Parenting: Experiencing Fun Differently

My wife and two boys (ages 3 and 18 months) recently took a short family vacation to Branson, Missouri.  We had a blast!  This was our first real family vacation since our oldest boy was born.  I learned a valuable lesson while on this trip.  I had to learn to experience fun differently.  Before children, my wife and I could go to places like Silver Dollar City (SDC) and go crazy riding roller coasters and water rides.  We could stay in our hotel and watch movies, take a dip in the pool to cool off, or relax in the hot tub with no worries.  Well, all these experiences are not the same when you are a parent.  We pretty much stayed in the kiddie section at SDC.  We swam everyday but most of our time in the pool was spent watching the kiddos.  Even when we were relaxing in the hotel room we were tending to kids. But we still had so much fun!

Although I don't agree with the common thought that parents should center their lives around their children, I do think that parents have to learn to enjoy watching their children enjoy life.  That is exactly what we did.  Sure there were times my wife and I wished we could get away for bit by ourselves (and we were able to a couple of times because of other family members present willing to watch the kids), but our hearts smiled continuously as we watched our children play in the hotel pool or ride the train at SDC or play with their cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandparents.  My children had so many wonderful first experiences...I wouldn't have missed it for the world!

One final story:  At one point during our family vacation, I found myself having to discipline my 3 yr old for misbehavior.  I briefly caught myself thinking, "Here we are taking time out of our day and money out of our pockets to spend some quality time as a family, but instead I am having to tend to a screaming child."  This thought was short-lived, because I very quickly began to think to myself, "You know what?   Even though there are moments like this where some form of discipline is required, these kids need to have experiences like the ones they have had this week."  I felt like my sons and I grew so much closer during our time at Branson, even though they had to sit in time-out on occasion. 

So next time you find yourself feeling a little robbed because you are having to give up your personal time and money for your children. Try to remember that you are facilitating important experiences in their lives; and you being a part of that will help you and your children grow closer together.  You can't put a price tag on building your relationship with your children.

Good luck and God bless you in your parenting endeavors.

Lesson in COMMUNICATION from a 3-Year Old

The other day my 3 yr old son was playing with the musical Tigger doll as seen in the picture. The way it works is that you press the button on his left foot and he does a song and dance while lighting up. However, the problem with this particular Tigger doll is that there is some sort of malfunction in the button on his foot. To get him to work, you have to press and hold the button the entire time or else Tigger stops singing and dancing. Well, as my son was trying to get Tigger to work, I heard him say in very cute, by high-pitched tone, “I can’t do it, Dad.” So I said to him, “You have to hold it.” So he did just that. He proceeded to lift up Tigger and set him in his lap. Then he looked back at me as if to say, “Now what?” Struggling not to laugh, I said, “No, you have to squeeze it.” My son looked at Tigger while pondering my suggestion. He slowly lifted his hand and then squeezed Tigger’s nose. I busted out laughing at this point. HE WAS SO CUTE! He was completely misunderstanding what I meant, but all the while doing exactly as I instructed him to.

We often find ourselves having the same form of miscommunication in our relationships. However, in a marriage or a parent-adolescent relationship the miscommunication isn’t as cute as seen here with my 3 yr old. It is almost as if we just cannot understand how our spouse or teenager, for instance, could ever interpret our requests or suggestions as anything other than the way we pictured in our minds. One thing we need to understand when it comes to learning to effectively communicate is that misinterpretations don’t go away with age. We are no better at mind-reading at 30 yrs old than we were at 3 yrs old. Effective communication is a skill that can be taught, but never mastered. We owe it to ourselves and to those we care about to continually work hard at improving our communication skills. One lesson I hope you take from this post is that “mindreading” is a HUGE No-No! We should never assume the other person should “just know” what we are saying or talking about.

My 3 yr old is learning more and more about how to effectively communicate every day. Watching him grow and learn is an awesome experience. I think it is so neat when I get the privilege of seeing something “click” with him; to actually see him “get it.” When this happens to us as adults, the adorable-factor can be ruled out, but it can be a very rewarding experience still. So hang in there.

Teens + Dating = Highly ANXIOUS Parents

To the NEW parents out there: What does it do for you to think that your babies will be dating in the near future? Can you recall some of the things you did while you were dating?

To SEASONED parents: What was it like for you when your kids started dating? How did you handle your anxiety?

