What's Your Motivation?

I was real proud of myself the other day. I ran a 7 minute mile on the treadmill and 2 miles in 14 minutes 13 seconds. That was heavy hauling for me...my lungs hurt all day. I started running and lifting weights when I began college almost 10 years ago. I've gotten more serious about in the past year or two, but it has been something important to me nonetheless. Here recently, my wife and I have added healthy eating to our lifestyle. We do this because we respect ourselves; thus, we want to keep our bodies, minds, and souls healthy. Not to say we don't struggle with self-hatred/dislike from time to time, but for the most part, we try hard to take care of what God has given us.

It wasn't always this way for me. My motivation for working out, dieting, etc., was my dislike of self whereas now I do it out of self-respect. But, as I already mentioned, the self-hatred motivation is still something I struggle with from time to time. This clip from Scrubs might ring true for many of you that have decided to start a regular work out routine or join a dieting program. But there is a big problem with self-hatred being our motivation for bettering ourselves. If we are successful in our efforts to better ourselves, then we begin to no longer dislike ourselves; therefore, we lose our motivation. Sometimes we even sabotage our efforts (e.g., binging, giving up-starting over pattern) because in order to continue with the program, we have to hate/dislike ourselves, because that, afterall, is our motivation. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, says that often people have such poor self-image that they decide to join a dieting program, but then end up more miserable than before because now they have given up the only thing in their life that influences happiness - food. Therefore, we need to shift our thinking. We need to start loving and respecting ourselves so that when we choose to exercise or not eat this or that or take some time for prayer and meditation, it is being motivated by our self-love, not self-hatred. Pauls says in Ephesians 5:29, "After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church..." Boy do we need to get our minds back on that line of thinking.

In Memory of Dr. Kathleen Briggs

On May 21st of this year at 4 a.m., Dr. Kathleen Briggs lost her battle with breast cancer, which began 10 years ago this April. Although I only knew Dr. Briggs (or Kathleen, as she liked most of her graduate students and colleagues to call her) for a short period of time, she had a lasting impact on me as a marital and family therapist and as a person.

I first met Kathleen back in 2002 when I was looking into graduate school at Oklahoma State University. She was the first of the marriage and family therapy (MFT) professors I met. I can remember the zeal and passion she had toward this field. All I remember thinking is, "if she is part of this graduate program, well, this is where I want to be." Later, I was invited to join the 2003 MFT cohort at OSU. You can imagine the disappointment I felt when I discovered that Kathleen wasn't a main part of the MFT program as she took the position as department head. She still seemed to stay connected in various ways, but we, graduate students, rarely saw her in the classroom or clinic. Well, I wasn't about to be deprived of the Kathleen Briggs experience, so I took it upon myself to stop by her office and visit with her as often as I could. As busy as she was as department head, she always seemed to make time to visit with me when I stopped by. I remember one particular time I was contemplating buying a PDA (i.e., pocket pc). I knew she had one, so I stopped by to briefly ask her about it. She dropped what she was doing and spent 30 minutes showing me how it all worked. She even offered to let me borrow hers for a while longer so I could see if that kind of device would best serve my interests. She was such a fabulous person.

The biggest impact Kathleen had on me pertained to how she approached life. I didn't know her before she was diagnosed with cancer, so I can't speak to how her battle with it influenced her perspective on life. However, I do feel like I have a good sense of how she approached life as someone battling with cancer. I've often caught myself describing Kathleen to others as a "machine." It just seemed that she wouldn't let anything bring her down and keep her from living life to the fullest. I'm sure she has had her moments of struggle that she probably revealed to her closest friends and family. But, for the most part, Kathleen stayed positive and determined. I did my internship at a cancer center and I have seen firsthand all the chemicals that get pumped directly into one's veins in effort to battle the cancer. Most of us in the MFT program knew if the cancer had returned; therefore, we knew Kathleen would be receiving chemotherapy. It was always phenomenal to me to know Kathleen was going through something so physically and mentally draining and yet see her in such high spirits. I remember thinking that I hope someday when I stare death in the face, I could stand strong and determined; and know that even if death prevails, I won't go down without putting up one heck of fight. There have been only two people in my life that have had that kind of impact on me, and Kathleen is one of them.

Thank you, Kathleen, for your life that you shared with me. To all who read this, Kathleen was a big supporter of cancer research. And although we have come along way in the search for a cure in the last two decades, there is still much work to be done. The American Cancer Society (http://www.cancer.org/) and the Komen Foundation (http://www.komen.org/) are just a couple of places you can make donations in the effort to find a cure. God bless you all.

What Would You Do If.....

