. Thus, if you ever get the opportunity to attend a ScreamFree Parenting class, DON'T PASS IT UP! But if classes aren't being offered in your area, at least read the book. But be prepared to have your minds challenged as this approach goes against most of what society teaches or has taught about parenting. Also, if you are not planning on having children any time soon but could use a few pointers in your everyday relationships, this book might be what you are looking for as Hal's principles apply to many more than just the parent-child relationship. Anyways.........I hope you will check it out. Click on the blog title to take you to the website.

You Can't Make Me!!!

2007-11-12T14:11:00.000-06:00

"He made me angry." "She makes me happy." "[This or that] made me sad." "[This or that] makes me excited!" Do these phrases sound familiar? Do you happen to use these phrases or a version of these phrases in your everyday life? I think we are all guilty of verbalizing our emotions like this from time to time. However, when it comes to our emotions, if you think about it, no sole person or thing can make us feel anything. I know this is a hard concept to grasp as you might be able to think of a time when your interaction with someone specific influenced a particular emotion within you (e.g., anger, happiness). But influence is really all they did.

No one is in control of our emotions. Yes, that means even we are not in control of our own emotions. All we have control over our behavioral responses (i.e., our reactions to our emotions). Therefore, if even we aren't in control of our emotions, what makes us think someone else has control over them? And what kind of life would it be if our emotions were left up others to determine? And who would want the pressure of that responsibility? But that is what we communicate when we say things like, "You make me so angry!" Now that doesn't mean that we can't accurately predict what kind of emotion we'll experience in certain situations (e.g., anger/hurt when kids talk back, excitement/joy at sports events), but those situations don't determine the emotion as it is possible to experience a different emotion in the same situation. For example, one might typically experience excitement at a football game, but his/her emotion might be quite different if right before the game s/he found out an old friend is sick with cancer." Case in point, the football game doesn't soley determine the emotion, which brings me to my next point.

Life doesn't happen in a vacuum. There are so many other things that have gone on in our lives, and so many things that are currently going on in our lives that help determine our emotional response. So, all we can really say is that in a certain situation, I felt _________. For example: "When you accuse me, I feel/become angry" instead of "You make me angry when you accuse me." Another example: "I'm happy when I am with you" instead of "You make me happy." This may not seem like that big of a deal to you. You may be thinking "who cares how it is phrased?" Well, that is a great question! Almost everyone does. People don't want the responsibility of determining your emotions. When it comes to negative emotions (e.g., fear, anger, sadness), you often see people resisting that responsibility by getting defensive after you lay blame for that emotion on them. When it comes to positive emotions (e.g., happiness, joy, excitement), doesn't it just mean more to know that someone is, for instance, happy with you not because of you. Seriously, is it truly happiness if you made it happen? Nope! It is like telling someone to "be spontaneous right now." It can't be done.

Usually this topic influences lots of thoughts within people when I talk about it, and most at first have a hard time swallowing it. Thus, I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts. Take care and God bless.

Men Always Do Well (well...most of the time)

2007-08-28T22:25:00.000-05:00

When I was a sophomore at Oklahoma Christian, I will never forget an incident that occurred in one of my science classes. We had a very entertaining professor with the driest sense of humor you've ever heard. He did a great job creating entertaining slide shows and what not. One particular day during lecture, he had a slide show of pics he had taken of a trip he and his wife went on. Now his wife was a very cute blond with a very nice smile. After a picture of he and his lovely wife flashed up on the screen, a girl in class shocked us all with her brutal words. With a twinkle in her eye and a smirk on her face (okay, no twinkle), without time to think about what she was saying or how she was saying it, she blurted out, "How'd you get her?!"

This a very good question. And although it is often asked, I have yet to hear a good answer for it. Thus, today, I am going to attempt to do what know man has done before and provide an answer for this question.

Simply stated, men always do well, or most men do. Just flip on your TV and start watching. Popular programs like "According to Jim" and "Still Standing" accurately depict not-so-goodlooking men with stunning wives hanging on their arms.

Sure your George Clooneys, Tom Cruises, and Will Smiths are out their, but they are few and far between. Even ad agencies know this. When the best they can do is put Nic Cage's face on an advertisement, you know they are banking on people looking past his not-so-goodlookingness and seeing a celebrity with some hit movies (which could also be argued). When people like Woody Allen, DwightYokam, and Bruce Willis are heartthrobs of their day, you know women are not focusing on their looks. Now, if you are female, you might be saying to yourself, "Well, I think Bruce Willis is very good looking." No he is not." Men only want to be him because you all want him. And the reason women want him has nothing to do with his physical appearance. And women, don't let men fool you, they know who is and isn't good looking in their own specie...but, they'll never admit it to you. Aside from celebrities, if you just look around you you'll see what I am talking about. Most of us men are beer drinking (not me though), belly scratching, lent picking, girl crazy, gentlemen. And that my friends, the gentlemen part, is why we have gorgeous wives hanging on our arms. After all, our gorgeous wives are commonly known as the better halves. And I couldn't agree more. The problem is some men forget to utilize their gentle man quality.

