ScreamFree Parenting

Greetings readers. This small segment is my plug for a fantastic parenting book - ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Runkel. Ever since I was an undergraduate in college, I have been intrigued by the parent-child relationship. Thus, while getting my Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy, I focused my interests in that field of study. I am now a therapist for youths and their families at a small non-profit organization in the city I live in. I have the privilege of working with adolescents and their parents on a day-to-day basis.

Through my education and experience in working with the parent-child relationship, I have been exposed to numerous parenting research, curriculums, and philosophical approaches. Books that I consider to be fairly descent are Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson, Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline & Jim Fay, and Raising the Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman. Although these are great reads that many moms and dads could find useful information, ScreamFree Parenting blows these out of the water by far in my opinion. However, I still consider Gottman's book as a semi-close second to Runkel's.

Runkel's approach to parenting is far different than anything I've ever seen. First of all he actually wrote a parenting book that is focused on parents and not children. So many books out there tend to put the focus on the children (e.g., how to get your child to behave or how to make your child happy), but his book is about how parents can change.....how by simply being cool, calm, and connected is your greatest parenting tool. But more importantly, throughout this curriculum/book, Hal reiterates the notion that parenting is NOT about a set of techniques to get your child to do this or that, but instead, parenting is about building relationships.......which is a concept that I feel has been lost in the parenting literature.

If you are a parent or hope to be a parent some day, I hope you check out ScreamFree Parenting. I have had the privilege of running parenting groups at my place of work using the ScreamFree Parenting video series curriculum. Thus, if you ever get the opportunity to attend a ScreamFree Parenting class, DON'T PASS IT UP! But if classes aren't being offered in your area, at least read the book. But be prepared to have your minds challenged as this approach goes against most of what society teaches or has taught about parenting. Also, if you are not planning on having children any time soon but could use a few pointers in your everyday relationships, this book might be what you are looking for as Hal's principles apply to many more than just the parent-child relationship. Anyways.........I hope you will check it out. Click on the blog title to take you to the website.

You Can't Make Me!!!

"He made me angry." "She makes me happy." "[This or that] made me sad." "[This or that] makes me excited!" Do these phrases sound familiar? Do you happen to use these phrases or a version of these phrases in your everyday life? I think we are all guilty of verbalizing our emotions like this from time to time. However, when it comes to our emotions, if you think about it, no sole person or thing can make us feel anything. I know this is a hard concept to grasp as you might be able to think of a time when your interaction with someone specific influenced a particular emotion within you (e.g., anger, happiness). But influence is really all they did.

No one is in control of our emotions. Yes, that means even we are not in control of our own emotions. All we have control over our behavioral responses (i.e., our reactions to our emotions). Therefore, if even we aren't in control of our emotions, what makes us think someone else has control over them? And what kind of life would it be if our emotions were left up others to determine? And who would want the pressure of that responsibility? But that is what we communicate when we say things like, "You make me so angry!" Now that doesn't mean that we can't accurately predict what kind of emotion we'll experience in certain situations (e.g., anger/hurt when kids talk back, excitement/joy at sports events), but those situations don't determine the emotion as it is possible to experience a different emotion in the same situation. For example, one might typically experience excitement at a football game, but his/her emotion might be quite different if right before the game s/he found out an old friend is sick with cancer." Case in point, the football game doesn't soley determine the emotion, which brings me to my next point.

Life doesn't happen in a vacuum. There are so many other things that have gone on in our lives, and so many things that are currently going on in our lives that help determine our emotional response. So, all we can really say is that in a certain situation, I felt _________. For example: "When you accuse me, I feel/become angry" instead of "You make me angry when you accuse me." Another example: "I'm happy when I am with you" instead of "You make me happy." This may not seem like that big of a deal to you. You may be thinking "who cares how it is phrased?" Well, that is a great question! Almost everyone does. People don't want the responsibility of determining your emotions. When it comes to negative emotions (e.g., fear, anger, sadness), you often see people resisting that responsibility by getting defensive after you lay blame for that emotion on them. When it comes to positive emotions (e.g., happiness, joy, excitement), doesn't it just mean more to know that someone is, for instance, happy with you not because of you. Seriously, is it truly happiness if you made it happen? Nope! It is like telling someone to "be spontaneous right now." It can't be done.

Usually this topic influences lots of thoughts within people when I talk about it, and most at first have a hard time swallowing it. Thus, I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts. Take care and God bless.

Men Always Do Well (well...most of the time)

When I was a sophomore at Oklahoma Christian, I will never forget an incident that occurred in one of my science classes. We had a very entertaining professor with the driest sense of humor you've ever heard. He did a great job creating entertaining slide shows and what not. One particular day during lecture, he had a slide show of pics he had taken of a trip he and his wife went on. Now his wife was a very cute blond with a very nice smile. After a picture of he and his lovely wife flashed up on the screen, a girl in class shocked us all with her brutal words. With a twinkle in her eye and a smirk on her face (okay, no twinkle), without time to think about what she was saying or how she was saying it, she blurted out, "How'd you get her?!"

This a very good question. And although it is often asked, I have yet to hear a good answer for it. Thus, today, I am going to attempt to do what know man has done before and provide an answer for this question.

Simply stated, men always do well, or most men do. Just flip on your TV and start watching. Popular programs like "According to Jim" and "Still Standing" accurately depict not-so-goodlooking men with stunning wives hanging on their arms.