Please make note that the following entry is a reflection of the many thoughts and challenges that I took away from this book. I, by no means, am suggesting that Yoder's position is the correct one and all other positions are sinful. I, myself, do not adhere totally to Yoder's position, but he does offer some thoughts that are worth thinking about.

What would you do if you were watching a loved one being attacked and you had a loaded gun in your hand? What would you do if someone broke into your house late at night and you had a loaded gun ready and available on your night stand? These are type of hypothetical situations that are discussed in this book. It is a short read and although I don't agree with all the thoughts and theories, I believe it will challenge your mind and I hope it will challenge your faith as well.

My wife and I are involved in small group bible study at our church. We had finished our curriculum a few weeks early; thus, our group decided we would watch a movie together one week and have a bible study pertaining to the movie the next week. We watched the fabulous movie called "End of the Spear," which is a true story about a group of men who gave their lives in effort to bring the gospel message to a very very violent indigenous tribe, known as the Waodoni. Toward the beginning of the movie, after being asked by his son if he would shoot the Waodani if they attacked, one man stated, "We can't shoot the Waodani. The Waodani aren't ready for heaven, we are." He was one of 5 men who was murdered that day by the Waodani tribe. They fired the weapons in the air to try to scare the tribesmen, but they never fired upon them. You'll have to watch the movie to get the rest of the story, but needless to say, the sacrifice of those 5 lives payed off in the end.

What I took away from Yoder's book is that we need to have the mentality of the man in this movie in every situation. God commands us to love our enemies (Luke 6:27-28). God doesn't say to love our enemies, but not if they are threatening your life or the life of a loved one. God doesn't say to love your enemies, but love your Christian brother more. He simply says to love your enemies. BUT, loving our enemies doesn't mean to do nothing in the face of evil. We need to be proactive. The problem is that when we run these hypothetical situations through our brains, we often conclude that "I will kill if I have to." Thus, if something like an attack upon a loved one did occur, we have already narrowed our options down to (1) kill or (2) be killed. Jesus teaches and demonstrates that there are always more options. When faced with life-threatened situations, Jesus didn't call down fire from heaven to eliminate the threat. He took a risk, like in the story of the woman caught in adultery, when he said "He who has not sinned cast the first stone" (see John 8:2-11). Boy....I wonder what was going through that woman's head. I mean, in a way, Jesus just gave those people permission to stone her to death. It was a risk; but it was worth taking in order to try to make a difference, and it did. Yoder puts forth the notion that we need to be convicted to not use physical violence as a means for defense so that our minds are allowed to explore other possibilities. So we can try to determine what will be the difference that will make the biggest difference. However, I, like many of you, don't know if my faith is strong enough to take that kind of risk; but, I am not yet convinced that we are expected to think and behave in such a way when lives are being threatened. I don't think any of us can say without a doubt what we would do in any given situation; however, my hope is that we are convicted enough and have a strong enough faith to act as Christ would have wanted us to. Here's some lingering questions that I do not have the answers to: In a life-threatening situation, can Christ instinctively be your best defense and/or offense? Can you have a mind of evangelism in any and all situations? Can you remember that your "enemies" might not be ready for heaven yet?

This is a controversial topic, I know, especially when you consider Romans 13 (Dr. Chip Kooi offers some theological knowlege regarding Romans 13 on his blog - http://cosmictherapy.blogspot.com/2008/02/pacifism-and-romans-13.html) but it is one that I think needs to be thought about and pondered over by all of us. I do not consider myself a pacifist by no means. In a crisis situation, I still think I would choose to protect my heavenbound family for several different reasons (many of which I consider divine/biblical) rather than protect the assumed lost one who is posing the threat. Even though this book didn't convert me to pacifism, I still think I benefitted from the challenging thoughts within it. I'd recommend that all Christians read it because you will develop a stronger stance, whether it changes or stays the same.

Note: The title of this entry links you to this book on amazon.com.

The Joys of Technology

This entry was inspired by my 6 yr old niece, whose story I tell in the 3rd paragraph (not counting this one).

If you are like me, then you appreciate the use of technology. I love my little techno-toys. Between my wife and I, we have a desktop computer, a laptop (tablet pc), a pocket pc, an IPOD, and more. And to add to all that, I am currently looking into getting a blackberry. Just to let you know how much I enjoy these technological advances, I sometimes stress out at the thought that I know there are programs and other things on my computer or pocket pc that I don't know how to use. However, I am not so bad that I am losing sleep or giving up excessive amounts of time to play with my gadgets. But I enjoy them nonetheless.

