Divorce-Proofing Your Marriage: In-Laws Don't Have to be Outlaws

We often cut up and joke about our in-laws.  Mother-in-laws seem to have it the worst as they have become the butt of many jokes.  As I write this a commercial just came on poking fun at mother-in-laws.  The reality is that in-laws are a source of contention for many married couples.  As a marriage and family therapist, I can't even begin to count how many times I have had conversations with couples on this very matter.  But what if your in-laws could actually help your marriage?  What if your in-laws could actually benefit your commitment to your marriage? I actually believe this is possible.

Here is my challenge to you as one of many ways to divorce-proof your marriage - Fall in LOVE with your IN-LAWS.  You might be thinking, "WHAT?!"  Yes, work hard at loving your in-laws.  This will be harder for some than others (and maybe impossible for many).  However, if you can fall in-love with your in-laws, when things get tough in your marriage, it becomes one more thing you have set in place that encourages you to hang in there; because if you lose your spouse to divorce, you will most likely lose his/her parents as well.  Therefore, loving your in-laws gives you more incentive to keep your marriage healthy or, if it isn't healthy, to work hard at getting it that way.  On the other hand, a bad relationship with your in-laws just makes it easier to give up.

As I mentioned, falling in love with your in-laws will be harder for some than others.  However, I encourage you to put out some effort to build lasting relationships with them anyway.  Your marriage will be better for it.  As always, your thoughts are welcomed.

Lesson in COMMUNICATION from a 3-Year Old

The other day my 3 yr old son was playing with the musical Tigger doll as seen in the picture. The way it works is that you press the button on his left foot and he does a song and dance while lighting up. However, the problem with this particular Tigger doll is that there is some sort of malfunction in the button on his foot. To get him to work, you have to press and hold the button the entire time or else Tigger stops singing and dancing. Well, as my son was trying to get Tigger to work, I heard him say in very cute, by high-pitched tone, “I can’t do it, Dad.” So I said to him, “You have to hold it.” So he did just that. He proceeded to lift up Tigger and set him in his lap. Then he looked back at me as if to say, “Now what?” Struggling not to laugh, I said, “No, you have to squeeze it.” My son looked at Tigger while pondering my suggestion. He slowly lifted his hand and then squeezed Tigger’s nose. I busted out laughing at this point. HE WAS SO CUTE! He was completely misunderstanding what I meant, but all the while doing exactly as I instructed him to.

We often find ourselves having the same form of miscommunication in our relationships. However, in a marriage or a parent-adolescent relationship the miscommunication isn’t as cute as seen here with my 3 yr old. It is almost as if we just cannot understand how our spouse or teenager, for instance, could ever interpret our requests or suggestions as anything other than the way we pictured in our minds. One thing we need to understand when it comes to learning to effectively communicate is that misinterpretations don’t go away with age. We are no better at mind-reading at 30 yrs old than we were at 3 yrs old. Effective communication is a skill that can be taught, but never mastered. We owe it to ourselves and to those we care about to continually work hard at improving our communication skills. One lesson I hope you take from this post is that “mindreading” is a HUGE No-No! We should never assume the other person should “just know” what we are saying or talking about.

My 3 yr old is learning more and more about how to effectively communicate every day. Watching him grow and learn is an awesome experience. I think it is so neat when I get the privilege of seeing something “click” with him; to actually see him “get it.” When this happens to us as adults, the adorable-factor can be ruled out, but it can be a very rewarding experience still. So hang in there.

Tips for Speaking Your Spouses Love Language

Have you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman?  This is an excellent read.  The premise is quite simple: Men and women often attempt to show their spouses love in ways that they, themselves, would like to receive it.  However, we need to work at showing our spouses love in ways they desire.  I would encourage you and your spouse to check out this book.  Read it together and process the different love languages.