Sure your George Clooneys, Tom Cruises, and Will Smiths are out their, but they are few and far between. Even ad agencies know this. When the best they can do is put Nic Cage's face on an advertisement, you know they are banking on people looking past his not-so-goodlookingness and seeing a celebrity with some hit movies (which could also be argued). When people like Woody Allen, DwightYokam, and Bruce Willis are heartthrobs of their day, you know women are not focusing on their looks. Now, if you are female, you might be saying to yourself, "Well, I think Bruce Willis is very good looking." No he is not." Men only want to be him because you all want him. And the reason women want him has nothing to do with his physical appearance. And women, don't let men fool you, they know who is and isn't good looking in their own specie...but, they'll never admit it to you. Aside from celebrities, if you just look around you you'll see what I am talking about. Most of us men are beer drinking (not me though), belly scratching, lent picking, girl crazy, gentlemen. And that my friends, the gentlemen part, is why we have gorgeous wives hanging on our arms. After all, our gorgeous wives are commonly known as the better halves. And I couldn't agree more. The problem is some men forget to utilize their gentle man quality.

This is merely my mixed up, slightly humorous theory about mysteries of heterosexual relationships. I would be interested in hearing your thoughts and opinions.

Isn't Narcolepsy Wonderful?

Most of you that read my blog know I have narcolepsy. Therefore, most of you know I have to schedule naps in my day function well. And many of you know what happens when I don't do such a good job of nap-scheduling. Well, I was taking one of my scheduled naps today and had the most interesting dream.

"A guy (we'll call him Bob) I grew up with who is currently in prison, got released from prison and decided he wanted to reconnect with some old pals. Well in order to do so, he had to go through the proper legal channels. His attorney, Sam Elliot (dressed in rugged western clothes), decided to try to get Bob what he wanted by looking for loop holes in the law. Well, the Law & Order: SVU medical examiner found out and was upset because she was the one who give the 'okay' when it comes to dealing with parolees. Well, she and Sam have it out. But, after going through the right channels, Sam gets Bob in to see his friends. One of his long lost friends is yours truly and the other is another one of my childhood friends - we'll call her Tif. Well, Bob get all Sadomasochist in our reunion (no, Sam is no longer present) and threatens to jam a meat thermometer in my shoulder. A MEAT THERMOMETER! Oh yeah.... he was upset because I didn't think it was such a good idea for him to see Tif. So, liking my shoulder like it is, I decided to go against my gut and put Tif's life at stake. What a good pal I am. He grabs Tif....holding the meat thermometer in his hand, but jams it in his own leg...told ya - masochist. Freaked out, I grab Tif, light the place on fire and scram! Also, I a pretty sure I turned into someone else while making this heroic effort. But that doesn't matter - I saved her!"

You all may have had similar dreams before. So, I'll tell you why this is different for a narcoleptic. First, I was only asleep for about 10 minutes. As many of you are away, I cycle from awake to REM - no in-betweeners. When I kick back and my eyelids get heavy...I'm already dreaming. Therefore, this brings me to my second reason, I woke up feeling like all this really happened. Yep, I woke up feeling like a HERO! Save the childhood friend - save the world.

Check out the link to watch some cool narco vids.

Barking at Cats

My lovely wife and I spent our Christmas holiday at her parents' in Arizona. In addition to hauling our luggage down, we also brought our 2 wonderful dogs with us. They loved it down there. However, if I could guess one frustration they might have experienced it probably had to do with my in-law's tabby cat. Oh they wanted to play with her so badly, but she would elevate herself on different structures to avoid potentially deadly interaction with our dogs. In response, the dogs would sit and bark at her. This really got my wheels turning. I asked myself, "Do these dogs really think their (semi)ferocious verbal outbursts will somehow convince this cat that they are no longer a threat to her well-being?" or "Maybe the cat will become so annoyed with the barking that she'll just give herself up to shut them up?" - HERE'S YOUR SIGN. I believe, in reality, the dogs, with their primitive minds, probably do believe they'll get what they want from that cat by barking at it. Thus, my first thought is, "Shut up you stupid dogs." Then, I realize I must be careful because we, humans, often do the same thing. For example, I have counseled (and witnessed) many married couples who get into these vicious arguments that involve name-calling, scorekeeping, nagging, so on and so forth. What do they think, that this behavior will actually get the other to think or do as they wish? The answer is "YES!" for the most part. The odd thing is that most of them have been doing this with each other for years; although it never worked, THEY STILL DO IT! Sounds a lot like the dog barking at the cat, huh?

Jerry Seinfeld has a great piece on this behavior. He refers to men whistling and yelling at women from construction sites, but he states that honking the car horn at a women is the last human brain cell working. He says what do we think will happen? Do we think she's going to kick off the heels and latch on to the bumper of a moving car? And when the car stops, do we think she'll walk over to us and say "I'm so glad you honked! I never knew how you felt." Very primitive behavior - just like dogs barking at cats.

As people, but especially as Christians, we have to stop acting so primitively as we relate to each other. In James 3, James actually alludes to the fact that our tongues are harder to tame than animals. I don't know if I like this notion... that in some ways we are worse than animals....but its true. We don't have an excuse. We actually have this part of our brain that animals don't have known as the neocortex - this is what makes us human. James challenges us to actually use this part in 1:19 - Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. When we are hurt, threatened, or misunderstood by others, as hard as it may be, we have to take a step back and consider these thoughts, "Will my next behavior reflect Christ? How can I respond in a way that increases my chances of advancing the Kingdom? Will my next action make a difference for this person? Will my next behavior make a difference for the Kingdom of God?"

Good luck and may God bless you in all of your relationships.