This is merely my mixed up, slightly humorous theory about mysteries of heterosexual relationships. I would be interested in hearing your thoughts and opinions.

Isn't Narcolepsy Wonderful?

2007-03-08T13:41:00.000-06:00

Most of you that read my blog know I have narcolepsy. Therefore, most of you know I have to schedule naps in my day function well. And many of you know what happens when I don't do such a good job of nap-scheduling. Well, I was taking one of my scheduled naps today and had the most interesting dream.

"A guy (we'll call him Bob) I grew up with who is currently in prison, got released from prison and decided he wanted to reconnect with some old pals. Well in order to do so, he had to go through the proper legal channels. His attorney, Sam Elliot (dressed in rugged western clothes), decided to try to get Bob what he wanted by looking for loop holes in the law. Well, the Law & Order: SVU medical examiner found out and was upset because she was the one who give the 'okay' when it comes to dealing with parolees. Well, she and Sam have it out. But, after going through the right channels, Sam gets Bob in to see his friends. One of his long lost friends is yours truly and the other is another one of my childhood friends - we'll call her Tif. Well, Bob get all Sadomasochist in our reunion (no, Sam is no longer present) and threatens to jam a meat thermometer in my shoulder. A MEAT THERMOMETER! Oh yeah.... he was upset because I didn't think it was such a good idea for him to see Tif. So, liking my shoulder like it is, I decided to go against my gut and put Tif's life at stake. What a good pal I am. He grabs Tif....holding the meat thermometer in his hand, but jams it in his own leg...told ya - masochist. Freaked out, I grab Tif, light the place on fire and scram! Also, I a pretty sure I turned into someone else while making this heroic effort. But that doesn't matter - I saved her!"

You all may have had similar dreams before. So, I'll tell you why this is different for a narcoleptic. First, I was only asleep for about 10 minutes. As many of you are away, I cycle from awake to REM - no in-betweeners. When I kick back and my eyelids get heavy...I'm already dreaming. Therefore, this brings me to my second reason, I woke up feeling like all this really happened. Yep, I woke up feeling like a HERO! Save the childhood friend - save the world.

Check out the link to watch some cool narco vids.

Barking at Cats

2007-01-02T09:37:00.000-06:00

My lovely wife and I spent our Christmas holiday at her parents' in Arizona. In addition to hauling our luggage down, we also brought our 2 wonderful dogs with us. They loved it down there. However, if I could guess one frustration they might have experienced it probably had to do with my in-law's tabby cat. Oh they wanted to play with her so badly, but she would elevate herself on different structures to avoid potentially deadly interaction with our dogs. In response, the dogs would sit and bark at her. This really got my wheels turning. I asked myself, "Do these dogs really think their (semi)ferocious verbal outbursts will somehow convince this cat that they are no longer a threat to her well-being?" or "Maybe the cat will become so annoyed with the barking that she'll just give herself up to shut them up?" - HERE'S YOUR SIGN. I believe, in reality, the dogs, with their primitive minds, probably do believe they'll get what they want from that cat by barking at it. Thus, my first thought is, "Shut up you stupid dogs." Then, I realize I must be careful because we, humans, often do the same thing. For example, I have counseled (and witnessed) many married couples who get into these vicious arguments that involve name-calling, scorekeeping, nagging, so on and so forth. What do they think, that this behavior will actually get the other to think or do as they wish? The answer is "YES!" for the most part. The odd thing is that most of them have been doing this with each other for years; although it never worked, THEY STILL DO IT! Sounds a lot like the dog barking at the cat, huh?

Jerry Seinfeld has a great piece on this behavior. He refers to men whistling and yelling at women from construction sites, but he states that honking the car horn at a women is the last human brain cell working. He says what do we think will happen? Do we think she's going to kick off the heels and latch on to the bumper of a moving car? And when the car stops, do we think she'll walk over to us and say "I'm so glad you honked! I never knew how you felt." Very primitive behavior - just like dogs barking at cats.

As people, but especially as Christians, we have to stop acting so primitively as we relate to each other. In James 3, James actually alludes to the fact that our tongues are harder to tame than animals. I don't know if I like this notion... that in some ways we are worse than animals....but its true. We don't have an excuse. We actually have this part of our brain that animals don't have known as the neocortex - this is what makes us human. James challenges us to actually use this part in 1:19 - Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. When we are hurt, threatened, or misunderstood by others, as hard as it may be, we have to take a step back and consider these thoughts, "Will my next behavior reflect Christ? How can I respond in a way that increases my chances of advancing the Kingdom? Will my next action make a difference for this person? Will my next behavior make a difference for the Kingdom of God?"

