Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Blue Like Play Dough {Book Review}

Guest Writer: Amanda Nichols, Ph.D.

Tricia Goyer’s Blue Like Play Dough is a book about being a mother and letting God shape you into what He has in mind. Playing off Donald Miller’s book, Blue Like Jazz, Goyer writes,

“…when I had kids, I felt like I was the one being squished and pressed…I felt pulled when I tried to balance raising kids, taking care of our house, serving in church, and following my dreams. There were even days when I felt as if I was literally being pounded – by life, by my hang-ups, by my own insecurities and doubts that I was “good enough” as a mom…Rather [the blue lump] was something God held in His [hands]. I was that lump. As I watched God pull and tug, I saw that He was following a pattern. He had something in mind. God, the artist, was shaping me, forming me to represent an image of His Son.…Miller had blue jazz. I had blue play dough. I tried not to be disappointed.” (1-2)

Her description reminded me of one of my favorite scriptures:

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)

This is one of those books that I read at the perfect time in my life. I felt like God was reminding me of some very important things. That being said, I think every mother should read this book. It is an easy read and although the chapters are short, the reader will walk away feeling encouraged. Each chapter is riddled with personal stories from the author’s life as well as moral and personal applications. For a busy mom, I like this style: to the point but thought-provoking. Goyer has a witty style that keeps you turning the pages.

Goyer has some wise words about keeping God in your life, parenting, being a wife, and following your dreams. Since I had my first child over two years ago, I have been struggling with my relationship with God. After having my second son last year, there were days I felt like God and I barely knew each other. The hardest time in my life was when I was in graduate school – the unbelievable amount of stress pushed me into the arms of God. That era of my life was also probably one of the times I felt closest to God. I could spend hours studying his Word and talking to Him. I needed that to survive. But having kids changed the way I survived. If you have children, you know how difficult it is to have time alone. When at home, when I wasn’t changing a diaper or rocking my babies, I was sleeping; I was so tired! So without moments of solitude, how could I spend time with God? Goyer’s words released me from the rules I had made in my relationship with God:

“In the middle of my busy life, I can refocus my thoughts and my mind and my heart on Him. I can be fixed on God, even when my feet are hustling. I can look for Him, listen for Him, even if the looking and listening happen in the short drive I take to pick my daughter up…Or in the prayers I offer up as I shave my legs in the shower…The mess isn’t going to get cleaned up today, but that doesn’t mean I need to hold God at bay. He loves joining me, even if I’m placing Him into my chaos. In fact, if God had His way, I’m sure He’d write Himself into all part of my life, using permanent marker, reminding me of where He wants to be – everywhere…Insert God here.” (8-9)

What? I don’t have to clean myself (and my life) up first BEFORE I take some time with God? All my life, I had been taught that God just wants us, it doesn’t matter what kind of shape we are in at the moment. I had told people that little nugget of truth. But when it came down to it, I thought that I needed to get everything in order and devote a large block of time to God in order for Him to hear my prayers. It is okay for me to pray to God while I’m changing a diaper. Thanks be to God!

I was reminded while reading this book that I have a great husband. I have two awesome children. In Goyer’s words, “I don’t get life right 100 percent of the time…but I know I’m loved – even cherished.” (33) I am reminded of what is important. I also appreciated the simple truths in the book without judgment. There are some books about parenting or being a “good wife” I have read that leaves me feeling beat up. Even though Goyer has made some different decisions than I have (she’s a stay-at-home (mostly), home-schooling mother), I never felt like I was being judged for working outside the home. I was able to glean some important information too from her experiences of homeschooling her children. I applaud Goyer for discussing how she learned to take time for herself to follow her dreams of being an author. I also was impressed with her honesty and ability to openly share how God has worked in her life through bad decisions and tough times she has lived through.

“Even though I left that lifestyle behind when I got married, moved to a different town, and started attending church, I still carried around the memories. They were like crumbs in my play dough. A few stuck to the surface but many more were mixed in and hard to see. Yet even though those crumbs were my secret, they were there. I still felt like that scared, embarrassed teen girl and could not imagine revealing my biggest secret to anyone.” (54)

Goyer talks about grace and how God rescues us – from life, from poor decisions, and even ourselves.

“Yes, my play dough may still get crumbs, but it’s not my job to hide them or even to pick them out. God is faithful in doing that. It’s my job to be truthful about the dirt that still lingers and to hand myself over, plopping my blue, pliable self into His hands.” (60)

One of the scariest ideas about being a parent is the thought of your children hurting. Whether it’s because of others’ decisions, or your children’s own decisions, it is scary nonetheless. I was challenged in thinking about how I will react when my children make poor decisions. I was even more challenged in remembering that I have to hand them over to God as well. God has to work in their lives, too.

