Inspiration in Kansas.....Who Would've Guessed?

I just returned from a wedding in Wichita, Kansas. What a wonderful experience! Watching two people start their lives together.....just awesome, right? Well, that was pretty cool too, but the wedding in itself was not the reason I had such a great time. It was something else.

You know...when I met my wife, I had no idea the blessings the Lord had in store for me. I mean, I felt blessed to have the family I was born into, but I had no idea that I would marry into one equally as great. First, he blesses me with an amazing wife, so you can imagine my surprise when I discover what wonderful mother and father-in-law I inherited. So, I'm thinking, "Wow. This is awesome, but the greatness has to stop somewhere, right? Her family has got to be whack jobs or something." I was wrong. The blessing of family continued and still does to this day.

So, why did I enjoy the wedding so much you might ask? Because of all the wonderful people in my wife's family that were all brought together. So much joy emanates from this family one can't help but to feel the love. The genuineness, honesty, and humility of this family is so attractive that saying goodbye seems to be a tedious and draining task. Think about it. When we are attracted to something, we are are drawn to it. It actually takes effort to break away. I can't think of how many necks I hugged and goodbyes were exchanged today. And I'm sure that I doubled up on more than one person. Again, it is tiring saying goodbye to something so great.

So now I find myself at home feeling sad.....but the good kind of sad. The kind of sad that helps you remember that there are still things in this world that are good and pure. That there are people that love with the love of the Lord.....and they are looking forward to reuniting with you as much as you with them. In addition to my sadness, I feel inspired. God gave me exactly what I needed this weekend. Being with my wife's family inspires me to be a better person....a better Christian. It's not that I feel like I have distanced myself from God. But, we all have room to grow. I was definitely nourished this weekend. I thank God for the continuous blessings reigned down on me through marriage that began almost 10 yrs ago when I saw a beautiful 18 yr old girl sitting across from me at a college devotional. Her name was Amanda and she would soon become my wife.

Be Still and Know

I have a short story to tell about an experience I had at my son's daycare. I showed up around noon to my son's daycare to document my son's very first Easter egg hunt. I was about 30 minutes early, so I just stood around and watched the kids play to kill time. My attention had turned to my son's play (as it often does), when I heard "Hey!" I turned my head toward the voice when I saw a 4 yr old boy staring intently at me. He then proceeded to say, "What are you looking at?" Trying my best NOT to say mockingly "What are you looking at?", I simply said, "My son." He said, "Oh," and continued on with what he was doing. A few minutes later, I hear, once again, "Hey." When I turned toward the familair voice, I saw the same little boy, once again, staring intently at me. Once he knew he had my attention, he asked in his best bad cop voice, "Are you looking at your son again?" Chuckling, I said, "Yes. Yes I am." He then ran over to my son and began to play with him. After a moment or two, my son looked up at this youngin and relayed to him a brief baby-talk monologue. This young boy looked up at me with a confused look and I said, "He's been talking more and more lately." Then this boy said to me, "Yeah, but I can't understand a single word he says."

A few minutes later, I sat down at a table and this little boy decided to engage me in conversation. I'm not sure how we got on the subject, but I found myself explaining to this young inquisitive soul that my son goes by his middle name because he and I share a first name. The little boy cuts his eyes up and to the right. I could just see the wheels turning as I anticipated his response. Just when I thought he couldn't surprise me again, he asked me this ingenious question: Why did your mom name you the same name as your son? Interestingly enough, I could NOT come up with a decent answer. Therefore, I simply stated while half laughing, "That is a good question." That answer seemed to suffice for this small child.

I love this story because it reminds me of how sweet, pure, and innocent children are. It helps me realize what Jesus was talking about when he said that we must become like children in order to enter the kingdom of God (Mark 10:13-15). I think we often get caught up in this busy life that we often ignore or get annoyed when we have experiences like this one. We need to work hard to take the time to be still and listen when we encounter a small child......... God just might be speaking to us through them.

Buying a House.....A Spiritual Journey

Well, it has been a while since I have written on my blog, but I have good reason for that. My wife and I recently sold our house in Stillwater and have successfully relocated in the metro area. The images are just for viewing pleasure to illustrate how God has blessed me with an awesome wife and child aside from material possessions. This is the first time my wife and I had to sell a home in one city and buy a home in another. I look back on this experience and feel somewhat guilty, because God truly blessed me and my family in this process. I think Jesus would have told me on a daily basis for a month straight the words he uttered on a mountainside to crowds from Galilee, the Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan, as found in Mt. 6:30.......c'mon, say it with me, "Oh, you of little faith." In the moment, sometimes we can't help to stress. That is why we have to take a step back and look at what is going on. In the church, we often call this a retreat. A retreat doesn't have to be an activity-filled event scheduled by a minister that last for days and costs an arm and a leg. We can take daily retreats in the form of journaling, prayer, reading and reflection, and many others. And we can do it in the comfort of our own home.

As I reflect upon this experience, I can see how much God was working. I couldn't see it at the time because I was too consumed with helping God out....what a joke. I think it's kinda funny that He allowed me to think that I was the one actually taking care of things. I'm thankful God isn't emotionally reactive or we'd all be looking over our shoulder. So....while I was stressing out on the phone with realtors, bankers, handymen, and running errand after errand....God was busy working for me and my family. I've often caught myself saying that "everything just fell into place." I'm sorely mistaken. Things didn't just fall into place....God put things in place exactly where he wanted them to be.