Good luck and may God bless you in all of your relationships.

Not My Problem

2006-11-29T09:01:00.000-06:00

I apologize for not have written in a while. If you are like me and periodically check other's blogs, you probably feel a little disappointed when your blogger buddies do not have new entries. But there are others of you that are probably relieved as there is less for you to read that day.

Just to let you know my blog probably won't have much update in relation to what is going on in my life. My wife pretty much covers it in her blog - www.amandanichols.blogspot.com. Unless she has left something out or something spectacular happens to me alone, I more or less will attempt to challenge your maps with mine (see blog description for definition of "maps").

To address the title of this entry "Not my problem," I was having an interesting conversation with someone whom I consider to be very wise. As we were talking, he told me that when it comes to life's challenges, he lumps things in two categories - 1. Things that are his problem and 2. Things that aren't his problem. I found this to be very interesting. At first glance, this might sound cold or hardhearted. However, after further thought, it is reality. I believe we often overwhelm ourselves with the things we cannot control (i.e., things that aren't our problem). What we have to do is examine the stressful/challenging situation and determine "what about this situation do I have control over? What parts of this do I take responsibility for?" The parts we can't control, we have to let be. This is when it gets scary. We are such control freaks that we actually create the illusion that we are in control of the things we actually are not in control of; thus, our anxiety raises because our illusion is being challenged. In Matthew 6, Jesus asks if by worrying can one add a single second to his/her life? In reality, you might actually find that you are in control of very little (read Romans, particular chapter 8). God has set it up that way, because if we are the ones in control, we really have no need for God. A very wise woman (Mamaw) once said, "We often have it in our minds that we'll just help God out a little." This should be Webster's definition of "control freak."

Blogging Difficulties

2006-11-19T14:05:00.000-06:00

I am uploading a picture so I can use it as my profile picture. As technilogically advanced as we are these days, you'd think that blogger.com would make it easier to upload a pic, instead of having to use one from an existing website. Oh the frustrations. Well here it is, feel free to comment...but I am only doing this so I can use it as my profile pic.

Utopia Syndrome

2006-11-10T12:15:00.000-06:00

"The psychology of the unattainable necessitates that every actual fulfillment is experienced as a loss, as a profanation: for the devout Jew the political reality of the State of Israel is little more than the bana parody of an age-old, messianic longing; for the romantic lover who at long last conquers the beautiful woman, the reality of his victory is a far cry from what it was in his dreams. George Bernard Shaw put the same thought even more succintly and pessimistically: 'There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.'" - Watzlawick, P., Weeakland, J., & Fisch, R. (1974). Change. New York: W.W. Norton & Co., p. 50.

I thought this statement does a good job of illustrating the challenges we face as we strive to achieve our goals in life. We have in our mind an image of what things will look like when we meet our goals. Not achieving this goal is unacceptable. However, we often find that achieving this desire is unacceptable as well - because a "perfect world" is not what we find when we get there. For example, I was so excited when I recieved my Bachelor's degree from Oklahoma Christian. I was one of the few in my entire family to do so. Although it meant a lot, I literally chose that particular major to prepare me for my graduate studies - which had quickly become my heart's new desire. I did it! And everything happened the way I wanted it to. I got a good job, my family came up to celebrate this accomplishment, and I have nice diploma that says "Master of Science" hanging on my wall. I was living in Utopia. But that was short-lived. I often forget I have a master's and most of my friends and family probably don't think about it much either. When I meet new people and they hear about my education, they don't throw me parties and pop fireworks. Today, my degree is simply another milestone I had to cross to get the job and education I wanted. And with every accomplishment comes a variety of new challenges. But this is how I want it. I am content with the journey. I always want to have an adventure. I think people often get caught up in finding Utopia that they miss the journey or at least create a miserable one for themselves. We won't find Utopia; we won't discover perfection; and we won't find rest in this life. God has called us to be content as pilgrims in this life, not settlers. In the end, Utopia will be something He will willingly give to us, not something we discover on our own.

Blogging...I've been sucked in.

2006-11-07T21:36:00.000-06:00

Today I learned that creating a blog is a great alternative to working out. Yes, I had great intentions today to get back on a regular work out plan....didn't happen. Instead I decided to spend 2 hours creating a blog. I realized that thi s is Satan working in my life for during these 2 hours, I didn't even manage to insert a profile picture. I spent 15 minutes deciding what font to use!!! Well, at least I haven't been tempted with food as I haven't thought about eating the entire time....well....scratch that. Satan is a sly devil.