Life's A Race. How Will You Finish?

The Beginning. It all began back in October 2009.  I had the priviledge of running a relay marathon with some family and friends in Kansas City.  My portion was about 6 miles.  It was a great experience.  My cousin, Annie, who was on my relay team, ran the 7 mile leg.  We all had a great time.  But, I got to thinking, 6 miles is only a half mile shy of halfway of the half marathon.  A lot of "halfs" I know.   I was visiting with Annie about this....then I started to push her to run a half marathon with me. I thought I was unsuccessful in convincing her of this, but a couple of weeks later, she emailed me saying she wanted to do it.  Even though I originally approached her, I was actually reluctant to agree, because I knew that I would have to train harder than I had ever trained before. However, Annie and I agreed we'd register to run the Half Marathon in the 2010 Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon.

The Training. Annie lives two and a half hours away from me, so we had to train seperately.  Fortunately, I had another "runner" friend, Pam, who agreed to help me train.  We agreed we train on our own throughout the week, but would plan to do several long runs along the way.  And that is what we did.  I was in the gym at least 4 days a week running on a treadmill.  I also decided that running 13.1 miles would be much easier if I were a few pounds lighter, so I joined Weight Watchers to add some structure to my diet.  Pam and I ran our first "long" run, which was only 6 miles. Then 6 soon turned into 10.  I never in my life thought I would be able to run that far.  I was so proud of myself, but I hurt so badly.  Usually the pain sets in the next day, but around mile 8, I could feel the pain from my calves clear up to my shoulders.  Afterwards, I sat down and decided to eat a granola bar to refuel......but it even hurt to chew!  That's right, MY JAW WAS EVEN SORE!

The Injury. My training was going very well, when my biggest fear happened - I injured my foot.  I felt this excrutiating pain on the outer side of my left foot.  I was so worried because the race was only two and a half months away and I still had lots of training to go (this happened before my 10 mile run).  I was so worried and disappointed because I knew I had to lay off it for it to get better, but that is what I did. I resorted to the stationary bike for two weeks while I let my foot heal.  Gradually, I started back training on the treadmill and the foot seemed healthy.  I even ran my 10 mile run shortly after with no problem.  But one day about 6 weeks away from the race, I felt that same pain again. I was so discouraged as I thought that I was not going to be able to run in marathon with Annie.  So I decided to lay off the training until the day of the race and hope I could make it all the way.

The Race.  Race day finally came around (it was actually 2 days ago)  I was optimistic I could finish the race if only my foot didn't start hurting.  Afterall, I was 20 lbs lighter and I had trained very hard. My cousin, Annie, and I stood in the crowd of runners for what seemed like an eternity, but then, sure enough, our race had begun.  Of all the miles we had run in our training, it all came down to the 13.1 we were about to run.....and our goal was simply to FINISH THE RACE.  We started out strong and excited.  I was enjoying myself so much that I didn't even notice the first mile marker.  But one mile soon turned into two, then three, and before we knew it we were at 6. Then I felt it.  The pain in my foot was gradually increasing.  "Oh no" I thought, "How am I gonna do 7 miles on a hurt foot?" But I decided to keep going.  We made it to mile 8 and I was really feeling the pain in my foot at this point.  But this was also the point that my running buddy, Annie, started having knee trouble.  WE WERE FALLING APART!  We stuck it out to mile 10 and then decided that it was in our best interest to walk a little.....but, we were still in the race.  About a mile later we picked back up, but making sure we took it easy.  I remember thinking, "I can't believe I've come this far on hurt foot.  We're gonna do it.  We're actually gonna finish this thing."  Soon enough, the finish line came in sight.  When we saw it, we kicked it gear running faster than we had the entire race.  Annie later said that at that point, the pain in her knee left her.  The same is true for my foot.  Before we knew it were were crossing the finish line.  I looked online at our times and Annie and I finished at the exact same time.  WE STARTED TOGETHER AND WE FINISHED TOGETHER!

The Lesson. We are all running our own race.  We are not competing against each other, but instead we are competing against ourselves.  One thing I learned throughout the training is that I am my own worst enemy. I struggled with eating healthy; I struggled with making it to gym every day.  My struggles had to do with my desire to please my flesh.  I wanted to eat burgers, fries, meat and potatoes instead of having portion control and eating more veggies and drinking more water.  I wanted to sleep, watch TV, or just be lazy instead of getting my butt in the gym.  And ever so often I gave into those temptations, but I never gave up.  Not even when I started to have complications with my foot.  Another thing I learned is this saying, "Why not me?"  I discovered that I was caught up in thinking about all the things I thought I couldn't do...."someone like me could never do (fill in blank)."  Throughout this process, I realized "Why not me?"  What makes others more special than me?  The conclusion I came to is "nothing."  I was and still am afforded the same opportunities as everyone else in this world.  The only thing holding me back.....was ME!  Next, I learned the importance of having a running buddy in this race we call Life.  Pam was my Paul/Accountability and Annie was my Barnabas/Encouragement.  Scheduling runs with Pam kept me motivated to keep training. I didn't want to meet up for our runs and not be able to keep up.  Running with Annie was super encouraging.  We supported each other.  With our injuries, we both probably would have folded if it wasn't for the encouragement we offered each other.  We need accountability and encouragement as we compete in our life-race.  We weren't meant to do it alone.  Lastly, I learned that we must have a goal in mind (i.e., the finish line).  When we can see the finish line, it is amazing what we are capable of doing.  And the feeling of crossing that line is something I cannot even begin to explain.