He began by giving us a realtor that worked very hard to sell our home. While the home next door sat without any showings for months, our home showed the very first day on the market and 5 times total. We had an offer made on the house one day shy of 3 weeks. And better yet, the young man was a college student and wanted to close near the end of the semester, which gave us plenty of time to look for a home to buy. Later we found out that neither this college student nor his mother ever saw the home in person, but just looked at pictures on the web. And to put the cherry on top, we walked away with enough equity to put a nice, conservative down payment on our new home (note: we'd only lived in this house for almost 4.5 yrs). With the economy in the shape it is in right now, one can't ask for better results. God is so good.

So, my wife and I spent a weekend looking at homes in the metro area. God blessed us with another great realtor. I'm not sure, but I think our price range was way below than her normal clientele. But, she never said a word about it....she dug up several homes for us to go see and drove my wife and I and our 10 month old son (at that time) around all day on Saturday and half day on Sunday looking at homes. The 2nd house she showed us had just been on the market 5 days. She said it didn't appear to be what we were looking for (note: there was no pictures at all on the web), but since it was in the area, she thought we'd go take a look. We bought that house. (Click the link to see video from my wife's blog). And to make things better, they accepted our 1st offer. And to add the cherry on top, they agreed to close on the same day we were closing in Stillwater. God is so good.

Now comes the truck rental. I went with Budget, which I'd highly recommend. They were over $200 cheaper than U-Haul, and they gave us an extra day for FREE. We had about 7 men from our church show up on a cold Sunday afternoon to help us load. We closed in Stillwater on the following Monday morning with no problems whatsoever and then closed in the metro area that afternoon....again, flawless. We unloaded our truck in the dark, but knocked in out in a matter of a couple of hours because so many of our wonderful friends and family showed up to help. I even had a friend and his wife drive my truck down from Stillwater, with her finals coming up and a dissertation defense for him. God is so good.

I know this was a lengthy entry, but I really wanted to share this experience.....I even left some things out. My next/current spiritual journey?.....going into private practice. WooHoo! I'm excited and nervous, but am confident that I probably will try to help God out again. He'll let me amuse him for a while, then he will show me reality....that He is the one that is truly faithful. He's so good...to....me.

Prejudices...we all have'em

I want to use the blog entry to post my thoughts on a controversial topic - racism and our role in it. This is part one of two entries. I hope these entries will challenge you to take a good look at yourself in order that you might determine wherein lies your prejudices so that you might be able to better overcome them. Let me start with an assumption. I assume that we all have prejudices when it comes to race. The American Heritage Dictionary defines prejudice as an adverse judgment or opinion formed beforehand or without knowledge or examination of the facts. This doesn't mean I think everyone is a racist or a bigot. I just believe that all people in all ethnicities, including myself, have beliefs about others belonging to different ethnicities that would classify as stereotypical, which means we have formed them based on biased information (e.g., our personal experiences; what I was raised to believe; etc.), not the facts. Now many of you might not be able to articulate your beliefs on this issue without some serious thought. However, despite whether you are aware or unaware of your own prejudices, these preconceived opinions, which were probably unfairly and inappropriately formed, your interactions with others. Look how the disciples acted when they found Jesus (a Jew) - the Lion of Judah, God in the flesh, their Savior - conversing with a 4-time divorced, adulterous, Samaritan woman. They were appalled. Samaritans were seen as worse than dogs by the Jews. Additionally, Jewish men didn't speak to women in public. Based on what they had been taught, they had every right to question Jesus' behavior. But it was Jesus' behavior that showed them the right way. And because of Jesus' socially unacceptable efforts, many Samaritans accepted the living water Jesus offered.

I think the reason we struggle with this so much is because gathering the facts is a lot easier said than done. In fact, one can never have all the facts. Therefore, we rely on our own experiences or experiences of others (i.e., 2nd, 3rd, 4th-hand "knowledge" - ignorance might be a better term here) because it is just easier. It is easier because there is no mental/cognitive/intellectual/perceptual challenge. Because when our perspective is challenged, that means we might have to rethink how we believe about something. If we convince ourselves we have been believing the wrong way all along, then we have to change. And if we change, we run the risk of stirring the pot. And changing your mind on an issue so controversial, often means relationships change. It means you automatically put yourself at the receiving end of ridicule and persecution. Some relationships will simply be altered and adjustment will come easily. On the other hand, other relationships will be damaged and friendships will be lost. For instance, after I became aware of some of my prejudices, all of sudden, racist jokes became appalling to me. So when someone close to me cracks one, I am torn because I want to laugh in order to avoid an awkward situation, but at the same time, I really wouldn't be acting with integrity if I did laugh. So, I sometimes feel I am being judged by my behavior, which is influenced by my perspective change regarding this matter. It would have been easier for me to just maintain the status quo. No challenge. No change.

Most of us grow up being inadvertently taught these ignorant, biased opinions by our parents and family members, whether by word or deed. I am sure one fine day my own son will be challenged by something on this matter and realize what he believes is wrong....he'll realize that, out of my ignorance, I unintentionally taught him something inappropriate about a particular race or ethnic group. I hope these realizations will be minimal for him though. I said all that so you might see that I am empathetic when it comes to changing your worldview on an issue like race. It is an issue that everyone faces; no one can escape it. Hebrews 5:13-14 states, "Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." I think our prejudiced beliefs are the milk, so if we want to grow, we've got to give up the milk and start looking for the solid food. I believe it is our responsibility to put our biases aside and gather more facts, even though we know we could never attain them all.

I have more to say on the matter, but I would like you to chew on these thoughts first. Be looking for part 2 in the near future. Take care and I look forward to reading your thoughts.

Burdens or Blessings?

