In marriage (or couples) counseling, this question often comes up in one way or another. A wife might say, "I love my husband unconditionally, but I don't believe he does." Or, a husband might make the claim that he does certain things because he loves his wife unconditionally. But can it really be done? Afterall, we know the Lord loves us with unconditional (agape) love. But did he set up the marital relationship to function in the same capacity as his relationship with us?
It is hard for me to make the claim that one can love their spouse unconditionally. Marriage is a give and take relationship. We expect certain exchanges to take place, if they don't the marriage tends to deteriorate. There are popular books that center around this thought like His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Both of these books focus on how making the necessary exchanges in the marital relationship is key to the vitality of the relationship. Harley uses the analogy of the "Love Bank." If we are only making withdrawals from our spouse's love bank and not making any deposits, we'll experience a deficit in the relationship.
Look at it this way. Have you paid attention to how hard it is to make a marriage work? We have to make a decision every day to love our spouses and stay in the relationship. Some days this is very easy for most, but there are other days that this is very difficult. Now, how hard is it for us to make this decision with our children? For most parents, although sometimes we don't enjoy being parents, we would not consider for a second giving up our children. No matter how much they tire us out or how much they hurt us or how much they interrupt our lives, we still choose them. Why, you might ask? Well, because we CAN love our children unconditionally. If our spouses treated us like our kids often do, we'd have a hard time justifying the marriage.
Although I don't believe unconditional love exists in the marital relationship, we can have unconditional commitment. Do the words "Til death do us part" ring a bell? Everytime a couple enters my office for marriage counseling, they are doing their best to uphold this notion of "unconditional commitment." And having a strong sense of unconditional commitment is what often saves marriages.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I know you will do well in the counseling job, you are very good with words have a real talent for making people see things, EXCELLANT POST!!!!
ReplyDeleteI have a huge beef with Dr. Harley's books and ideas that unconditional love ruins marriages. (Yes, that's right, read his Marriage Busters website, and you will see his exact statement about unconditional love ruining marriages.)
ReplyDeleteI think we are commanded scripturally to have agape love for everyone. God is love, is He not? And are we not supposed to be showing this love to others? So why wouldn't we have unconditional love for our spouses? How are they different and undeserving?
The problem is that counselors have not really addressed that the other types of love that husband/wife has for one another. While sexual/romantic love is important in a marriage and can certainly add to the unity and meaningfulness of the relationship, it is UNCONDITIONAL love (as Christ has demonstrated towards His Bride) that will strongly undergird a marriage.
I find it sad that Dr. Harley only addresses and focuses on the eros type of love. He seems to make an idol out of it, and in doing so legitmizes infidelity, blames it on the spouse who did not commit the infidelity, and preys on the insecurities of both men and women. This is not Biblical in nature. I am confused and concerned that Christian spiritual leaders dispense this book like candy to their congregation members. After reading the book and perusing his website, Marriage Builders, I am convinced it's total priority is sexual fulfillment for men without any scriptural parameters for keeping the marital bed pure. "If it feels good, do it."
I could say more.
Unconditional love must exist in marriages. Beyond the shallownees of "sexual fulfillment", "men need attractive wives", "women need financial security" and such human felt needs, there must be the strong foundation of unconditional/agape love! What happens when a young woman, suffers a stroke following the use of birth control pills (she was previously healthy), and she can no longer sexually fulfill her new husband? (In more cases than not, she is abandoned. Dr. Harley would see this as okay. Christ would not.) What happens when a man is axed from his job due to the econony and can no longer provide financially the luxuries his wife has long enjoyed? What happens when we don't look like we did when we walked down the aisle? What happens when we are not the perfect ideal that our spouses' imagined we should be? We can't be perfect.
Unconditional love is necessary. Marriage is not about our happiness. It was created to glorify God - not us!
While we cannot be perfect, we still must work towards loving EVERYONE unconditionally.
By the way, unconditional love does NOT mean that accountability and consequences are thrown out the window. An abused woman can still be demonstrating unconditional love for her husband as she has him carted off to prison. It is not hate to hold someone accountable.
And we say, "Til death do we part" many times because when we die, we as Christians will not be married in heaven. There would be an awful lot of widowed bigamists if that were the case. Who needs to be married in heaven to an earthly spouse when the WEDDINGS of ALL WEDDINGS TAKES PLACE?!
John 13:34-35
34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
Unconditional love is what Christ asks of all of His disciples. Married or single.
Emily
Hey Emily,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your post. You make some real valid points. I will be honest with you, I am not a huge fan of His Needs Her Needs her needs either, mainly because I don't like the idea that NEED others to perform in certain ways so that we can function happily. God is the only one who can truly meet our needs. Aside from that, the love one has in a marriage (eros) is conditional. But you are right, we should unconditionally love (agape) our spouse despite what is going on in the marriage. The marriage doesn't have to be good to have unconditional love. So what does unconditional love look like in a marriage? I think it translate into unconditional commitment. I have lots of clients who have this kind of love. It is their unconditional commitment/love that has them in my office to begin with. Without it, most people just throw in the towell.
Hey, thanks for your post. I can tell you are very passionate about the subject. It is good to know there are others out there who hold the union of marriage in high esteem. Take care and God bless.