In marriage (or couples) counseling, this question often comes up in one way or another. A wife might say, "I love my husband unconditionally, but I don't believe he does." Or, a husband might make the claim that he does certain things because he loves his wife unconditionally. But can it really be done? Afterall, we know the Lord loves us with unconditional (agape) love. But did he set up the marital relationship to function in the same capacity as his relationship with us?
It is hard for me to make the claim that one can love their spouse unconditionally. Marriage is a give and take relationship. We expect certain exchanges to take place, if they don't the marriage tends to deteriorate. There are popular books that center around this thought like His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Both of these books focus on how making the necessary exchanges in the marital relationship is key to the vitality of the relationship. Harley uses the analogy of the "Love Bank." If we are only making withdrawals from our spouse's love bank and not making any deposits, we'll experience a deficit in the relationship.
Look at it this way. Have you paid attention to how hard it is to make a marriage work? We have to make a decision every day to love our spouses and stay in the relationship. Some days this is very easy for most, but there are other days that this is very difficult. Now, how hard is it for us to make this decision with our children? For most parents, although sometimes we don't enjoy being parents, we would not consider for a second giving up our children. No matter how much they tire us out or how much they hurt us or how much they interrupt our lives, we still choose them. Why, you might ask? Well, because we CAN love our children unconditionally. If our spouses treated us like our kids often do, we'd have a hard time justifying the marriage.
Although I don't believe unconditional love exists in the marital relationship, we can have unconditional commitment. Do the words "Til death do us part" ring a bell? Everytime a couple enters my office for marriage counseling, they are doing their best to uphold this notion of "unconditional commitment." And having a strong sense of unconditional commitment is what often saves marriages.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Saturday, January 02, 2010
The Daddy's Perspective: Part II
It's been 5 days since Liam was born and I still can't believe he is ours. On numerous occasions I have said or thought to myself, "I 
can't believe we have 2 kids now." Nine years ago God blessed me with the most wonderful woman I had ever met. His blessings continue to reign down on me as evidenced by these two wonderful boys he has placed in my life.
You know, my perspective of Liam's birth was somewhat different from my perspective of Casen's. There were some obvious differences. For example, the labor was less intense, so my hand hurt less; not to mention the fact that I forgot how the breathing was supposed to work (note: thanks to the nurses and my wife for refreshing my memory). But these aren't the kind of differences I'm talking about.
As I walked in to the hospital on December 28th, a since of familiarity rushed over me. I'd been here before. I'm not referring to the hospital, but to this place in life. Nearly 2 years ago, I was checking my wife and myself into a room in the labor and delivery ward; and on this day, I found myself doing it again. As I sat on the "cozy" loveseat in our room, I patiently listened to the nurse go over all the necessary paperwork and expectations with my soon-to-be induced wife. I kind of zoned in and out, because, afterall, I'd heard it all before. The whole experience was becoming kind of anti-climactic - almost as if it wasn't as special because it was the 2nd time around. Little did I know that God was about to give me a rude awakening.
As labor progressed, I worked hard at resuming my role as breathing coach and supportive husband. But I often found myself checking the clock not only in anticipation of the arrival of this new little guy, but also with inpatience as I wondered "When is this going to end?" Again, I think I'd convinced myself that this time just wasn't going to be as special, so I just wanted to get it over with....afterall, I did remember how much I hated seeing my bride in so much pain. However, as labor intensified, I started to feel the same feelings I had 2 years ago......feelings of fear as I watched the delivery......feelings of excitement as I was about to meet my new baby boy after a long 9 months of waiting......feelings of awe as I thought about how amazing God is that He formed this child in his mother's womb. I started having glimpses of my first son's birth. I remembered his HUGE head. I remembered how he didn't breath for about 10 seconds (the longest 10 seconds of my life). I remembered how his lifeless purple body changed to a glorious peach as God breathed in him the breath of life. God had reminded me of not only how amazing He is, but also, how honored I was to be a part of this experience for a second time.