You ever have one of those days where nothing goes right? Or maybe, it lasts beyond a 24 hour period to a week...a month...or even a year or longer. A couple of years ago, my wife and I got a long hard dose of this experience. Let me take you back to when it all began, Memorial Day Weekend 2005, early Saturday morning at my dad's house. My wife and I had loaded up our luggage, including our one and a half year old Brittany Spaniel and Sharpei-Lab mix, and we headed west toward my mom's house, which was about 15 miles away. I had the lame brain idea of letting our Brittany ride in the bed of the pickup, after all, our Blue Heelers did it all time growing up; plus, I reassured my wife I'd drive slowly. Well, that didn't stop him from breaking his leg as he crashed down on the pavement a few miles from my dad's place. This incident resulted in several pricey vet visits, including once surgery and weeks of recovery. It was a long 10 weeks. To add to the excitement, we also discovered our home had a horrible gas leak, and tree fell over in our yard and took with it some sort of power lines. But to put the cherry on top, one day my wife and I noticed our other dog was walking funny. We took her to the vet only to discover she had the worse case of hip displasia the vet had ever seen in a dog that young....and it was in both hips. Yep, you guessed, two more surgeries. Now, I know many of you (assuming many people read this blog) have the same thought as my dad and brother, "It's a dog. Just get a new one." But, if you love dogs like my wife and I, you'd understand. I said all that, simply to say, we had a bad year. Lots of unforeseen expenses.

Well, the Lord saw us through and provided as He always does. When the "crisis" is over, I am quite ashamed at my little faith. So it has been a couple years since this series of unfortunate events, but my wife and I come full circle. Lately it seems that there is one thing to do after another, and it always cost money. And on top of that, my wife is transitioning from graduate school to her new job, which means at least 1 month without pay. OUCH! As some of you know, my wife recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in January. So, I don't know if this expense counts as it is something most new parents experience. There are diapers, doctor's visits, hospital bills, child care, and much much more. But let me list some other things that have occurred since January. My wife informed me she was in dire need of new clothes. Now, this was something we couldn't foresee. The maternity clothes were too big, but her pre-pregnancy clothes were still too small. No big deal. But what surprised me the most were her shoes. I couldn't believe she went so long without buying new ones. They were in such pathetic condition, we couldn't even donate them. A homeless person wouldn't even want these shoes. So we bought her new shoes. Well, I too needed new shoes. But not just tennis shoes, but also dress shoes. Let me move on to our vehicles. Not only have I knocked off the spoiler and tore off some molding on our fairly new Toyota Matrix, but recently my wife pull up over a curb while parking. We traded vehicles that day and when I backed it out, it almost tore the entire front end off. So we'll have to get that fixed. Then, the other day, I went out to my pickup and it wouldn't start....the battery was dead. So, I had to go spend almost a hundred bucks on a new battery this weekend. On top of that we keep getting medical bills that we thought we had paid off. But, again, to add the cherry on top, our kitchen cabinets fell off the wall the other day. I chuckle in disbelief when I think about it. So, I have a guy coming out to give me an estimate on that. Additionally, we are planning on moving in a few months, and the house needs a little lift before we sell.

I said all that to share with you this thought. Early one morning, I was sitting on my Oklahoma State University park bench in my front yard with my son. It was such a beautiful morning. My son was calm and content, so I decided to send up a little prayer to God. As I was praying, I guess the Holy Spirit moved me thank God for all the blessings he has given us - the house, the cars, the dogs, my wife, my son, etc. These are the blessing I have often found myself complaining about. I realized that God has blessed me with so much, that it is hard sometimes giving those blessing their due attention in order take care of them. Ironically, I still pray for more. That particular morning, I found a new appreciation and outlook regarding my "burdens." These kinds of burdens are simply a reminder to me that I am blessed beyond what I deserve. God is Good.

What's Your Motivation?

I was real proud of myself the other day. I ran a 7 minute mile on the treadmill and 2 miles in 14 minutes 13 seconds. That was heavy hauling for me...my lungs hurt all day. I started running and lifting weights when I began college almost 10 years ago. I've gotten more serious about in the past year or two, but it has been something important to me nonetheless. Here recently, my wife and I have added healthy eating to our lifestyle. We do this because we respect ourselves; thus, we want to keep our bodies, minds, and souls healthy. Not to say we don't struggle with self-hatred/dislike from time to time, but for the most part, we try hard to take care of what God has given us.

It wasn't always this way for me. My motivation for working out, dieting, etc., was my dislike of self whereas now I do it out of self-respect. But, as I already mentioned, the self-hatred motivation is still something I struggle with from time to time. This clip from Scrubs might ring true for many of you that have decided to start a regular work out routine or join a dieting program. But there is a big problem with self-hatred being our motivation for bettering ourselves. If we are successful in our efforts to better ourselves, then we begin to no longer dislike ourselves; therefore, we lose our motivation. Sometimes we even sabotage our efforts (e.g., binging, giving up-starting over pattern) because in order to continue with the program, we have to hate/dislike ourselves, because that, afterall, is our motivation. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, says that often people have such poor self-image that they decide to join a dieting program, but then end up more miserable than before because now they have given up the only thing in their life that influences happiness - food. Therefore, we need to shift our thinking. We need to start loving and respecting ourselves so that when we choose to exercise or not eat this or that or take some time for prayer and meditation, it is being motivated by our self-love, not self-hatred. Pauls says in Ephesians 5:29, "After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church..." Boy do we need to get our minds back on that line of thinking.