Dating is a milestone that most teens look forward to; however, second to driving, it is probably the most dreaded for parents. Why is that? Well, because we've been there. We know about the curiosity that lingers in a teenage mind. We know about the here-and-now mindset that teens live in and that the word "consequences" often doesn't seem to even be in their vocabulary. This causes us much anxiety. So, what do we do? Here are some helpful tips for discussing dating with your teen.

1. Beware of your own anxiety. Often parents allow their anxiety to drive their behaviors. Parents should work hard at staying calm and connected when discussing dating or situations related to dating with their teens. Anxiety only communicates to them that you can't handle it.  
2. Be excited for them. This is an important milestone in your teen's life; thus, you need to be as supportive as possible.  
3. Set the rules for dating. Let them know what you expect (e.g., curfew, etc.) of them. After all, dating is a privilege and they need to be responsible with that privilege.  
4. Focus on the "Do's" instead of the "Don'ts." Let me start by saying, that I think it is okay to state what is inappropriate because of the negative consequences involved. But, more importantly, parents should work hard at helping their teens think about what they should be doing in undertaking this privilege known as dating. Teens should be focused on RIGHTEOUSNESS (i.e., doing what is right) instead of focusing on the line they aren't suppose to cross. If they are focused on the line, then they will typically see how close they can get without crossing it. However, if they are pursuing righteousness, then there is really no need to look back at where you are NOT supposed to be. Thus, help them determine what is "right" in a dating relationship.

I have had the privilege via church camp of working with young men who are in the beginning stages of their interest in girls and dating. I would like to close by sharing with you my approach in helping them think critically about this idea of pursuing righteousness (note: this can also be used with young ladies as well).

I start off by asking them to picture their ideal wife. I ask them to tell me about her. What does she look like? What is her character like? What are her interests? Is she a Christian? Don't let their answers scare you. Spend a little time here and have a laugh or two. Then, I say, chances are, that person is existing and living her life somewhere in this world. She might even be your age; thus, she is still a teenager and probably living with her parents. What kind of parents do you hope she has? How do you hope she is being treated at home? Remember, this is your future wife we are talking about here. Next, I tell them that before you meet her, chances are she will date a few guys and maybe even fall in love a couple of times before she meets you. Therefore, as she begins dating, what kind of guys would you like her to stay away from? What kind of guys would you like her to be dating until she meets you? Then, I ask, this very important question: Will you grant the future husbands of the girls you date the same curtosy and respect?

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts. Good luck on your parenting journey.

Dangers in Second Guessing Your Children

As parents, we want to raise our children to be self-sufficient, decisive, confident adults. There are many aspects of parenting that contributes to the outcome; the componant I'd like to discuss is How we talk to our children. You might be thinking, "Duh, we know that screaming and yelling and belittling our chldren is emotionally damaging." This is true, however, I'm talking about something more subtle; something more accepted; something very easy to fall victim to.

Have you ever given your child a decision and when they make it, you ask, "Are you sure?" Or have they ever said they want something and you say to them, "Ah, you don't want that." These are common phrases used among parents across the world. How could they be harmful? Afterall, we are their parents; we know what is best for them.

As parents we need to be extra careful about doing or saying things that influences our children to second guess themselves, even if we think we know better. Obviously we need to protect our children from life's dangers, but as long as our kids aren't in danger, we need to allow them to make decisions and let them see those decisions through. If it doesn't work out for them, then lesson learned. If it does, then it is a victory. Either way,THEY GET TO OWN IT! This is on way confidence is built, especially as they experience more and more successes.

What are your thoughts on this matter?

The Sex Talk

I hear lots of stories about how parents chose to have the "sex talk" with their children.  A professor of mine said he was just sitting on his bed one evening when the door opened, a book flew in, the door shut.  He said his parents didn't discuss the subject at all, but he read the book cover-to-cover.  Those of us with children know that the day is nearing when we'll need to have the sex talk with our kids (some sooner than others).  However, there are a couple of questions we struggle with, for example: (1) When do we do it? and (2) How do we do it?  I hope to help you out with these questions.

When we discuss sex with our children, we to focus on the positive aspects of sex as well as the emotional componants. David Schnarch, a sex therapy expert, says that our sexual prime actually occurs later in life because of the emotional growth involved. Also, in the church, we tend to tell our teens to wait to have sex until they are married. In other words, premarital sex is wrong.....you're NOT supposed to do it! This is true, however, it should not be our focus. We need to be communicating to our children that sex is something beautiful and awesome and a GIFT FROM GOD! But it is to be experienced in the context of marriage. And sex gets better as the marriage develops. A lot of times, teens feel like if they don't have sex while young, they'll miss out on the best sex of their lives. This is absolutely NOT true.