I also take pleasure in hearing stories from old timers who had to make it though life without the same level of technology we have today. Specifically, I hear the most about how people functioned without the internet. People actually did research in libraries and used the dewy decimal system, whatever that may be. Now, we have what we are looking for at the click of a button. I am old enough now to see differences between then and now. My stories look something like this, "I remember when we made it though life with one cell phone," or "Remember when it took a few seconds to get from one website to another? Now it's instantaneous with high speed internet," or "I remember when most of my friends didn't even have a computer in their home." I know this is silly to an older person, but it is still weird for me to see these changes happen so fast. Mind you I am only 28 years old.

I had an eye-opening experience the other day that spoke to the rapid advancement of technology in our society. My 6 year old niece came to visit a couple of weeks ago. I bribed her to go to Wal-Mart with me by offering to buy her some gum (she ended up getting an OSU snowglobe ...I'm a sucker, I know). We hopped in my Ford F-150 XL single cab. Although I love my truck, there is nothing special about it. It is the basic of the basics. It is a stick-shift with no power locks or windows and it has a tape deck (no cd player). So my niece and I pull into Wally World and I park. As I get out on my side, I notice she decides to get out on the passenger side (earlier, she got out on my side with me). So, I told her, "Tana, lock the door." She glances at the door for a few seconds. Thens she raises her hands in the air with a confused look and says, "Big Josh!" That's what she calls me. "Big Josh! How?" So I motioned with my hand to tap the lock down. She looks at the nub sticking up out of the door and gently presses it down. She then looked up and smiled. Enthralled with a sense of accomplishment, she said, "Oh, cool!" and then proceeded out the door.

This story is really funny to me. My niece has become so accustomed to power locks that actually locking one with her own hand was abnormally exciting. But that is the direction our society is heading. I joke around with my wife sometimes and say, "You know when we are grandparents, we'll be telling our grandkids, 'No kidding, phones used to have cords and you couldn't take them out of the house,' or maybe, 'Oh yeah, phones were huge in our day. They were as big as the palm of my hand.'" Wow! It'll be interesting to see what the future holds.

The Daddy's Perspective

On January 30th of this year at approximately 2:55 p.m., I officially became a father. Allow me to tell you about this birthing process from the daddy's perspective. First of all, my wife was induced; thus, labor progressed very quickly. Let me tell ya, it was the most intense 6 1/2 hrs of my life. After a couple of hours, she was having contractions that lasted at least 1 minute long and they were occurring no more than 2 minutes apart. I coached her with 2 different types of breathing techniques the entire time. You know, I'm by no means in any kind of shape (maybe pear shaped), but I do like to run a lot. In fact, the day before my son was born, I ran 5 miles at a pretty good pace because I wanted to get a good workout in before he came. However, no workout I've ever done had made my lungs hurt like doing those breathing techniques for 6 1/2 hours. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of pain my wife was in.

Another interesting thing from the daddy's perspective is the actual birthing of the child. I did everything I said over and over again that I wouldn't do. I watched him come out, I watched the placenta being delivered, and I cut the umbilical cord. My wife was in so much pain that I wanted to give her some hope that it will end soon; thus, I watched for the crowning of the head. Then I whispered in her ear, "I can see his head, and he has hair." I'll never forget the smile my wife had shining on her face at that moment. Well, there was also one doctor who delivered the baby, one nurse how charted, and one more nurse who helped coach the pushing. She also held one of my wife's legs up to help with the pushing. However, my wife, like most of us, has two legs...so I helped hold the other leg. So, in that position, you really cannot not watch. I don't regret it...it was facinating and scary at the same time. When he came out, they immediately layed him on my wife's chest, but it took him about 10 seconds to take his first breath. That was the longest 10 seconds of my life. But I will never forget the joy I felt when he let out that first cry. He was finally here! Eleven days overdue, but here nonetheless. Now after witnessing all that, might as well cut the cord, right? My only fear at that point was cutting the doc's fingers.

My favorite part of all was when the doctor layed him on my wife's chest immediately after emerging from the birth canal. It wasn't the little person that finally joined us or the precious first cry he wailed that facinated me so. Those things I will never forget, but it was the joy I saw on my wife's face that I will remember the most. My wife gave birth to a 9 lb 2 oz 21.5 in. long child without an epidural (and induced labor is much harder so I hear). I'll spare you from the details regarding the number he did on her body. Let me put it this way, she was patient at the hospital for 4 days after the birth. But despite all the pain she felt and despite the extreme fatigue she experienced, once that doctor laid our son upon her chest, you could see the joy fill her body and all that other stuff, you could tell, wasn't even an afterthought for her. That is exactly the kind of mother I want my son to have by his side.

Well, I've been a dad for a few days now, but it is still a little surreal for me. But I love that little guy so much. I once had a professor tell me that you can't love new born immediately. "It's impossible" he'd say, because you just met him. I say, "What a load of garbage." My wife and I have gotten to know this little guy for almost 9 1/2 long months. We fell in love with him a long time ago, but our love just went through the roof when we finally got to see and hold what we had been loving for so long. I am a bit nervous about this new journey, but I feel up to the challenges that await us as I know God will not allow us to experience more than we can bear. God is amazing! I don't believe childbirth is a miracle, but I do believe it is a testament to our all-knowing and all-powerful living God. God bless.