In Memory of Dr. Kathleen Briggs

On May 21st of this year at 4 a.m., Dr. Kathleen Briggs lost her battle with breast cancer, which began 10 years ago this April. Although I only knew Dr. Briggs (or Kathleen, as she liked most of her graduate students and colleagues to call her) for a short period of time, she had a lasting impact on me as a marital and family therapist and as a person.

I first met Kathleen back in 2002 when I was looking into graduate school at Oklahoma State University. She was the first of the marriage and family therapy (MFT) professors I met. I can remember the zeal and passion she had toward this field. All I remember thinking is, "if she is part of this graduate program, well, this is where I want to be." Later, I was invited to join the 2003 MFT cohort at OSU. You can imagine the disappointment I felt when I discovered that Kathleen wasn't a main part of the MFT program as she took the position as department head. She still seemed to stay connected in various ways, but we, graduate students, rarely saw her in the classroom or clinic. Well, I wasn't about to be deprived of the Kathleen Briggs experience, so I took it upon myself to stop by her office and visit with her as often as I could. As busy as she was as department head, she always seemed to make time to visit with me when I stopped by. I remember one particular time I was contemplating buying a PDA (i.e., pocket pc). I knew she had one, so I stopped by to briefly ask her about it. She dropped what she was doing and spent 30 minutes showing me how it all worked. She even offered to let me borrow hers for a while longer so I could see if that kind of device would best serve my interests. She was such a fabulous person.

The biggest impact Kathleen had on me pertained to how she approached life. I didn't know her before she was diagnosed with cancer, so I can't speak to how her battle with it influenced her perspective on life. However, I do feel like I have a good sense of how she approached life as someone battling with cancer. I've often caught myself describing Kathleen to others as a "machine." It just seemed that she wouldn't let anything bring her down and keep her from living life to the fullest. I'm sure she has had her moments of struggle that she probably revealed to her closest friends and family. But, for the most part, Kathleen stayed positive and determined. I did my internship at a cancer center and I have seen firsthand all the chemicals that get pumped directly into one's veins in effort to battle the cancer. Most of us in the MFT program knew if the cancer had returned; therefore, we knew Kathleen would be receiving chemotherapy. It was always phenomenal to me to know Kathleen was going through something so physically and mentally draining and yet see her in such high spirits. I remember thinking that I hope someday when I stare death in the face, I could stand strong and determined; and know that even if death prevails, I won't go down without putting up one heck of fight. There have been only two people in my life that have had that kind of impact on me, and Kathleen is one of them.

Thank you, Kathleen, for your life that you shared with me. To all who read this, Kathleen was a big supporter of cancer research. And although we have come along way in the search for a cure in the last two decades, there is still much work to be done. The American Cancer Society (http://www.cancer.org/) and the Komen Foundation (http://www.komen.org/) are just a couple of places you can make donations in the effort to find a cure. God bless you all.

What Would You Do If.....

Please make note that the following entry is a reflection of the many thoughts and challenges that I took away from this book. I, by no means, am suggesting that Yoder's position is the correct one and all other positions are sinful. I, myself, do not adhere totally to Yoder's position, but he does offer some thoughts that are worth thinking about.

What would you do if you were watching a loved one being attacked and you had a loaded gun in your hand? What would you do if someone broke into your house late at night and you had a loaded gun ready and available on your night stand? These are type of hypothetical situations that are discussed in this book. It is a short read and although I don't agree with all the thoughts and theories, I believe it will challenge your mind and I hope it will challenge your faith as well.

My wife and I are involved in small group bible study at our church. We had finished our curriculum a few weeks early; thus, our group decided we would watch a movie together one week and have a bible study pertaining to the movie the next week. We watched the fabulous movie called "End of the Spear," which is a true story about a group of men who gave their lives in effort to bring the gospel message to a very very violent indigenous tribe, known as the Waodoni. Toward the beginning of the movie, after being asked by his son if he would shoot the Waodani if they attacked, one man stated, "We can't shoot the Waodani. The Waodani aren't ready for heaven, we are." He was one of 5 men who was murdered that day by the Waodani tribe. They fired the weapons in the air to try to scare the tribesmen, but they never fired upon them. You'll have to watch the movie to get the rest of the story, but needless to say, the sacrifice of those 5 lives payed off in the end.

What I took away from Yoder's book is that we need to have the mentality of the man in this movie in every situation. God commands us to love our enemies (Luke 6:27-28). God doesn't say to love our enemies, but not if they are threatening your life or the life of a loved one. God doesn't say to love your enemies, but love your Christian brother more. He simply says to love your enemies. BUT, loving our enemies doesn't mean to do nothing in the face of evil. We need to be proactive. The problem is that when we run these hypothetical situations through our brains, we often conclude that "I will kill if I have to." Thus, if something like an attack upon a loved one did occur, we have already narrowed our options down to (1) kill or (2) be killed. Jesus teaches and demonstrates that there are always more options. When faced with life-threatened situations, Jesus didn't call down fire from heaven to eliminate the threat. He took a risk, like in the story of the woman caught in adultery, when he said "He who has not sinned cast the first stone" (see John 8:2-11). Boy....I wonder what was going through that woman's head. I mean, in a way, Jesus just gave those people permission to stone her to death. It was a risk; but it was worth taking in order to try to make a difference, and it did. Yoder puts forth the notion that we need to be convicted to not use physical violence as a means for defense so that our minds are allowed to explore other possibilities. So we can try to determine what will be the difference that will make the biggest difference. However, I, like many of you, don't know if my faith is strong enough to take that kind of risk; but, I am not yet convinced that we are expected to think and behave in such a way when lives are being threatened. I don't think any of us can say without a doubt what we would do in any given situation; however, my hope is that we are convicted enough and have a strong enough faith to act as Christ would have wanted us to. Here's some lingering questions that I do not have the answers to: In a life-threatening situation, can Christ instinctively be your best defense and/or offense? Can you have a mind of evangelism in any and all situations? Can you remember that your "enemies" might not be ready for heaven yet?

