The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting

This past Saturday (Aug.7th), I was welcomed by the Wilshire Church of Christ in Oklahoma City to present an all-day parenting seminar. Thirty-five parents from the community and surrounding area attended. Post-seminar evaluations showed that participants were encouraged and enjoyed their overall experience. All the participants reported they would recommend this seminar to others.

Allow me the opportunity to explain in a little more detail this program, which I have entitled The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting.

“When you choose to become a parent, you are choosing to live a life of vulnerability.”


– Unknown Source

Parenting is one of the hardest things we’ll ever do. We are constantly in a state of vulnerability. Remember the first time you left your child with a babysitter? The first time they rode their bike without training wheels? Do you remember how vulnerable you felt? We don’t like feeling vulnerable, but it is required for effective parenting. After all, God made himself vulnerable to us by sending his Son to die for our sins (see John 3:16). To make ourselves vulnerable means to put ourselves at risk. When we apologize to our children, we run the risk of not being forgiven. When we expect good things from our children, we run the risk of being disappointed. The R.I.S.K.S. program offers parents more awareness, understanding, and skill building when it comes to this vulnerable endeavor known as parenting. Parenting is about taking R.I.S.K.S.

The R: Parenting is about the Relationship. Strong relationships are vital to parenting. “How do I get my children to behave?” should not be the first question we ask. “How do I build a close relationship with my child?” is a better place to start. If the parent-child relationship is strained, parenting becomes a more difficult, if not impossible, task.

The I: Parenting is about Integrity. Strong parenting demands a heightened sense of one’s own integrity. Parents often find themselves violating their integrity in effort to achieve compliance or obedience from their children. God has placed within us the feeling of “guilt” to help us know when we have compromised our integrity. Screaming, yelling, disconnecting, empty threats are just a few behaviors that typically generate feelings of guilt within the parent. These behaviors may or may not result in obedience, but, nonetheless, always do harm to the parent-child relationship.

The S: Parenting is about Structure. Structure makes up the environment in which one’s child has to grow up. There are four structural components that are essential in creating an environment that increases your child’s chances for success: (1) Hierarchy, (2) Boundaries, (3) Discipline, and (4) Instruction. The challenge is being able to implement these components in a way that strengthens the parent-child relationship instead of weakening it.

The K: Parenting is about Keeping the Faith. “Letting go and letting God,” also involves, “letting go and letting grow.” One of the hardest aspects of parenting is the knowledge that we are raising our children to not need us anymore. Thus, we are slowly working our children toward self-sufficiency and independence, which starts from the moment they are born.

The Other S: Parenting is about Self-Nurture. Our children need us at our best! We owe it to them to take care of ourselves first. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, uses the metaphor of putting on your own oxygen mask first before you assist anyone else, as flight attendants tell us before every flight. If you can’t breathe, you can’t help anyone! Jesus was excellent at taking care of himself (see Matthew 14:13, 23, 26:36-39 and Mark 1:35-38). Thus, taking care of self first is actually a very selfless act.

This information provides you a brief glimpse of what The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting program is all about. If you have any questions about this program or if you are interested in bringing R.I.S.K.S. to your church or community, please call (405-234-7209) or email me (joshua.nichols@alumni.oc.edu). I would be more than willing to further discuss this program with you. R.I.S.K.S brochures are available. Simply email me your address and I will get one sent to you right away. You can also contact the Wilshire Church of Christ (www.wilshirechurch.org) in Oklahoma City at 405-843-912 and speak with Jeremie Beller, (jeremie@wilshirechurch.org, their Congregational Minister, to hear about their experience with hosting R.I.S.K.S.

I hope that all of you who are parents are working hard at taking R.I.S.K.S. with your children so that they will be better equipped to face this difficult world when they are grown. God bless you in this journey.

Focus on Integrity

A couple of weeks ago, I heard a great lesson presented by Mark Taylor, from Memorial Road Church of Christ, entitled "How to Live with Spiritual Integrity." Mark did a great job emphasizing how we need to (1) keep our conscience clean (2 Corinthians 1:12) and (2) keep our conduct Christ-like. But how does integrity fit in the marital relationship? What role does it play in parenting?

When I am working with couples and parents in counseling, I emphasize the tremendous importance of behaving with integrity. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, points out that we actually need to work at raising our integrity. Behaving with integrity needs to be at the forefront of minds because it can be so easily compromised.

So, "What is integrity?" you might ask. Here's my definition: When your behavior accurately reflects your values, morals, and beliefs. Sounds simply, eh? Well, unfortunately, it's a lot easier said than done. You might be thinking, "I do this. I don't struggle with compromising my values, morals, and/or beliefs." If that is the case, then kudos for you. I hope there are others around you that learn from your example. But, many might think they don't struggle with this, but really do and just don't know it.

Living with integrity is especially hard in relationships because we have this part within us that tends to complicate things and cloud our judgement......a component of our being we like to call emotions. When our emotions drive our behaviors, we often find ourselves doing things that bring shame upon us. We often find ourselves in this predicament in our relationships because of the emotional connection that is shared. I will assume that most of you value marriage. So think about this, when things get tense in your marriage, how do you and/or your spouse treat each other? Do you yell and scream? Do you belittle or nag? Do you use sarcasm or put-downs? When we give into these urges, we have immediately compromised our integrity. What about the parent-child relationship? Most of us value that relationship as well. Therefore, have you found yourself making emotional outbursts toward your children? Do you not follow through with discipline or make empty threats? Do you ignore or disconnect from your children when things get tense? Do you neglect them the privilege of seeing you love their mother/father (2-parent families)? Again.........giving in to these temptations is an instantaneous compromise of integrity.

My encouragement and challenge for you is to NOT let the subtleties of these temptations creep up on you. Keep the thought that "I am to behave with integrity ALL the time" at the forefront of your mind, especially when things get tense. Work hard at staying rational and not letting your emotions take over. It's not easy, but it can be done.