However, God had one final display of His awe in store for me. He didn't show me by growing a huge baby as Liam was quite a bit smaller than Casen. He didn't show me by having me wait 10 seconds for Liam to take his first breath as Liam came out kicking and screaming. But what he had in store for me was quite different than what I experienced 2 years ago; and quite AWEsome to say the least. After the good doctor gently pulled Liam from his mother's womb (and nearly dropping him I might add) she gently placed him on his mother's chest. This was familiar ground again. I am very fond of the memory I have when I saw my wife look at our first born for the first time. It was her reaction that brings tears to my eyes to this day. So when the good doctor laid our newly born baby upon my wife's chest, I zeroed in on my wife's face as I waited for her amazing reaction. But it wasn't upon my wife's face where God would show His awe and glory, but upon the face of my newly born son. I watched mother and son gaze into each other's eyes and time stood still. It seemed they were communicating telepathically as if they were saying to each other, "Hello there. I've waited a long time for this moment. We are finally together." Then God did it. Because the most amazing thing happened next - he smiled.
can't believe we have 2 kids now." Nine years ago God blessed me with the most wonderful woman I had ever met. His blessings continue to reign down on me as evidenced by these two wonderful boys he has placed in my life.You know, my perspective of Liam's birth was somewhat different from my perspective of Casen's. There were some obvious differences. For example, the labor was less intense, so my hand hurt less; not to mention the fact that I forgot how the breathing was supposed to work (note: thanks to the nurses and my wife for refreshing my memory). But these aren't the kind of differences I'm talking about.
As I walked in to the hospital on December 28th, a since of familiarity rushed over me. I'd been here before. I'm not referring to the hospital, but to this place in life. Nearly 2 years ago, I was checking my wife and myself into a room in the labor and delivery ward; and on this day, I found myself doing it again. As I sat on the "cozy" loveseat in our room, I patiently listened to the nurse go over all the necessary paperwork and expectations with my soon-to-be induced wife. I kind of zoned in and out, because, afterall, I'd heard it all before. The whole experience was becoming kind of anti-climactic - almost as if it wasn't as special because it was the 2nd time around. Little did I know that God was about to give me a rude awakening.
As labor progressed, I worked hard at resuming my role as breathing coach and supportive husband. But I often found myself checking the clock not only in anticipation of the arrival of this new little guy, but also with inpatience as I wondered "When is this going to end?" Again, I think I'd convinced myself that this time just wasn't going to be as special, so I just wanted to get it over with....afterall, I did remember how much I hated seeing my bride in so much pain. However, as labor intensified, I started to feel the same feelings I had 2 years ago......feelings of fear as I watched the delivery......feelings of excitement as I was about to meet my new baby boy after a long 9 months of waiting......feelings of awe as I thought about how amazing God is that He formed this child in his mother's womb. I started having glimpses of my first son's birth. I remembered his HUGE head. I remembered how he didn't breath for about 10 seconds (the longest 10 seconds of my life). I remembered how his lifeless purple body changed to a glorious peach as God breathed in him the breath of life. God had reminded me of not only how amazing He is, but also, how honored I was to be a part of this experience for a second time.
However, God had one final display of His awe in store for me. He didn't show me by growing a huge baby as Liam was quite a bit smaller than Casen. He didn't show me by having me wait 10 seconds for Liam to take his first breath as Liam came out kicking and screaming. But what he had in store for me was quite different than what I experienced 2 years ago; and quite AWEsome to say the least. After the good doctor gently pulled Liam from his mother's womb (and nearly dropping him I might add) she gently placed him on his mother's chest. This was familiar ground again. I am very fond of the memory I have when I saw my wife look at our first born for the first time. It was her reaction that brings tears to my eyes to this day. So when the good doctor laid our newly born baby upon my wife's chest, I zeroed in on my wife's face as I waited for her amazing reaction. But it wasn't upon my wife's face where God would show His awe and glory, but upon the face of my newly born son. I watched mother and son gaze into each other's eyes and time stood still. It seemed they were communicating telepathically as if they were saying to each other, "Hello there. I've waited a long time for this moment. We are finally together." Then God did it. Because the most amazing thing happened next - he smiled.
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