This is a controversial topic, I know, especially when you consider Romans 13 (Dr. Chip Kooi offers some theological knowlege regarding Romans 13 on his blog - http://cosmictherapy.blogspot.com/2008/02/pacifism-and-romans-13.html) but it is one that I think needs to be thought about and pondered over by all of us. I do not consider myself a pacifist by no means. In a crisis situation, I still think I would choose to protect my heavenbound family for several different reasons (many of which I consider divine/biblical) rather than protect the assumed lost one who is posing the threat. Even though this book didn't convert me to pacifism, I still think I benefitted from the challenging thoughts within it. I'd recommend that all Christians read it because you will develop a stronger stance, whether it changes or stays the same.

Note: The title of this entry links you to this book on amazon.com.

The Joys of Technology

This entry was inspired by my 6 yr old niece, whose story I tell in the 3rd paragraph (not counting this one).

If you are like me, then you appreciate the use of technology. I love my little techno-toys. Between my wife and I, we have a desktop computer, a laptop (tablet pc), a pocket pc, an IPOD, and more. And to add to all that, I am currently looking into getting a blackberry. Just to let you know how much I enjoy these technological advances, I sometimes stress out at the thought that I know there are programs and other things on my computer or pocket pc that I don't know how to use. However, I am not so bad that I am losing sleep or giving up excessive amounts of time to play with my gadgets. But I enjoy them nonetheless.

I also take pleasure in hearing stories from old timers who had to make it though life without the same level of technology we have today. Specifically, I hear the most about how people functioned without the internet. People actually did research in libraries and used the dewy decimal system, whatever that may be. Now, we have what we are looking for at the click of a button. I am old enough now to see differences between then and now. My stories look something like this, "I remember when we made it though life with one cell phone," or "Remember when it took a few seconds to get from one website to another? Now it's instantaneous with high speed internet," or "I remember when most of my friends didn't even have a computer in their home." I know this is silly to an older person, but it is still weird for me to see these changes happen so fast. Mind you I am only 28 years old.

I had an eye-opening experience the other day that spoke to the rapid advancement of technology in our society. My 6 year old niece came to visit a couple of weeks ago. I bribed her to go to Wal-Mart with me by offering to buy her some gum (she ended up getting an OSU snowglobe ...I'm a sucker, I know). We hopped in my Ford F-150 XL single cab. Although I love my truck, there is nothing special about it. It is the basic of the basics. It is a stick-shift with no power locks or windows and it has a tape deck (no cd player). So my niece and I pull into Wally World and I park. As I get out on my side, I notice she decides to get out on the passenger side (earlier, she got out on my side with me). So, I told her, "Tana, lock the door." She glances at the door for a few seconds. Thens she raises her hands in the air with a confused look and says, "Big Josh!" That's what she calls me. "Big Josh! How?" So I motioned with my hand to tap the lock down. She looks at the nub sticking up out of the door and gently presses it down. She then looked up and smiled. Enthralled with a sense of accomplishment, she said, "Oh, cool!" and then proceeded out the door.

This story is really funny to me. My niece has become so accustomed to power locks that actually locking one with her own hand was abnormally exciting. But that is the direction our society is heading. I joke around with my wife sometimes and say, "You know when we are grandparents, we'll be telling our grandkids, 'No kidding, phones used to have cords and you couldn't take them out of the house,' or maybe, 'Oh yeah, phones were huge in our day. They were as big as the palm of my hand.'" Wow! It'll be interesting to see what the future holds.

The Daddy's Perspective

On January 30th of this year at approximately 2:55 p.m., I officially became a father. Allow me to tell you about this birthing process from the daddy's perspective. First of all, my wife was induced; thus, labor progressed very quickly. Let me tell ya, it was the most intense 6 1/2 hrs of my life. After a couple of hours, she was having contractions that lasted at least 1 minute long and they were occurring no more than 2 minutes apart. I coached her with 2 different types of breathing techniques the entire time. You know, I'm by no means in any kind of shape (maybe pear shaped), but I do like to run a lot. In fact, the day before my son was born, I ran 5 miles at a pretty good pace because I wanted to get a good workout in before he came. However, no workout I've ever done had made my lungs hurt like doing those breathing techniques for 6 1/2 hours. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of pain my wife was in.

Another interesting thing from the daddy's perspective is the actual birthing of the child. I did everything I said over and over again that I wouldn't do. I watched him come out, I watched the placenta being delivered, and I cut the umbilical cord. My wife was in so much pain that I wanted to give her some hope that it will end soon; thus, I watched for the crowning of the head. Then I whispered in her ear, "I can see his head, and he has hair." I'll never forget the smile my wife had shining on her face at that moment. Well, there was also one doctor who delivered the baby, one nurse how charted, and one more nurse who helped coach the pushing. She also held one of my wife's legs up to help with the pushing. However, my wife, like most of us, has two legs...so I helped hold the other leg. So, in that position, you really cannot not watch. I don't regret it...it was facinating and scary at the same time. When he came out, they immediately layed him on my wife's chest, but it took him about 10 seconds to take his first breath. That was the longest 10 seconds of my life. But I will never forget the joy I felt when he let out that first cry. He was finally here! Eleven days overdue, but here nonetheless. Now after witnessing all that, might as well cut the cord, right? My only fear at that point was cutting the doc's fingers.