Control your anxiety when discussing sex with your children.  I have two thoughts about why children feel "weird" when parents discuss sex. (1) Someone else beat you to the punch; probably one of their friends (which means they were probably misinformed). Our children really need to learn about sex first from their parents for a couple reasons. One, so they get the right information. And, secondly, so they it doesn't become a taboo topic. Consider having the "sex talk" in stages, so it won't be so uncomfortable for your children. (2) Your own anxiety got in the way. You children are radars for your anxiety. If you feel "wierd" or uncomfortable, your children will pick up on this; thus, you send them the wrong message when it comes to something so beautiful. Although we should maintain certain boundaries when discussiong sex, it should never be a taboo topic. If you show discomfort with the issue of sex, your children will quickly learn that you can't handle this very intriguing topic; therefore, they will seek to have their curiousity fulfilled elsewhere. It is imperative that you provide them a safe enviroment to discuss their questions and concerns regarding sex; this requires you to keep your anxiety at bay.

Take it in stride. As far as "how soon" do we discuss sex with our children, I recommend to take it in stages.  Tell your children little by little. Let your children guide you. Entertain their questions. Ask them questions in return. Don't ignore signs that they are getting interested (e.g., making their dolls kiss). There are some great books out there that can help you. You'll just have to research them and make an executive decision on how appropriate they are for the age of your children. For example, check out "Where Did I Come From?" The Facts of Life Without Any Nonsense and With Illustrations. Keep in mind, you want to teach your kids about sex before their friends do....so, don't wait to long. I will close this entry with a joke:

A young child came to his father and said, "Daddy, what is sex?" Dad's eyes grew to size of baseballs. He was totally unprepared for this question. But regardless of his surprize, he sat his son down and answered his son's question in as much detail as possible. When he had finished, he noticed that now his son's eyes had grown to size of baseballs. The look on his son's face made him wonder what spurred his son to ask this question in the first place. Thus, the dad said, "How come you wanted to know?" at which the son replied, "Because Mom told me dinner would be done in a few secs."

Good luck!

The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting

This past Saturday (Aug.7th), I was welcomed by the Wilshire Church of Christ in Oklahoma City to present an all-day parenting seminar. Thirty-five parents from the community and surrounding area attended. Post-seminar evaluations showed that participants were encouraged and enjoyed their overall experience. All the participants reported they would recommend this seminar to others.

Allow me the opportunity to explain in a little more detail this program, which I have entitled The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting.

“When you choose to become a parent, you are choosing to live a life of vulnerability.”


– Unknown Source

Parenting is one of the hardest things we’ll ever do. We are constantly in a state of vulnerability. Remember the first time you left your child with a babysitter? The first time they rode their bike without training wheels? Do you remember how vulnerable you felt? We don’t like feeling vulnerable, but it is required for effective parenting. After all, God made himself vulnerable to us by sending his Son to die for our sins (see John 3:16). To make ourselves vulnerable means to put ourselves at risk. When we apologize to our children, we run the risk of not being forgiven. When we expect good things from our children, we run the risk of being disappointed. The R.I.S.K.S. program offers parents more awareness, understanding, and skill building when it comes to this vulnerable endeavor known as parenting. Parenting is about taking R.I.S.K.S.

The R: Parenting is about the Relationship. Strong relationships are vital to parenting. “How do I get my children to behave?” should not be the first question we ask. “How do I build a close relationship with my child?” is a better place to start. If the parent-child relationship is strained, parenting becomes a more difficult, if not impossible, task.

The I: Parenting is about Integrity. Strong parenting demands a heightened sense of one’s own integrity. Parents often find themselves violating their integrity in effort to achieve compliance or obedience from their children. God has placed within us the feeling of “guilt” to help us know when we have compromised our integrity. Screaming, yelling, disconnecting, empty threats are just a few behaviors that typically generate feelings of guilt within the parent. These behaviors may or may not result in obedience, but, nonetheless, always do harm to the parent-child relationship.

The S: Parenting is about Structure. Structure makes up the environment in which one’s child has to grow up. There are four structural components that are essential in creating an environment that increases your child’s chances for success: (1) Hierarchy, (2) Boundaries, (3) Discipline, and (4) Instruction. The challenge is being able to implement these components in a way that strengthens the parent-child relationship instead of weakening it.

