The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting

This past Saturday (Aug.7th), I was welcomed by the Wilshire Church of Christ in Oklahoma City to present an all-day parenting seminar. Thirty-five parents from the community and surrounding area attended. Post-seminar evaluations showed that participants were encouraged and enjoyed their overall experience. All the participants reported they would recommend this seminar to others.

Allow me the opportunity to explain in a little more detail this program, which I have entitled The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting.

“When you choose to become a parent, you are choosing to live a life of vulnerability.”


– Unknown Source

Parenting is one of the hardest things we’ll ever do. We are constantly in a state of vulnerability. Remember the first time you left your child with a babysitter? The first time they rode their bike without training wheels? Do you remember how vulnerable you felt? We don’t like feeling vulnerable, but it is required for effective parenting. After all, God made himself vulnerable to us by sending his Son to die for our sins (see John 3:16). To make ourselves vulnerable means to put ourselves at risk. When we apologize to our children, we run the risk of not being forgiven. When we expect good things from our children, we run the risk of being disappointed. The R.I.S.K.S. program offers parents more awareness, understanding, and skill building when it comes to this vulnerable endeavor known as parenting. Parenting is about taking R.I.S.K.S.

The R: Parenting is about the Relationship. Strong relationships are vital to parenting. “How do I get my children to behave?” should not be the first question we ask. “How do I build a close relationship with my child?” is a better place to start. If the parent-child relationship is strained, parenting becomes a more difficult, if not impossible, task.

The I: Parenting is about Integrity. Strong parenting demands a heightened sense of one’s own integrity. Parents often find themselves violating their integrity in effort to achieve compliance or obedience from their children. God has placed within us the feeling of “guilt” to help us know when we have compromised our integrity. Screaming, yelling, disconnecting, empty threats are just a few behaviors that typically generate feelings of guilt within the parent. These behaviors may or may not result in obedience, but, nonetheless, always do harm to the parent-child relationship.

The S: Parenting is about Structure. Structure makes up the environment in which one’s child has to grow up. There are four structural components that are essential in creating an environment that increases your child’s chances for success: (1) Hierarchy, (2) Boundaries, (3) Discipline, and (4) Instruction. The challenge is being able to implement these components in a way that strengthens the parent-child relationship instead of weakening it.

The K: Parenting is about Keeping the Faith. “Letting go and letting God,” also involves, “letting go and letting grow.” One of the hardest aspects of parenting is the knowledge that we are raising our children to not need us anymore. Thus, we are slowly working our children toward self-sufficiency and independence, which starts from the moment they are born.

The Other S: Parenting is about Self-Nurture. Our children need us at our best! We owe it to them to take care of ourselves first. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, uses the metaphor of putting on your own oxygen mask first before you assist anyone else, as flight attendants tell us before every flight. If you can’t breathe, you can’t help anyone! Jesus was excellent at taking care of himself (see Matthew 14:13, 23, 26:36-39 and Mark 1:35-38). Thus, taking care of self first is actually a very selfless act.

This information provides you a brief glimpse of what The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting program is all about. If you have any questions about this program or if you are interested in bringing R.I.S.K.S. to your church or community, please call (405-234-7209) or email me (joshua.nichols@alumni.oc.edu). I would be more than willing to further discuss this program with you. R.I.S.K.S brochures are available. Simply email me your address and I will get one sent to you right away. You can also contact the Wilshire Church of Christ (www.wilshirechurch.org) in Oklahoma City at 405-843-912 and speak with Jeremie Beller, (jeremie@wilshirechurch.org, their Congregational Minister, to hear about their experience with hosting R.I.S.K.S.

I hope that all of you who are parents are working hard at taking R.I.S.K.S. with your children so that they will be better equipped to face this difficult world when they are grown. God bless you in this journey.

Tips For Parents To Avoid Power Struggles

So when did having a strong will become such a bad things? The term "strong-willed child" has taken on a negative connotation. But isn't a strong will exactly what we hope our children will have? Afterall, it is our strong will that helps us perservere. It is our strong will that helps us pull ourselves up by our bootstraps after taking a bad fall. It is our strong will that often keeps us on a path of righteousness.

So what is it about having a "strong-willed child" that makes parenting so difficult? Most of the time it is because we want them to bend to our will. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, alludes that strong-willed children often have strong-willed parents because the frustrating componant stems from the battle of wills. We, as parents, don't want to lose the battle. But here's a very important question - Why should our children settle for losing?

This is a difficult issue to tackle, so I hope to just give you some tips to get your started in resolving this dilemma. However, if you feel you have tried everything and nothing works, then, I urge you to seek help from an expert to get a professional and objective opinion.

The answer to this dilemma is definately easier said than done. But allow me to say it anyway, "DON'T BATTLE WITH YOUR CHILDREN!" In other words, structure you interaction to avoid power struggles. Children are experts at playing the power struggle game. If they succeed in getting you to engage in a power struggle, then you have already lost. Children don't have much control over anything, but they desire it as much as adults do. Therefore, as parents, we need to make sure that we give them a little control. Here are some tips to avoid power struggles:

Give choices. For example: Do you want to wear your red coat or blue coat? If you don't choose, then I'll assume you want your blue coat. (Notice that you don't give a choice of whether or not to wear a coat. Not wearing a coat is not an option. You decide the options, but they make the choice.)

Embrace "No." Many parents hate it when their children tell them "no." We don't want to break them of this. Is this not a skill you want them to have when they are teenagers faced with difficult decisions? Therefore, work at redirecting them if they are saying "no" out of disobedience. You may discipline, but discipline the disobedience, not the fact they said "no." Don't say, for example, "You don't tell Mommy 'no'. Go sit in timeout."

Stay Calm; Stay Connected. When you recognize the potential for a power struggle, make a decision that you will not engage in warlike behavior with your child, but stay calm and connected instead. Whatever behavior your choose, make sure it reflects that of a grown-up. In other words, make sure you are behaving more maturely than your child.

Opt for a Win-Win Scenerio. As the adult, try to figure out how both you and your child can come out a winner. Allow your child to negotiate, which is very empowering for your child. There is no harm in that, afterall, you have the final decision. Avoid the "My way or the hi-way" approach. Be flexible.

I hope these tips will be helpful for you. Please let me know of any suggestions you may have that have proven successful for you and your family. As usual, any other comments or thoughts are welcomed.