My favorite part of all was when the doctor layed him on my wife's chest immediately after emerging from the birth canal. It wasn't the little person that finally joined us or the precious first cry he wailed that facinated me so. Those things I will never forget, but it was the joy I saw on my wife's face that I will remember the most. My wife gave birth to a 9 lb 2 oz 21.5 in. long child without an epidural (and induced labor is much harder so I hear). I'll spare you from the details regarding the number he did on her body. Let me put it this way, she was patient at the hospital for 4 days after the birth. But despite all the pain she felt and despite the extreme fatigue she experienced, once that doctor laid our son upon her chest, you could see the joy fill her body and all that other stuff, you could tell, wasn't even an afterthought for her. That is exactly the kind of mother I want my son to have by his side.

Well, I've been a dad for a few days now, but it is still a little surreal for me. But I love that little guy so much. I once had a professor tell me that you can't love new born immediately. "It's impossible" he'd say, because you just met him. I say, "What a load of garbage." My wife and I have gotten to know this little guy for almost 9 1/2 long months. We fell in love with him a long time ago, but our love just went through the roof when we finally got to see and hold what we had been loving for so long. I am a bit nervous about this new journey, but I feel up to the challenges that await us as I know God will not allow us to experience more than we can bear. God is amazing! I don't believe childbirth is a miracle, but I do believe it is a testament to our all-knowing and all-powerful living God. God bless.

ScreamFree Parenting

Greetings readers. This small segment is my plug for a fantastic parenting book - ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Runkel. Ever since I was an undergraduate in college, I have been intrigued by the parent-child relationship. Thus, while getting my Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy, I focused my interests in that field of study. I am now a therapist for youths and their families at a small non-profit organization in the city I live in. I have the privilege of working with adolescents and their parents on a day-to-day basis.

Through my education and experience in working with the parent-child relationship, I have been exposed to numerous parenting research, curriculums, and philosophical approaches. Books that I consider to be fairly descent are Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson, Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline & Jim Fay, and Raising the Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman. Although these are great reads that many moms and dads could find useful information, ScreamFree Parenting blows these out of the water by far in my opinion. However, I still consider Gottman's book as a semi-close second to Runkel's.

Runkel's approach to parenting is far different than anything I've ever seen. First of all he actually wrote a parenting book that is focused on parents and not children. So many books out there tend to put the focus on the children (e.g., how to get your child to behave or how to make your child happy), but his book is about how parents can change.....how by simply being cool, calm, and connected is your greatest parenting tool. But more importantly, throughout this curriculum/book, Hal reiterates the notion that parenting is NOT about a set of techniques to get your child to do this or that, but instead, parenting is about building relationships.......which is a concept that I feel has been lost in the parenting literature.

If you are a parent or hope to be a parent some day, I hope you check out ScreamFree Parenting. I have had the privilege of running parenting groups at my place of work using the ScreamFree Parenting video series curriculum. Thus, if you ever get the opportunity to attend a ScreamFree Parenting class, DON'T PASS IT UP! But if classes aren't being offered in your area, at least read the book. But be prepared to have your minds challenged as this approach goes against most of what society teaches or has taught about parenting. Also, if you are not planning on having children any time soon but could use a few pointers in your everyday relationships, this book might be what you are looking for as Hal's principles apply to many more than just the parent-child relationship. Anyways.........I hope you will check it out. Click on the blog title to take you to the website.

You Can't Make Me!!!

"He made me angry." "She makes me happy." "[This or that] made me sad." "[This or that] makes me excited!" Do these phrases sound familiar? Do you happen to use these phrases or a version of these phrases in your everyday life? I think we are all guilty of verbalizing our emotions like this from time to time. However, when it comes to our emotions, if you think about it, no sole person or thing can make us feel anything. I know this is a hard concept to grasp as you might be able to think of a time when your interaction with someone specific influenced a particular emotion within you (e.g., anger, happiness). But influence is really all they did.

No one is in control of our emotions. Yes, that means even we are not in control of our own emotions. All we have control over our behavioral responses (i.e., our reactions to our emotions). Therefore, if even we aren't in control of our emotions, what makes us think someone else has control over them? And what kind of life would it be if our emotions were left up others to determine? And who would want the pressure of that responsibility? But that is what we communicate when we say things like, "You make me so angry!" Now that doesn't mean that we can't accurately predict what kind of emotion we'll experience in certain situations (e.g., anger/hurt when kids talk back, excitement/joy at sports events), but those situations don't determine the emotion as it is possible to experience a different emotion in the same situation. For example, one might typically experience excitement at a football game, but his/her emotion might be quite different if right before the game s/he found out an old friend is sick with cancer." Case in point, the football game doesn't soley determine the emotion, which brings me to my next point.

Life doesn't happen in a vacuum. There are so many other things that have gone on in our lives, and so many things that are currently going on in our lives that help determine our emotional response. So, all we can really say is that in a certain situation, I felt _________. For example: "When you accuse me, I feel/become angry" instead of "You make me angry when you accuse me." Another example: "I'm happy when I am with you" instead of "You make me happy." This may not seem like that big of a deal to you. You may be thinking "who cares how it is phrased?" Well, that is a great question! Almost everyone does. People don't want the responsibility of determining your emotions. When it comes to negative emotions (e.g., fear, anger, sadness), you often see people resisting that responsibility by getting defensive after you lay blame for that emotion on them. When it comes to positive emotions (e.g., happiness, joy, excitement), doesn't it just mean more to know that someone is, for instance, happy with you not because of you. Seriously, is it truly happiness if you made it happen? Nope! It is like telling someone to "be spontaneous right now." It can't be done.