ScreamFree Parenting

Greetings readers. This small segment is my plug for a fantastic parenting book - ScreamFree Parenting by Hal Runkel. Ever since I was an undergraduate in college, I have been intrigued by the parent-child relationship. Thus, while getting my Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy, I focused my interests in that field of study. I am now a therapist for youths and their families at a small non-profit organization in the city I live in. I have the privilege of working with adolescents and their parents on a day-to-day basis.

Through my education and experience in working with the parent-child relationship, I have been exposed to numerous parenting research, curriculums, and philosophical approaches. Books that I consider to be fairly descent are Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson, Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline & Jim Fay, and Raising the Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman. Although these are great reads that many moms and dads could find useful information, ScreamFree Parenting blows these out of the water by far in my opinion. However, I still consider Gottman's book as a semi-close second to Runkel's.

Runkel's approach to parenting is far different than anything I've ever seen. First of all he actually wrote a parenting book that is focused on parents and not children. So many books out there tend to put the focus on the children (e.g., how to get your child to behave or how to make your child happy), but his book is about how parents can change.....how by simply being cool, calm, and connected is your greatest parenting tool. But more importantly, throughout this curriculum/book, Hal reiterates the notion that parenting is NOT about a set of techniques to get your child to do this or that, but instead, parenting is about building relationships.......which is a concept that I feel has been lost in the parenting literature.

If you are a parent or hope to be a parent some day, I hope you check out ScreamFree Parenting. I have had the privilege of running parenting groups at my place of work using the ScreamFree Parenting video series curriculum. Thus, if you ever get the opportunity to attend a ScreamFree Parenting class, DON'T PASS IT UP! But if classes aren't being offered in your area, at least read the book. But be prepared to have your minds challenged as this approach goes against most of what society teaches or has taught about parenting. Also, if you are not planning on having children any time soon but could use a few pointers in your everyday relationships, this book might be what you are looking for as Hal's principles apply to many more than just the parent-child relationship. Anyways.........I hope you will check it out. Click on the blog title to take you to the website.

You Can't Make Me!!!

"He made me angry." "She makes me happy." "[This or that] made me sad." "[This or that] makes me excited!" Do these phrases sound familiar? Do you happen to use these phrases or a version of these phrases in your everyday life? I think we are all guilty of verbalizing our emotions like this from time to time. However, when it comes to our emotions, if you think about it, no sole person or thing can make us feel anything. I know this is a hard concept to grasp as you might be able to think of a time when your interaction with someone specific influenced a particular emotion within you (e.g., anger, happiness). But influence is really all they did.

No one is in control of our emotions. Yes, that means even we are not in control of our own emotions. All we have control over our behavioral responses (i.e., our reactions to our emotions). Therefore, if even we aren't in control of our emotions, what makes us think someone else has control over them? And what kind of life would it be if our emotions were left up others to determine? And who would want the pressure of that responsibility? But that is what we communicate when we say things like, "You make me so angry!" Now that doesn't mean that we can't accurately predict what kind of emotion we'll experience in certain situations (e.g., anger/hurt when kids talk back, excitement/joy at sports events), but those situations don't determine the emotion as it is possible to experience a different emotion in the same situation. For example, one might typically experience excitement at a football game, but his/her emotion might be quite different if right before the game s/he found out an old friend is sick with cancer." Case in point, the football game doesn't soley determine the emotion, which brings me to my next point.

Life doesn't happen in a vacuum. There are so many other things that have gone on in our lives, and so many things that are currently going on in our lives that help determine our emotional response. So, all we can really say is that in a certain situation, I felt _________. For example: "When you accuse me, I feel/become angry" instead of "You make me angry when you accuse me." Another example: "I'm happy when I am with you" instead of "You make me happy." This may not seem like that big of a deal to you. You may be thinking "who cares how it is phrased?" Well, that is a great question! Almost everyone does. People don't want the responsibility of determining your emotions. When it comes to negative emotions (e.g., fear, anger, sadness), you often see people resisting that responsibility by getting defensive after you lay blame for that emotion on them. When it comes to positive emotions (e.g., happiness, joy, excitement), doesn't it just mean more to know that someone is, for instance, happy with you not because of you. Seriously, is it truly happiness if you made it happen? Nope! It is like telling someone to "be spontaneous right now." It can't be done.

Usually this topic influences lots of thoughts within people when I talk about it, and most at first have a hard time swallowing it. Thus, I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts. Take care and God bless.