The K: Parenting is about Keeping the Faith. “Letting go and letting God,” also involves, “letting go and letting grow.” One of the hardest aspects of parenting is the knowledge that we are raising our children to not need us anymore. Thus, we are slowly working our children toward self-sufficiency and independence, which starts from the moment they are born.

The Other S: Parenting is about Self-Nurture. Our children need us at our best! We owe it to them to take care of ourselves first. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, uses the metaphor of putting on your own oxygen mask first before you assist anyone else, as flight attendants tell us before every flight. If you can’t breathe, you can’t help anyone! Jesus was excellent at taking care of himself (see Matthew 14:13, 23, 26:36-39 and Mark 1:35-38). Thus, taking care of self first is actually a very selfless act.

This information provides you a brief glimpse of what The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting program is all about. If you have any questions about this program or if you are interested in bringing R.I.S.K.S. to your church or community, please call (405-234-7209) or email me (joshua.nichols@alumni.oc.edu). I would be more than willing to further discuss this program with you. R.I.S.K.S brochures are available. Simply email me your address and I will get one sent to you right away. You can also contact the Wilshire Church of Christ (www.wilshirechurch.org) in Oklahoma City at 405-843-912 and speak with Jeremie Beller, (jeremie@wilshirechurch.org, their Congregational Minister, to hear about their experience with hosting R.I.S.K.S.

I hope that all of you who are parents are working hard at taking R.I.S.K.S. with your children so that they will be better equipped to face this difficult world when they are grown. God bless you in this journey.

Tips For Parents To Avoid Power Struggles

So when did having a strong will become such a bad things? The term "strong-willed child" has taken on a negative connotation. But isn't a strong will exactly what we hope our children will have? Afterall, it is our strong will that helps us perservere. It is our strong will that helps us pull ourselves up by our bootstraps after taking a bad fall. It is our strong will that often keeps us on a path of righteousness.

So what is it about having a "strong-willed child" that makes parenting so difficult? Most of the time it is because we want them to bend to our will. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, alludes that strong-willed children often have strong-willed parents because the frustrating componant stems from the battle of wills. We, as parents, don't want to lose the battle. But here's a very important question - Why should our children settle for losing?

This is a difficult issue to tackle, so I hope to just give you some tips to get your started in resolving this dilemma. However, if you feel you have tried everything and nothing works, then, I urge you to seek help from an expert to get a professional and objective opinion.

The answer to this dilemma is definately easier said than done. But allow me to say it anyway, "DON'T BATTLE WITH YOUR CHILDREN!" In other words, structure you interaction to avoid power struggles. Children are experts at playing the power struggle game. If they succeed in getting you to engage in a power struggle, then you have already lost. Children don't have much control over anything, but they desire it as much as adults do. Therefore, as parents, we need to make sure that we give them a little control. Here are some tips to avoid power struggles:

Give choices. For example: Do you want to wear your red coat or blue coat? If you don't choose, then I'll assume you want your blue coat. (Notice that you don't give a choice of whether or not to wear a coat. Not wearing a coat is not an option. You decide the options, but they make the choice.)

Embrace "No." Many parents hate it when their children tell them "no." We don't want to break them of this. Is this not a skill you want them to have when they are teenagers faced with difficult decisions? Therefore, work at redirecting them if they are saying "no" out of disobedience. You may discipline, but discipline the disobedience, not the fact they said "no." Don't say, for example, "You don't tell Mommy 'no'. Go sit in timeout."

Stay Calm; Stay Connected. When you recognize the potential for a power struggle, make a decision that you will not engage in warlike behavior with your child, but stay calm and connected instead. Whatever behavior your choose, make sure it reflects that of a grown-up. In other words, make sure you are behaving more maturely than your child.

Opt for a Win-Win Scenerio. As the adult, try to figure out how both you and your child can come out a winner. Allow your child to negotiate, which is very empowering for your child. There is no harm in that, afterall, you have the final decision. Avoid the "My way or the hi-way" approach. Be flexible.

I hope these tips will be helpful for you. Please let me know of any suggestions you may have that have proven successful for you and your family. As usual, any other comments or thoughts are welcomed.