Usually this topic influences lots of thoughts within people when I talk about it, and most at first have a hard time swallowing it. Thus, I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts. Take care and God bless.

Men Always Do Well (well...most of the time)

When I was a sophomore at Oklahoma Christian, I will never forget an incident that occurred in one of my science classes. We had a very entertaining professor with the driest sense of humor you've ever heard. He did a great job creating entertaining slide shows and what not. One particular day during lecture, he had a slide show of pics he had taken of a trip he and his wife went on. Now his wife was a very cute blond with a very nice smile. After a picture of he and his lovely wife flashed up on the screen, a girl in class shocked us all with her brutal words. With a twinkle in her eye and a smirk on her face (okay, no twinkle), without time to think about what she was saying or how she was saying it, she blurted out, "How'd you get her?!"

This a very good question. And although it is often asked, I have yet to hear a good answer for it. Thus, today, I am going to attempt to do what know man has done before and provide an answer for this question.

Simply stated, men always do well, or most men do. Just flip on your TV and start watching. Popular programs like "According to Jim" and "Still Standing" accurately depict not-so-goodlooking men with stunning wives hanging on their arms.

Sure your George Clooneys, Tom Cruises, and Will Smiths are out their, but they are few and far between. Even ad agencies know this. When the best they can do is put Nic Cage's face on an advertisement, you know they are banking on people looking past his not-so-goodlookingness and seeing a celebrity with some hit movies (which could also be argued). When people like Woody Allen, DwightYokam, and Bruce Willis are heartthrobs of their day, you know women are not focusing on their looks. Now, if you are female, you might be saying to yourself, "Well, I think Bruce Willis is very good looking." No he is not." Men only want to be him because you all want him. And the reason women want him has nothing to do with his physical appearance. And women, don't let men fool you, they know who is and isn't good looking in their own specie...but, they'll never admit it to you. Aside from celebrities, if you just look around you you'll see what I am talking about. Most of us men are beer drinking (not me though), belly scratching, lent picking, girl crazy, gentlemen. And that my friends, the gentlemen part, is why we have gorgeous wives hanging on our arms. After all, our gorgeous wives are commonly known as the better halves. And I couldn't agree more. The problem is some men forget to utilize their gentle man quality.

This is merely my mixed up, slightly humorous theory about mysteries of heterosexual relationships. I would be interested in hearing your thoughts and opinions.

Isn't Narcolepsy Wonderful?

Most of you that read my blog know I have narcolepsy. Therefore, most of you know I have to schedule naps in my day function well. And many of you know what happens when I don't do such a good job of nap-scheduling. Well, I was taking one of my scheduled naps today and had the most interesting dream.

"A guy (we'll call him Bob) I grew up with who is currently in prison, got released from prison and decided he wanted to reconnect with some old pals. Well in order to do so, he had to go through the proper legal channels. His attorney, Sam Elliot (dressed in rugged western clothes), decided to try to get Bob what he wanted by looking for loop holes in the law. Well, the Law & Order: SVU medical examiner found out and was upset because she was the one who give the 'okay' when it comes to dealing with parolees. Well, she and Sam have it out. But, after going through the right channels, Sam gets Bob in to see his friends. One of his long lost friends is yours truly and the other is another one of my childhood friends - we'll call her Tif. Well, Bob get all Sadomasochist in our reunion (no, Sam is no longer present) and threatens to jam a meat thermometer in my shoulder. A MEAT THERMOMETER! Oh yeah.... he was upset because I didn't think it was such a good idea for him to see Tif. So, liking my shoulder like it is, I decided to go against my gut and put Tif's life at stake. What a good pal I am. He grabs Tif....holding the meat thermometer in his hand, but jams it in his own leg...told ya - masochist. Freaked out, I grab Tif, light the place on fire and scram! Also, I a pretty sure I turned into someone else while making this heroic effort. But that doesn't matter - I saved her!"

You all may have had similar dreams before. So, I'll tell you why this is different for a narcoleptic. First, I was only asleep for about 10 minutes. As many of you are away, I cycle from awake to REM - no in-betweeners. When I kick back and my eyelids get heavy...I'm already dreaming. Therefore, this brings me to my second reason, I woke up feeling like all this really happened. Yep, I woke up feeling like a HERO! Save the childhood friend - save the world.

Check out the link to watch some cool narco vids.

Barking at Cats

My lovely wife and I spent our Christmas holiday at her parents' in Arizona. In addition to hauling our luggage down, we also brought our 2 wonderful dogs with us. They loved it down there. However, if I could guess one frustration they might have experienced it probably had to do with my in-law's tabby cat. Oh they wanted to play with her so badly, but she would elevate herself on different structures to avoid potentially deadly interaction with our dogs. In response, the dogs would sit and bark at her. This really got my wheels turning. I asked myself, "Do these dogs really think their (semi)ferocious verbal outbursts will somehow convince this cat that they are no longer a threat to her well-being?" or "Maybe the cat will become so annoyed with the barking that she'll just give herself up to shut them up?" - HERE'S YOUR SIGN. I believe, in reality, the dogs, with their primitive minds, probably do believe they'll get what they want from that cat by barking at it. Thus, my first thought is, "Shut up you stupid dogs." Then, I realize I must be careful because we, humans, often do the same thing. For example, I have counseled (and witnessed) many married couples who get into these vicious arguments that involve name-calling, scorekeeping, nagging, so on and so forth. What do they think, that this behavior will actually get the other to think or do as they wish? The answer is "YES!" for the most part. The odd thing is that most of them have been doing this with each other for years; although it never worked, THEY STILL DO IT! Sounds a lot like the dog barking at the cat, huh?