Finally, after reading this book, I am still working on remembering that I can approach God anytime. And that I need to approach Him daily – even if it’s only for small amounts of time. I remember back in graduate school at a scientific meeting, I attended a lecture about being a chemist and a mother. I was really looking forward to hearing some good advice since Josh and I were planning on starting a family soon. I was very disappointed. The speaker shared her solution that worked for her family: a live-in nanny while both her and her husband worked 60+ hours a week (each!). Those were my choices? Stay-at-home or work crazy long hours and have a live-in nanny? Thankfully, God has shown us a different way. My husband and I have figured out what works for our family. We’ve been blessed with flexible working hours, great flexible childcare arrangements, and grandparents (and friends) that live nearby that help out a lot!

“I still often ask Him to rescue me from the pressures that come with being a mom. For the most part, He doesn’t. Instead, if I’m willing, He uses them to change me on the inside. In His hands I’m being transformed, one squeeze at a time.” (2)

If you are a mother looking for a book that offers encouragement and a unique perspective of motherhood, then Blue Like Play Dough is definitely the book for you.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting

This past Saturday (Aug.7th), I was welcomed by the Wilshire Church of Christ in Oklahoma City to present an all-day parenting seminar. Thirty-five parents from the community and surrounding area attended. Post-seminar evaluations showed that participants were encouraged and enjoyed their overall experience. All the participants reported they would recommend this seminar to others.

Allow me the opportunity to explain in a little more detail this program, which I have entitled The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting.

When you choose to become a parent, you are choosing to live a life of vulnerability.”


– Unknown Source

Parenting is one of the hardest things we’ll ever do. We are constantly in a state of vulnerability. Remember the first time you left your child with a babysitter? The first time they rode their bike without training wheels? Do you remember how vulnerable you felt? We don’t like feeling vulnerable, but it is required for effective parenting. After all, God made himself vulnerable to us by sending his Son to die for our sins (see John 3:16). To make ourselves vulnerable means to put ourselves at risk. When we apologize to our children, we run the risk of not being forgiven. When we expect good things from our children, we run the risk of being disappointed. The R.I.S.K.S. program offers parents more awareness, understanding, and skill building when it comes to this vulnerable endeavor known as parenting. Parenting is about taking R.I.S.K.S.

The R: Parenting is about the Relationship. Strong relationships are vital to parenting. “How do I get my children to behave?” should not be the first question we ask. “How do I build a close relationship with my child?” is a better place to start. If the parent-child relationship is strained, parenting becomes a more difficult, if not impossible, task.

The I: Parenting is about Integrity. Strong parenting demands a heightened sense of one’s own integrity. Parents often find themselves violating their integrity in effort to achieve compliance or obedience from their children. God has placed within us the feeling of “guilt” to help us know when we have compromised our integrity. Screaming, yelling, disconnecting, empty threats are just a few behaviors that typically generate feelings of guilt within the parent. These behaviors may or may not result in obedience, but, nonetheless, always do harm to the parent-child relationship.

The S: Parenting is about Structure. Structure makes up the environment in which one’s child has to grow up. There are four structural components that are essential in creating an environment that increases your child’s chances for success: (1) Hierarchy, (2) Boundaries, (3) Discipline, and (4) Instruction. The challenge is being able to implement these components in a way that strengthens the parent-child relationship instead of weakening it.

The K: Parenting is about Keeping the Faith. “Letting go and letting God,” also involves, “letting go and letting grow.” One of the hardest aspects of parenting is the knowledge that we are raising our children to not need us anymore. Thus, we are slowly working our children toward self-sufficiency and independence, which starts from the moment they are born.

The Other S: Parenting is about Self-Nurture. Our children need us at our best! We owe it to them to take care of ourselves first. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, uses the metaphor of putting on your own oxygen mask first before you assist anyone else, as flight attendants tell us before every flight. If you can’t breathe, you can’t help anyone! Jesus was excellent at taking care of himself (see Matthew 14:13, 23, 26:36-39 and Mark 1:35-38). Thus, taking care of self first is actually a very selfless act.

This information provides you a brief glimpse of what The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting program is all about. If you have any questions about this program or if you are interested in bringing R.I.S.K.S. to your church or community, please call (405-234-7209) or email me (joshua.nichols@alumni.oc.edu). I would be more than willing to further discuss this program with you. R.I.S.K.S brochures are available. Simply email me your address and I will get one sent to you right away. You can also contact the Wilshire Church of Christ (www.wilshirechurch.org) in Oklahoma City at 405-843-912 and speak with Jeremie Beller, (jeremie@wilshirechurch.org, their Congregational Minister, to hear about their experience with hosting R.I.S.K.S.

I hope that all of you who are parents are working hard at taking R.I.S.K.S. with your children so that they will be better equipped to face this difficult world when they are grown. God bless you in this journey.