As you and your spouse work through this book,  I have 3 "Don'ts" to consider. First, (1) Don't Mind-read. In other words, don't assume you know what your spouse likes. Only your spouse can tell you this for certain, so don't be afraid to ask. Secondly, (2) Don't Assume Mind-reading. Remember that your spouse is not psychic. Your wants and desires are actually relationship components that you should discuss with your spouse and not expect them to "just know." And last, (3) Don't Downplay. Sometimes what your spouse's love language looks like might not make sense to you, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. As long as it isn't a compromise of your integrity or values, you need to show your spouse love in ways they desire....in ways that makes sense to them. You don't have to fully understand. All you have to know is that it is important to this person whom you love deeply.

As always, your thoughts are always welcomed.

(Note: This entry was inspired by a post on Missional Outreach Network by James Nored)

The Intentional Marriage

I recently heard the following story:

A young couple, recently married, decided to spend some quality time together by going for a stroll one fall evening in their neighborhood. The young husband threw on some gray jogging pants and a long-sleeved shirt. He happened to finish dressing in his walking attire a little before his bride. He said, "Hey Babe. I'm all ready to go, so I think I'll go outside and stretch. I'll meet you out there." As he stepped outside, he noticed it was a bit chilly. It wasn't overly cold, but the wind added just enough of a sting to make one wish they had on a jacket. So he rushed back in to get his jacket; 30 seconds and he was back outside stretching. Meanwhile, his lovely new wife finished putting on her walking clothes and joined him outside and they began their stroll. After a good 10 minutes into their walk, the young husband noticed his wife was rubbing her arms somewhat fierce - she was cold. He didn't notice when she came out that she did not have on her jacket. So, calmly and very gentleman-like, the young husband unzipped his jacket, took it off, threw it around his bride and said, "You must be freezing. Please wear mine. Don't worry, I'll be fine." She smiled in appreciation and love and they continued with their walk.


Thirty-five years and three grown kids later, the couple found themselves going out for an evening stroll yet again. The husband, once again, made it outside before his bride. Coincidentally, the weather that evening was quite similar to the walk they took 35 years ago. It was a fall evening and the wind blew just hard enough to inflict a stinging sensation on the skin. But, yet again, this didn't stop the couple from going on their walk. Because of the stinging wind, the husband made sure he had on a jacket to protect his bare arms. Soon enough, his wife came out of the house in a rush ready to get on with the walk. As she made it to her husband, he noticed she did not have on a jacket. He gently grabbed her hand. She turned toward him confused by the hold up. He tenderly placed both hands on her shoulders as if he were about to rub her cold bare arms. Then he spoke these words, "WOMAN! ARE YOU CRAZY?"

What happens in a marriage that we just quit trying as hard? One of the most common goals set by couples in marriage counseling from my experience is "To grow closer to one another." Romance and intimacy, two very important aspects of a healthy marriage, seems to have faded over time for many of these couples.

In marriage, there is a strong temptation to get lazy, especially for highly committed couples. Afterall, we said our "I do's," the rings are in place, and we know we are in it for the long haul. What more does the relationship need? This is a very dangerous mentality. It reminds me of the story we've all heard of the wife complaining to her husband that "he never tells me he loves me." And his response is......."I told you I loved you when we got married. If it ever changes, I'll let you know." Yes, a funny story to tell, but that mentality kills marriages.

We need to make our marriages intentional. "What does that mean?" you might ask. Well, simply stated, it means that every morning when you wake up, you intend to behave in such a way that will nourish and strengthen your relationship with your spouse. This can sometimes be fun

as you plan enjoyable activities or attempt to be spontaneous. This can also be difficult as you make sure you are discussing problematic issues (e.g., hurt feelings, finances, etc.). Regardless of whether or not being intentional means fun or difficulty for your marriage, it nearly always means WORK. You've heard the quote, "Marriage is work." Well, this is the work portion.

I'm interested in your thoughts regarding what an "Intentional Marriage" means to you. Also, men, please take a look at this article that was published in MetroFamily Magazine out of OKC (I was interviewed in it). It has some great tips for making your marriage intentional. Women, this magazine will have an article published just for you come June 2010. I will post it when it comes out in a few days. Again....your thoughts are appreciated.

