The Power of Apology

Many of us have been in the position where we have been hurt and someone owes us an apology. Many of us have also been on the flip side where we are the ones that need to do the apologizing. But does apologizing seem pointless sometimes or maybe even overrated? Because how many times has someone apologized to you and it was the furthest thing from sincere? You might even remember as a child your mother or father telling you to apologize and shake hands with a friend that you had an altercation with. You go through the motions, but it pretty much meant nothing.

So, the questions I raise are"What makes an apology sincere? How is it done right?" A truly effective apology is not easy to do. It requires a level head, emotional maturity, humility, and vulnerability. These attributes are hard to accomplish when your character or reputation is being challenged. Most of us are good people and upstanding citizens; therefore, we don't like to hear that we have hurt someone, especially someone dear to us. So, when we apologize, we tend to make our apologies about us. For example, this might look like, "I'm sorry, but (fill in the blank)." When we try to offer an explanation right off the bat, we discredit the apology. It's a defense.....it's the furthest thing from becoming vulnerable.

So, before you make an apology, consider the following ADVICE:

1. Remember, the purpose of the apology is to restore the relationship, thus, think about what you want to say and how you want to say it.
2. Ask yourself, "Am I truly apologizing or am I trying to provide him/her rationale/understanding for my behavior?"
3. If the words, "but" "however" or "although" are part of the content, then you probably are not ready to apologize.
4. Remember, your logic or rationale for your behavior does NOT take away the hurt. The hurt is very real and influenced by something you did despite your intentions.
5. Remember, the apology isn't about you, so do NOT wait around for an "I forgive you" response.

Allow me to give you an EXAMPLE of what a powerful apology looks like: A father might say to a child "(Kneeling down to eye level of hurt child, with both hands on child's shoulders) I am sorry that I haven't been the dad I need to be. I will work harder at (fill in the blank). I hope you can forgive me. (Parent kisses child on forehead and immediately turns to leave)."

I want you to notice first, that the parent lowered himself physically making himself an equal to the child (not easy for a parent to do). Next, notice that he did not offer any excuses or explanations for his behavior. He simply acknowledged his shortcomings and apologized. Lastly, notice that the father did NOT wait around for the child to respond. Remember, the apology isn't about you. Part of the risk in truly apologizing is that you won't be forgiven. Forgiveness is strictly up to the person doing the forgiving. If you hang around for their response, then you are putting them under undo pressure to forgive you.

I hope you take away something useful from this entry. Any insights you have are more than welcomed. I look forward to reading them.

Is Texting Detrimental on Relationships?

Do you text? Do you tweet? Are you on Facebook or MySpace? Social networking has hit the floor running over the past few years. I have to admit, I, myself, have been sucked in to the social networking world. I have a Facebook account; I can be followed on Twitter; I can be connected with on LinkedIn; and I also am a part of Christian networking site known as Missional Outreach Network developed by a friend of mine.

When we sign up for such sites, we do not really think anything of it. Afterall, what harm could come by it. Most of the sites have privacy controls now so we can limit who views our profiles and we can select whom we allow in our circle - our "friends." I am still surprized as to how many users accept people they don't even know into their "friends" list, but that is another post for another time. There are a lot of positive things that can come through these social networking sites. You can reconnect and stay connected with friends and family. You can advance your business or further a cause. You can even use it as a tool for Christian outreach. But what happens when we don't set boundaries with these sites? Or with texting for that matter?

Although people stay connected through social networking and texting, these forms of communication can also be detrimental to relationships. I have seen full blown arguments take place on Facebook. I am aware of difficult, deep conversations taking place via texting and instant messenger. Using such methods in attempt to resolve conflict or converse about deep issues is not the wisest form of communication one could choose. In fact, it most likely will work against you rather than for you.

One reason we shouldn't use social networking or texting to discuss relationship problems is because others are left to interpret the meaning of our written words. Most of the time when this happens, the messages are written on a whim without much thought put into it, not to mention that most people try to keep them short to preserve time and space. Reading tone and emotion is almost next to impossible anyway, but this makes it all the more difficult.

Another reason we should choose wisely on our approach to discuss problematic issues has to do with the concept of vulnerability. Whenever we feel hurt, angry, confused, etc., we enter into a state of vulnerability. This is when we often say or do things that we regret later, which is why in order to keep relationships healthy, we must learn to effectively communicate and resolve conflict when we are feeling vulnerable. These are not easy skills to acquire and there is always more to learn. But, people are starting to gravitate toward wall posts, IM, and, the easiest avenue, TEXTING. They choose this method because it is safe, but it is extremely ineffective and often ends up perpetuating the problem and the hurt connected to it.

This is my encouragement to you. When you are faced with a dilemma with a close friend, relative, or especially your spouse, PUT DOWN YOUR PHONES and CLOSE YOUR LAPTOPS. Take a risk and go to them and talk it out like adults. Using these "safe" methods are often childish and cowardice. Jesus knew what he was talking about in Matthew 18 when he commanded us to go to one another when we feel like we've been sinned against. He knew that when we feel hurt or betrayed by someone we love, we should approach them in person (the narrow road) and not take easy way out (the broad road).

I am very interested in hearing your thoughts on this matter.