Teens + Dating = Highly ANXIOUS Parents

To the NEW parents out there: What does it do for you to think that your babies will be dating in the near future? Can you recall some of the things you did while you were dating?

To SEASONED parents: What was it like for you when your kids started dating? How did you handle your anxiety?

Dating is a milestone that most teens look forward to; however, second to driving, it is probably the most dreaded for parents. Why is that? Well, because we've been there. We know about the curiosity that lingers in a teenage mind. We know about the here-and-now mindset that teens live in and that the word "consequences" often doesn't seem to even be in their vocabulary. This causes us much anxiety. So, what do we do? Here are some helpful tips for discussing dating with your teen.

1. Beware of your own anxiety. Often parents allow their anxiety to drive their behaviors. Parents should work hard at staying calm and connected when discussing dating or situations related to dating with their teens. Anxiety only communicates to them that you can't handle it.  
2. Be excited for them. This is an important milestone in your teen's life; thus, you need to be as supportive as possible.  
3. Set the rules for dating. Let them know what you expect (e.g., curfew, etc.) of them. After all, dating is a privilege and they need to be responsible with that privilege.  
4. Focus on the "Do's" instead of the "Don'ts." Let me start by saying, that I think it is okay to state what is inappropriate because of the negative consequences involved. But, more importantly, parents should work hard at helping their teens think about what they should be doing in undertaking this privilege known as dating. Teens should be focused on RIGHTEOUSNESS (i.e., doing what is right) instead of focusing on the line they aren't suppose to cross. If they are focused on the line, then they will typically see how close they can get without crossing it. However, if they are pursuing righteousness, then there is really no need to look back at where you are NOT supposed to be. Thus, help them determine what is "right" in a dating relationship.

I have had the privilege via church camp of working with young men who are in the beginning stages of their interest in girls and dating. I would like to close by sharing with you my approach in helping them think critically about this idea of pursuing righteousness (note: this can also be used with young ladies as well).

I start off by asking them to picture their ideal wife. I ask them to tell me about her. What does she look like? What is her character like? What are her interests? Is she a Christian? Don't let their answers scare you. Spend a little time here and have a laugh or two. Then, I say, chances are, that person is existing and living her life somewhere in this world. She might even be your age; thus, she is still a teenager and probably living with her parents. What kind of parents do you hope she has? How do you hope she is being treated at home? Remember, this is your future wife we are talking about here. Next, I tell them that before you meet her, chances are she will date a few guys and maybe even fall in love a couple of times before she meets you. Therefore, as she begins dating, what kind of guys would you like her to stay away from? What kind of guys would you like her to be dating until she meets you? Then, I ask, this very important question: Will you grant the future husbands of the girls you date the same curtosy and respect?

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts. Good luck on your parenting journey.

Dangers in Second Guessing Your Children

As parents, we want to raise our children to be self-sufficient, decisive, confident adults. There are many aspects of parenting that contributes to the outcome; the componant I'd like to discuss is How we talk to our children. You might be thinking, "Duh, we know that screaming and yelling and belittling our chldren is emotionally damaging." This is true, however, I'm talking about something more subtle; something more accepted; something very easy to fall victim to.

Have you ever given your child a decision and when they make it, you ask, "Are you sure?" Or have they ever said they want something and you say to them, "Ah, you don't want that." These are common phrases used among parents across the world. How could they be harmful? Afterall, we are their parents; we know what is best for them.

As parents we need to be extra careful about doing or saying things that influences our children to second guess themselves, even if we think we know better. Obviously we need to protect our children from life's dangers, but as long as our kids aren't in danger, we need to allow them to make decisions and let them see those decisions through. If it doesn't work out for them, then lesson learned. If it does, then it is a victory. Either way,THEY GET TO OWN IT! This is on way confidence is built, especially as they experience more and more successes.

What are your thoughts on this matter?