Focus on Integrity

A couple of weeks ago, I heard a great lesson presented by Mark Taylor, from Memorial Road Church of Christ, entitled "How to Live with Spiritual Integrity." Mark did a great job emphasizing how we need to (1) keep our conscience clean (2 Corinthians 1:12) and (2) keep our conduct Christ-like. But how does integrity fit in the marital relationship? What role does it play in parenting?

When I am working with couples and parents in counseling, I emphasize the tremendous importance of behaving with integrity. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, points out that we actually need to work at raising our integrity. Behaving with integrity needs to be at the forefront of minds because it can be so easily compromised.

So, "What is integrity?" you might ask. Here's my definition: When your behavior accurately reflects your values, morals, and beliefs. Sounds simply, eh? Well, unfortunately, it's a lot easier said than done. You might be thinking, "I do this. I don't struggle with compromising my values, morals, and/or beliefs." If that is the case, then kudos for you. I hope there are others around you that learn from your example. But, many might think they don't struggle with this, but really do and just don't know it.

Living with integrity is especially hard in relationships because we have this part within us that tends to complicate things and cloud our judgement......a component of our being we like to call emotions. When our emotions drive our behaviors, we often find ourselves doing things that bring shame upon us. We often find ourselves in this predicament in our relationships because of the emotional connection that is shared. I will assume that most of you value marriage. So think about this, when things get tense in your marriage, how do you and/or your spouse treat each other? Do you yell and scream? Do you belittle or nag? Do you use sarcasm or put-downs? When we give into these urges, we have immediately compromised our integrity. What about the parent-child relationship? Most of us value that relationship as well. Therefore, have you found yourself making emotional outbursts toward your children? Do you not follow through with discipline or make empty threats? Do you ignore or disconnect from your children when things get tense? Do you neglect them the privilege of seeing you love their mother/father (2-parent families)? Again.........giving in to these temptations is an instantaneous compromise of integrity.

My encouragement and challenge for you is to NOT let the subtleties of these temptations creep up on you. Keep the thought that "I am to behave with integrity ALL the time" at the forefront of your mind, especially when things get tense. Work hard at staying rational and not letting your emotions take over. It's not easy, but it can be done.

Are You Worthy to be Called "Hero" by Your Children?

You may recall a time when you were a child when someone asked you about your "hero." Or, recently, someone may have asked you who you admired most when you were growing up. I have asked some form of this question to groups on multiple occasions (mostly as an icebreaker in Bible studies). Some of the more common answers are "my preacher/youth minister" "my grandfather/mother" and some times I'd get some weird ones, like "the guy who always handed out candy at church." Recently, I was told about a guy who handed out $100 bills to young couples so they could go out on dates. However, no doubt, in every group, someone will mention their mother and/or father. What is interesting to me though is that when these people say "my mom" or "my dad," they do so in a way where their demeanor communicates "sorry, this is all I have...." Its almost as if they are disappointed they didn't have a more intriguing answer to the question. My response is "Great!" I love to hear stories about good habits that people observed from their parents growing up. For instance, "I will always remember my dad reading his Bible every night in bed before he went to sleep" or "My mom gets up at 5:30 every morning and prays for about an hour before starting her day."

Someone recently asked me "Should every parent be their child's #1 hero?"My response was "No, but every parent should be a possible hero to their children." In other words, not every person will choose their parents when asked this question, but if they were to create a short list of heroes, their parents should be on it. You know, so often we are focused on our children's behavior, but a question that we need to constantly be asking ourselves as parents is "Have I been behaving in such a way that would constitute "hero" status in my child's eyes?" Notice the italics. The emphasis is on the "child's" perspective not the "parent's" perspective. Just because we think we are doing a good job, doesn't mean our children do. Our children's perspective is many ways is more important than our perspective when it comes to how we choose to parent them.

I have a nearly 2 yr old son and a son due any day now. I pray for their well being in almost every prayer I send up. I also pray that Amanda and I will be good parents and that we will grow our kids to be wonderful Christian young men. But, I also make sure to pray for the parents of my sons' future wives (assuming they will some day desire to marry). I pray that their wives are or will be part of a healthy home and that they will be nourished physically, mentally/emotionally, and spiritually. I pray that their parents will reach "hero" status in the eyes of their children.....in the eye's of my son's future wives.

To close out this entry, I pose the question to you one more time, "Have you been behaving in such away that constitutes "hero" status?" If your answer is "no," it is never too late to change. Remember, even if your kids are grown and gone, you are still a parent. So, as long as the parent-child relationship still exists, there is still hope things can turn around. I wish you all the best in your relationships.