Divorce-Proofing Your Marriage: In-Laws Don't Have to be Outlaws

We often cut up and joke about our in-laws.  Mother-in-laws seem to have it the worst as they have become the butt of many jokes.  As I write this a commercial just came on poking fun at mother-in-laws.  The reality is that in-laws are a source of contention for many married couples.  As a marriage and family therapist, I can't even begin to count how many times I have had conversations with couples on this very matter.  But what if your in-laws could actually help your marriage?  What if your in-laws could actually benefit your commitment to your marriage? I actually believe this is possible.

Here is my challenge to you as one of many ways to divorce-proof your marriage - Fall in LOVE with your IN-LAWS.  You might be thinking, "WHAT?!"  Yes, work hard at loving your in-laws.  This will be harder for some than others (and maybe impossible for many).  However, if you can fall in-love with your in-laws, when things get tough in your marriage, it becomes one more thing you have set in place that encourages you to hang in there; because if you lose your spouse to divorce, you will most likely lose his/her parents as well.  Therefore, loving your in-laws gives you more incentive to keep your marriage healthy or, if it isn't healthy, to work hard at getting it that way.  On the other hand, a bad relationship with your in-laws just makes it easier to give up.

As I mentioned, falling in love with your in-laws will be harder for some than others.  However, I encourage you to put out some effort to build lasting relationships with them anyway.  Your marriage will be better for it.  As always, your thoughts are welcomed.

Teens + Dating = Highly ANXIOUS Parents

To the NEW parents out there: What does it do for you to think that your babies will be dating in the near future? Can you recall some of the things you did while you were dating?

To SEASONED parents: What was it like for you when your kids started dating? How did you handle your anxiety?

Dating is a milestone that most teens look forward to; however, second to driving, it is probably the most dreaded for parents. Why is that? Well, because we've been there. We know about the curiosity that lingers in a teenage mind. We know about the here-and-now mindset that teens live in and that the word "consequences" often doesn't seem to even be in their vocabulary. This causes us much anxiety. So, what do we do? Here are some helpful tips for discussing dating with your teen.

1. Beware of your own anxiety. Often parents allow their anxiety to drive their behaviors. Parents should work hard at staying calm and connected when discussing dating or situations related to dating with their teens. Anxiety only communicates to them that you can't handle it.  
2. Be excited for them. This is an important milestone in your teen's life; thus, you need to be as supportive as possible.  
3. Set the rules for dating. Let them know what you expect (e.g., curfew, etc.) of them. After all, dating is a privilege and they need to be responsible with that privilege.  
4. Focus on the "Do's" instead of the "Don'ts." Let me start by saying, that I think it is okay to state what is inappropriate because of the negative consequences involved. But, more importantly, parents should work hard at helping their teens think about what they should be doing in undertaking this privilege known as dating. Teens should be focused on RIGHTEOUSNESS (i.e., doing what is right) instead of focusing on the line they aren't suppose to cross. If they are focused on the line, then they will typically see how close they can get without crossing it. However, if they are pursuing righteousness, then there is really no need to look back at where you are NOT supposed to be. Thus, help them determine what is "right" in a dating relationship.

I have had the privilege via church camp of working with young men who are in the beginning stages of their interest in girls and dating. I would like to close by sharing with you my approach in helping them think critically about this idea of pursuing righteousness (note: this can also be used with young ladies as well).

I start off by asking them to picture their ideal wife. I ask them to tell me about her. What does she look like? What is her character like? What are her interests? Is she a Christian? Don't let their answers scare you. Spend a little time here and have a laugh or two. Then, I say, chances are, that person is existing and living her life somewhere in this world. She might even be your age; thus, she is still a teenager and probably living with her parents. What kind of parents do you hope she has? How do you hope she is being treated at home? Remember, this is your future wife we are talking about here. Next, I tell them that before you meet her, chances are she will date a few guys and maybe even fall in love a couple of times before she meets you. Therefore, as she begins dating, what kind of guys would you like her to stay away from? What kind of guys would you like her to be dating until she meets you? Then, I ask, this very important question: Will you grant the future husbands of the girls you date the same curtosy and respect?