Jerry Seinfeld has a great piece on this behavior. He refers to men whistling and yelling at women from construction sites, but he states that honking the car horn at a women is the last human brain cell working. He says what do we think will happen? Do we think she's going to kick off the heels and latch on to the bumper of a moving car? And when the car stops, do we think she'll walk over to us and say "I'm so glad you honked! I never knew how you felt." Very primitive behavior - just like dogs barking at cats.

As people, but especially as Christians, we have to stop acting so primitively as we relate to each other. In James 3, James actually alludes to the fact that our tongues are harder to tame than animals. I don't know if I like this notion... that in some ways we are worse than animals....but its true. We don't have an excuse. We actually have this part of our brain that animals don't have known as the neocortex - this is what makes us human. James challenges us to actually use this part in 1:19 - Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. When we are hurt, threatened, or misunderstood by others, as hard as it may be, we have to take a step back and consider these thoughts, "Will my next behavior reflect Christ? How can I respond in a way that increases my chances of advancing the Kingdom? Will my next action make a difference for this person? Will my next behavior make a difference for the Kingdom of God?"

Good luck and may God bless you in all of your relationships.

Not My Problem

I apologize for not have written in a while. If you are like me and periodically check other's blogs, you probably feel a little disappointed when your blogger buddies do not have new entries. But there are others of you that are probably relieved as there is less for you to read that day.

Just to let you know my blog probably won't have much update in relation to what is going on in my life. My wife pretty much covers it in her blog - www.amandanichols.blogspot.com. Unless she has left something out or something spectacular happens to me alone, I more or less will attempt to challenge your maps with mine (see blog description for definition of "maps").

To address the title of this entry "Not my problem," I was having an interesting conversation with someone whom I consider to be very wise. As we were talking, he told me that when it comes to life's challenges, he lumps things in two categories - 1. Things that are his problem and 2. Things that aren't his problem. I found this to be very interesting. At first glance, this might sound cold or hardhearted. However, after further thought, it is reality. I believe we often overwhelm ourselves with the things we cannot control (i.e., things that aren't our problem). What we have to do is examine the stressful/challenging situation and determine "what about this situation do I have control over? What parts of this do I take responsibility for?" The parts we can't control, we have to let be. This is when it gets scary. We are such control freaks that we actually create the illusion that we are in control of the things we actually are not in control of; thus, our anxiety raises because our illusion is being challenged. In Matthew 6, Jesus asks if by worrying can one add a single second to his/her life? In reality, you might actually find that you are in control of very little (read Romans, particular chapter 8). God has set it up that way, because if we are the ones in control, we really have no need for God. A very wise woman (Mamaw) once said, "We often have it in our minds that we'll just help God out a little." This should be Webster's definition of "control freak."

Blogging Difficulties

I am uploading a picture so I can use it as my profile picture. As technilogically advanced as we are these days, you'd think that blogger.com would make it easier to upload a pic, instead of having to use one from an existing website. Oh the frustrations. Well here it is, feel free to comment...but I am only doing this so I can use it as my profile pic.

Utopia Syndrome

"The psychology of the unattainable necessitates that every actual fulfillment is experienced as a loss, as a profanation: for the devout Jew the political reality of the State of Israel is little more than the bana parody of an age-old, messianic longing; for the romantic lover who at long last conquers the beautiful woman, the reality of his victory is a far cry from what it was in his dreams. George Bernard Shaw put the same thought even more succintly and pessimistically: 'There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.'" - Watzlawick, P., Weeakland, J., & Fisch, R. (1974). Change. New York: W.W. Norton & Co., p. 50.

I thought this statement does a good job of illustrating the challenges we face as we strive to achieve our goals in life. We have in our mind an image of what things will look like when we meet our goals. Not achieving this goal is unacceptable. However, we often find that achieving this desire is unacceptable as well - because a "perfect world" is not what we find when we get there. For example, I was so excited when I recieved my Bachelor's degree from Oklahoma Christian. I was one of the few in my entire family to do so. Although it meant a lot, I literally chose that particular major to prepare me for my graduate studies - which had quickly become my heart's new desire. I did it! And everything happened the way I wanted it to. I got a good job, my family came up to celebrate this accomplishment, and I have nice diploma that says "Master of Science" hanging on my wall. I was living in Utopia. But that was short-lived. I often forget I have a master's and most of my friends and family probably don't think about it much either. When I meet new people and they hear about my education, they don't throw me parties and pop fireworks. Today, my degree is simply another milestone I had to cross to get the job and education I wanted. And with every accomplishment comes a variety of new challenges. But this is how I want it. I am content with the journey. I always want to have an adventure. I think people often get caught up in finding Utopia that they miss the journey or at least create a miserable one for themselves. We won't find Utopia; we won't discover perfection; and we won't find rest in this life. God has called us to be content as pilgrims in this life, not settlers. In the end, Utopia will be something He will willingly give to us, not something we discover on our own.

Blogging...I've been sucked in.

Today I learned that creating a blog is a great alternative to working out. Yes, I had great intentions today to get back on a regular work out plan....didn't happen. Instead I decided to spend 2 hours creating a blog. I realized that thi s is Satan working in my life for during these 2 hours, I didn't even manage to insert a profile picture. I spent 15 minutes deciding what font to use!!! Well, at least I haven't been tempted with food as I haven't thought about eating the entire time....well....scratch that. Satan is a sly devil.