The Intentional Marriage

I recently heard the following story:

A young couple, recently married, decided to spend some quality time together by going for a stroll one fall evening in their neighborhood. The young husband threw on some gray jogging pants and a long-sleeved shirt. He happened to finish dressing in his walking attire a little before his bride. He said, "Hey Babe. I'm all ready to go, so I think I'll go outside and stretch. I'll meet you out there." As he stepped outside, he noticed it was a bit chilly. It wasn't overly cold, but the wind added just enough of a sting to make one wish they had on a jacket. So he rushed back in to get his jacket; 30 seconds and he was back outside stretching. Meanwhile, his lovely new wife finished putting on her walking clothes and joined him outside and they began their stroll. After a good 10 minutes into their walk, the young husband noticed his wife was rubbing her arms somewhat fierce - she was cold. He didn't notice when she came out that she did not have on her jacket. So, calmly and very gentleman-like, the young husband unzipped his jacket, took it off, threw it around his bride and said, "You must be freezing. Please wear mine. Don't worry, I'll be fine." She smiled in appreciation and love and they continued with their walk.


Thirty-five years and three grown kids later, the couple found themselves going out for an evening stroll yet again. The husband, once again, made it outside before his bride. Coincidentally, the weather that evening was quite similar to the walk they took 35 years ago. It was a fall evening and the wind blew just hard enough to inflict a stinging sensation on the skin. But, yet again, this didn't stop the couple from going on their walk. Because of the stinging wind, the husband made sure he had on a jacket to protect his bare arms. Soon enough, his wife came out of the house in a rush ready to get on with the walk. As she made it to her husband, he noticed she did not have on a jacket. He gently grabbed her hand. She turned toward him confused by the hold up. He tenderly placed both hands on her shoulders as if he were about to rub her cold bare arms. Then he spoke these words, "WOMAN! ARE YOU CRAZY?"

What happens in a marriage that we just quit trying as hard? One of the most common goals set by couples in marriage counseling from my experience is "To grow closer to one another." Romance and intimacy, two very important aspects of a healthy marriage, seems to have faded over time for many of these couples.

In marriage, there is a strong temptation to get lazy, especially for highly committed couples. Afterall, we said our "I do's," the rings are in place, and we know we are in it for the long haul. What more does the relationship need? This is a very dangerous mentality. It reminds me of the story we've all heard of the wife complaining to her husband that "he never tells me he loves me." And his response is......."I told you I loved you when we got married. If it ever changes, I'll let you know." Yes, a funny story to tell, but that mentality kills marriages.

We need to make our marriages intentional. "What does that mean?" you might ask. Well, simply stated, it means that every morning when you wake up, you intend to behave in such a way that will nourish and strengthen your relationship with your spouse. This can sometimes be fun

as you plan enjoyable activities or attempt to be spontaneous. This can also be difficult as you make sure you are discussing problematic issues (e.g., hurt feelings, finances, etc.). Regardless of whether or not being intentional means fun or difficulty for your marriage, it nearly always means WORK. You've heard the quote, "Marriage is work." Well, this is the work portion.

I'm interested in your thoughts regarding what an "Intentional Marriage" means to you. Also, men, please take a look at this article that was published in MetroFamily Magazine out of OKC (I was interviewed in it). It has some great tips for making your marriage intentional. Women, this magazine will have an article published just for you come June 2010. I will post it when it comes out in a few days. Again....your thoughts are appreciated.

Depression: Supporting Your Loved One

Depression has haunted mankind since the beginning of time. When I think of depression, the image that comes to mind is that of the Smoke Monster from ABC's hit series Lost (you know I had to work in Lost into this conversation....this is the final season). For those of you who aren't fans, I'll describe it this way. Depression acts like a black cloud seeking it's next victim. No matter how much of us it devours, it is never quite satisfied. It is a subtle evil, constantly in pursuit of its next victim; and if we are not careful it will eat us alive.

Many people struggle with the questions, "What am I suppose to do when someone I care about is dealing with depression? How can I help?"  Here are a few suggestions you should take into consideration as you help your friend or loved one through the dark times:

1. Do a self-assessment. Ask yourself if you are strong enough to help bear this burden (Gal. 6:2). If you are dealing with a lot in your own life and/or with your family, then you might not be the one that this person needs. If not, then you best move is to connect them with a person or persons that can be the burden-bearer. If you decide you can be this person, move on to suggestion #2.
2. Get into their world. Jesus was awesome at this. We read in John 11:35 that "Jesus wept." When he did this, he provided Mary and Martha exactly what they needed from him as they were grieving the loss of their brother. So, when you get into someone's world, you have to....
3. Put aside your own anxiety and fears. Your feelings of helplessness will tempt you to want to solve the problem. This makes their depression about you and you communicate to them you can't handle it. But if you listen to their story and you hurt with them, you'll find that there is lots of therapy in that kind of behavior. You'll also find that most people have good reason to feel depressed, just as Job did in Job 2. Job even resorted to self-injury as he sat in the ash scraping off his sores. When we read the story of Job, most of us understand his depression. This is easy for us because we are not emotionally connected to Job. It is a lot harder to do when we are emotionally connected to someone and we see them hurting.
4. Determine your role. What role does this person need you to play as part of their support system?
5. Set boundaries. Don't fall into the trap where you find yourself bearing the entire load (see Gal. 6:5).  Not only will you do them a disservice by rescuing them, you will also be doing yourself (and possibly your family) a disservice as you run the risk of falling beneath the weight of this extra load that you have taken on single-handedly.
6. Be prepared to suggest professional help.  Many people keep important phone numbers handy in case of an emergency.  We all know people who have the phone numbers to the local police, firestation, ambulance service, etc.  I think we should also have numbers to one or two mental health professionals. But if you realize that your friend or loved one's depression is not getting better after a few weeks, it might be time to make a referral.  Note: Call 911 or get your loved one to the ER if you feel they are suicidal or homicidal. 

I hope you find these suggestions helpful as you offer support for your friends and loved ones that have the Smoke Monster in their lives.  As always, your thoughts and questions are always appreciated.