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts. Good luck on your parenting journey.

Dangers in Second Guessing Your Children

As parents, we want to raise our children to be self-sufficient, decisive, confident adults. There are many aspects of parenting that contributes to the outcome; the componant I'd like to discuss is How we talk to our children. You might be thinking, "Duh, we know that screaming and yelling and belittling our chldren is emotionally damaging." This is true, however, I'm talking about something more subtle; something more accepted; something very easy to fall victim to.

Have you ever given your child a decision and when they make it, you ask, "Are you sure?" Or have they ever said they want something and you say to them, "Ah, you don't want that." These are common phrases used among parents across the world. How could they be harmful? Afterall, we are their parents; we know what is best for them.

As parents we need to be extra careful about doing or saying things that influences our children to second guess themselves, even if we think we know better. Obviously we need to protect our children from life's dangers, but as long as our kids aren't in danger, we need to allow them to make decisions and let them see those decisions through. If it doesn't work out for them, then lesson learned. If it does, then it is a victory. Either way,THEY GET TO OWN IT! This is on way confidence is built, especially as they experience more and more successes.

What are your thoughts on this matter?

The Sex Talk

I hear lots of stories about how parents chose to have the "sex talk" with their children.  A professor of mine said he was just sitting on his bed one evening when the door opened, a book flew in, the door shut.  He said his parents didn't discuss the subject at all, but he read the book cover-to-cover.  Those of us with children know that the day is nearing when we'll need to have the sex talk with our kids (some sooner than others).  However, there are a couple of questions we struggle with, for example: (1) When do we do it? and (2) How do we do it?  I hope to help you out with these questions.

When we discuss sex with our children, we to focus on the positive aspects of sex as well as the emotional componants. David Schnarch, a sex therapy expert, says that our sexual prime actually occurs later in life because of the emotional growth involved. Also, in the church, we tend to tell our teens to wait to have sex until they are married. In other words, premarital sex is wrong.....you're NOT supposed to do it! This is true, however, it should not be our focus. We need to be communicating to our children that sex is something beautiful and awesome and a GIFT FROM GOD! But it is to be experienced in the context of marriage. And sex gets better as the marriage develops. A lot of times, teens feel like if they don't have sex while young, they'll miss out on the best sex of their lives. This is absolutely NOT true.

Control your anxiety when discussing sex with your children.  I have two thoughts about why children feel "weird" when parents discuss sex. (1) Someone else beat you to the punch; probably one of their friends (which means they were probably misinformed). Our children really need to learn about sex first from their parents for a couple reasons. One, so they get the right information. And, secondly, so they it doesn't become a taboo topic. Consider having the "sex talk" in stages, so it won't be so uncomfortable for your children. (2) Your own anxiety got in the way. You children are radars for your anxiety. If you feel "wierd" or uncomfortable, your children will pick up on this; thus, you send them the wrong message when it comes to something so beautiful. Although we should maintain certain boundaries when discussiong sex, it should never be a taboo topic. If you show discomfort with the issue of sex, your children will quickly learn that you can't handle this very intriguing topic; therefore, they will seek to have their curiousity fulfilled elsewhere. It is imperative that you provide them a safe enviroment to discuss their questions and concerns regarding sex; this requires you to keep your anxiety at bay.

