The Power of Apology

Many of us have been in the position where we have been hurt and someone owes us an apology. Many of us have also been on the flip side where we are the ones that need to do the apologizing. But does apologizing seem pointless sometimes or maybe even overrated? Because how many times has someone apologized to you and it was the furthest thing from sincere? You might even remember as a child your mother or father telling you to apologize and shake hands with a friend that you had an altercation with. You go through the motions, but it pretty much meant nothing.

So, the questions I raise are"What makes an apology sincere? How is it done right?" A truly effective apology is not easy to do. It requires a level head, emotional maturity, humility, and vulnerability. These attributes are hard to accomplish when your character or reputation is being challenged. Most of us are good people and upstanding citizens; therefore, we don't like to hear that we have hurt someone, especially someone dear to us. So, when we apologize, we tend to make our apologies about us. For example, this might look like, "I'm sorry, but (fill in the blank)." When we try to offer an explanation right off the bat, we discredit the apology. It's a defense.....it's the furthest thing from becoming vulnerable.

So, before you make an apology, consider the following ADVICE:

1. Remember, the purpose of the apology is to restore the relationship, thus, think about what you want to say and how you want to say it.
2. Ask yourself, "Am I truly apologizing or am I trying to provide him/her rationale/understanding for my behavior?"
3. If the words, "but" "however" or "although" are part of the content, then you probably are not ready to apologize.
4. Remember, your logic or rationale for your behavior does NOT take away the hurt. The hurt is very real and influenced by something you did despite your intentions.
5. Remember, the apology isn't about you, so do NOT wait around for an "I forgive you" response.

Allow me to give you an EXAMPLE of what a powerful apology looks like: A father might say to a child "(Kneeling down to eye level of hurt child, with both hands on child's shoulders) I am sorry that I haven't been the dad I need to be. I will work harder at (fill in the blank). I hope you can forgive me. (Parent kisses child on forehead and immediately turns to leave)."

I want you to notice first, that the parent lowered himself physically making himself an equal to the child (not easy for a parent to do). Next, notice that he did not offer any excuses or explanations for his behavior. He simply acknowledged his shortcomings and apologized. Lastly, notice that the father did NOT wait around for the child to respond. Remember, the apology isn't about you. Part of the risk in truly apologizing is that you won't be forgiven. Forgiveness is strictly up to the person doing the forgiving. If you hang around for their response, then you are putting them under undo pressure to forgive you.

I hope you take away something useful from this entry. Any insights you have are more than welcomed. I look forward to reading them.