Focus on Integrity

A couple of weeks ago, I heard a great lesson presented by Mark Taylor, from Memorial Road Church of Christ, entitled "How to Live with Spiritual Integrity." Mark did a great job emphasizing how we need to (1) keep our conscience clean (2 Corinthians 1:12) and (2) keep our conduct Christ-like. But how does integrity fit in the marital relationship? What role does it play in parenting?

When I am working with couples and parents in counseling, I emphasize the tremendous importance of behaving with integrity. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, points out that we actually need to work at raising our integrity. Behaving with integrity needs to be at the forefront of minds because it can be so easily compromised.

So, "What is integrity?" you might ask. Here's my definition: When your behavior accurately reflects your values, morals, and beliefs. Sounds simply, eh? Well, unfortunately, it's a lot easier said than done. You might be thinking, "I do this. I don't struggle with compromising my values, morals, and/or beliefs." If that is the case, then kudos for you. I hope there are others around you that learn from your example. But, many might think they don't struggle with this, but really do and just don't know it.

Living with integrity is especially hard in relationships because we have this part within us that tends to complicate things and cloud our judgement......a component of our being we like to call emotions. When our emotions drive our behaviors, we often find ourselves doing things that bring shame upon us. We often find ourselves in this predicament in our relationships because of the emotional connection that is shared. I will assume that most of you value marriage. So think about this, when things get tense in your marriage, how do you and/or your spouse treat each other? Do you yell and scream? Do you belittle or nag? Do you use sarcasm or put-downs? When we give into these urges, we have immediately compromised our integrity. What about the parent-child relationship? Most of us value that relationship as well. Therefore, have you found yourself making emotional outbursts toward your children? Do you not follow through with discipline or make empty threats? Do you ignore or disconnect from your children when things get tense? Do you neglect them the privilege of seeing you love their mother/father (2-parent families)? Again.........giving in to these temptations is an instantaneous compromise of integrity.

My encouragement and challenge for you is to NOT let the subtleties of these temptations creep up on you. Keep the thought that "I am to behave with integrity ALL the time" at the forefront of your mind, especially when things get tense. Work hard at staying rational and not letting your emotions take over. It's not easy, but it can be done.

Can Unconditional Love Exist in a Marriage?

In marriage (or couples) counseling, this question often comes up in one way or another. A wife might say, "I love my husband unconditionally, but I don't believe he does." Or, a husband might make the claim that he does certain things because he loves his wife unconditionally. But can it really be done? Afterall, we know the Lord loves us with unconditional (agape) love. But did he set up the marital relationship to function in the same capacity as his relationship with us?

It is hard for me to make the claim that one can love their spouse unconditionally. Marriage is a give and take relationship. We expect certain exchanges to take place, if they don't the marriage tends to deteriorate. There are popular books that center around this thought like His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Both of these books focus on how making the necessary exchanges in the marital relationship is key to the vitality of the relationship. Harley uses the analogy of the "Love Bank." If we are only making withdrawals from our spouse's love bank and not making any deposits, we'll experience a deficit in the relationship.

Look at it this way. Have you paid attention to how hard it is to make a marriage work? We have to make a decision every day to love our spouses and stay in the relationship. Some days this is very easy for most, but there are other days that this is very difficult. Now, how hard is it for us to make this decision with our children? For most parents, although sometimes we don't enjoy being parents, we would not consider for a second giving up our children. No matter how much they tire us out or how much they hurt us or how much they interrupt our lives, we still choose them. Why, you might ask? Well, because we CAN love our children unconditionally. If our spouses treated us like our kids often do, we'd have a hard time justifying the marriage.

Although I don't believe unconditional love exists in the marital relationship, we can have unconditional commitment. Do the words "Til death do us part" ring a bell? Everytime a couple enters my office for marriage counseling, they are doing their best to uphold this notion of "unconditional commitment." And having a strong sense of unconditional commitment is what often saves marriages.