Take it in stride. As far as "how soon" do we discuss sex with our children, I recommend to take it in stages.  Tell your children little by little. Let your children guide you. Entertain their questions. Ask them questions in return. Don't ignore signs that they are getting interested (e.g., making their dolls kiss). There are some great books out there that can help you. You'll just have to research them and make an executive decision on how appropriate they are for the age of your children. For example, check out "Where Did I Come From?" The Facts of Life Without Any Nonsense and With Illustrations. Keep in mind, you want to teach your kids about sex before their friends do....so, don't wait to long. I will close this entry with a joke:

A young child came to his father and said, "Daddy, what is sex?" Dad's eyes grew to size of baseballs. He was totally unprepared for this question. But regardless of his surprize, he sat his son down and answered his son's question in as much detail as possible. When he had finished, he noticed that now his son's eyes had grown to size of baseballs. The look on his son's face made him wonder what spurred his son to ask this question in the first place. Thus, the dad said, "How come you wanted to know?" at which the son replied, "Because Mom told me dinner would be done in a few secs."

Good luck!

Insecurity: A Destroyer of Relationships

We all know people that we would classify as selfish or self-serving.  But what is it about their behavior that makes us put these labels on them?  How come we are moved to comment on their selfishness?  It is because in some way, shape, or form, we have been hurt or offended by their self-serving behavior. 

BUT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT SELFISHNESS OR INSECURITY?

We typically use the label "selfish" to describe someone who appears to have more concern for his/herself over the well-being of others.  This term might be appropriate at times.  However, I think the majority of times we are instead dealing with someone bearing heightened levels of insecurity.

We are all insecure to some degree.  But a mature person is aware of their insecurities and, therefore, works hard to understand them so that their insecurities don't skew their reality and thereby dictate their behavior. That's what "insecurity" does.....it creates an alternate and often flawed logic.  We all, at times, fall victim to this distorted logic.  However, the mature and "secure" (or should I say, "the less insecure") eventually recognize the error and, thus, get back on the safe trail of rational logic.  On the other hand, we find the extremely insecure camped out in this wilderness of flawed logic.   

People with heightened levels of insecurity often play the victim and have trouble thinking outside themselves, which is why we often label them as "selfish."   Many are paranoid and have the tendency to take everything personal. 

No one likes the feeling of insecurity.....not even the extremely insecure like feeling insecure. 

When this happens, the extremely insecure work very hard to acheive stability and security.  However, they do so using flawed logic.  Remember, they have been living in a wilderness of irrational thought.  So, they often want to borrow the security of others to help them feel more stable.  David Schnarch calls this "borrowed functioning."  Do you ever feel drained after being around someone who is extremely insecure?  Well, that is what they do.  You feel drained because they need to use your functioning to feel good about themselves.  But, their efforts to become stable by borrowing the functioning of others often include behaviors the ends up hurting others. What is frustrating is that they don't even realize they are hurting others; but how can they when they are heavily focused on acheiving self-stability or security.  Remember, they have a very hard time thinking outside themselves.  Therefore, in our frustration, we label them "selfish" and try to move on.

Children have the same problem. They operate with flawed logic.  My 2 yr old believes that acquiring a certain toy "right now" will bring him all the happiness and stability he'll ever need.  And if he doesn't get it "now" he will have missed his ONLY opportunity for such a life.  He doesn't understand in the moment that if he let's someone else play with the toy, it will still be there for him to play with and enjoy later on. Part of our job as parents is to help our children develop rational thought. We can also do the same for our friends and family who have been caught up in a web of irrational thought.

Here are some suggestions for you next time you encounter some you would classify as "insecure" or "selfish":

1. Recognize that you have outgrown them. If you take the approach that you are more mature than they are, you are less likely to let their immature behaviors get to you.
2. Determine what game they are playing. In other words, think about how the insecure one attempts to manipulate. Ask yourself, "How does s/he borrow my functioning?
3. Decide you will no longer play that game, but,  you will play your own game instead. As with children, decide what you will and will not stand for.  We are talking about "boundaries" here.  If a boundary you established has been violated, make sure you address it, but in a calm, mature way.  Remember that emotional reactivity means you are still playing their game of immaturity.
4. Always work hard at staying more mature.  Think of it as a contest: Who can behave the most maturely? Make sure you win.

We all encounter the extremely insecure.  I hope these suggestions will be helpful during your next encounter.  As always, your thoughts are greatly appreciated.