I hope that you took something away from my experience in running the half marathon.  We all have room to improve, but we must get excited about improving.  In other words, our motivation for improvement needs to come from self-love and positive thinking as opposed to self-hatred and negative thinking.  Good luck to you all as you run your life-race.

Insecurity: A Destroyer of Relationships

We all know people that we would classify as selfish or self-serving.  But what is it about their behavior that makes us put these labels on them?  How come we are moved to comment on their selfishness?  It is because in some way, shape, or form, we have been hurt or offended by their self-serving behavior. 

BUT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT SELFISHNESS OR INSECURITY?

We typically use the label "selfish" to describe someone who appears to have more concern for his/herself over the well-being of others.  This term might be appropriate at times.  However, I think the majority of times we are instead dealing with someone bearing heightened levels of insecurity.

We are all insecure to some degree.  But a mature person is aware of their insecurities and, therefore, works hard to understand them so that their insecurities don't skew their reality and thereby dictate their behavior. That's what "insecurity" does.....it creates an alternate and often flawed logic.  We all, at times, fall victim to this distorted logic.  However, the mature and "secure" (or should I say, "the less insecure") eventually recognize the error and, thus, get back on the safe trail of rational logic.  On the other hand, we find the extremely insecure camped out in this wilderness of flawed logic.   

People with heightened levels of insecurity often play the victim and have trouble thinking outside themselves, which is why we often label them as "selfish."   Many are paranoid and have the tendency to take everything personal. 

No one likes the feeling of insecurity.....not even the extremely insecure like feeling insecure. 

When this happens, the extremely insecure work very hard to acheive stability and security.  However, they do so using flawed logic.  Remember, they have been living in a wilderness of irrational thought.  So, they often want to borrow the security of others to help them feel more stable.  David Schnarch calls this "borrowed functioning."  Do you ever feel drained after being around someone who is extremely insecure?  Well, that is what they do.  You feel drained because they need to use your functioning to feel good about themselves.  But, their efforts to become stable by borrowing the functioning of others often include behaviors the ends up hurting others. What is frustrating is that they don't even realize they are hurting others; but how can they when they are heavily focused on acheiving self-stability or security.  Remember, they have a very hard time thinking outside themselves.  Therefore, in our frustration, we label them "selfish" and try to move on.

Children have the same problem. They operate with flawed logic.  My 2 yr old believes that acquiring a certain toy "right now" will bring him all the happiness and stability he'll ever need.  And if he doesn't get it "now" he will have missed his ONLY opportunity for such a life.  He doesn't understand in the moment that if he let's someone else play with the toy, it will still be there for him to play with and enjoy later on. Part of our job as parents is to help our children develop rational thought. We can also do the same for our friends and family who have been caught up in a web of irrational thought.

Here are some suggestions for you next time you encounter some you would classify as "insecure" or "selfish":

1. Recognize that you have outgrown them. If you take the approach that you are more mature than they are, you are less likely to let their immature behaviors get to you.
2. Determine what game they are playing. In other words, think about how the insecure one attempts to manipulate. Ask yourself, "How does s/he borrow my functioning?
3. Decide you will no longer play that game, but,  you will play your own game instead. As with children, decide what you will and will not stand for.  We are talking about "boundaries" here.  If a boundary you established has been violated, make sure you address it, but in a calm, mature way.  Remember that emotional reactivity means you are still playing their game of immaturity.
4. Always work hard at staying more mature.  Think of it as a contest: Who can behave the most maturely? Make sure you win.

We all encounter the extremely insecure.  I hope these suggestions will be helpful during your next encounter.  As always, your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

What If Every Day Was Your First Day?

Have you ever seen the movie 50 First Dates? If not, allow me to give you a brief synopsis. It is about a guy (played by Adam Sandler) who falls in love with a girl (played by Drew Barrymore). This young woman has a unique disorder that she developed after a horrific car crash. Every night when she goes to sleep she forgets everything that happened that day and her memory is reset back to the day before the crash. Spoiler Alert: At the end of the movie, we see that she married the guy and had child. It is implied that she wakes up every morning and watches a video that catches her up with important events that have happened over time and then....everyday.....she meets her husband and daughter for the first time.

As this movie ended, I got to thinking, what if this sort of thing happened to me? How would this impact my life? How would my relationships change?

What if every day was your first day? What if you met your spouse or child for the first time every day? How would this change your daily interaction?

If this sort of thing could really happen it would no doubt be a real downer in a lot of ways. But there is something we can take away from the concept. For instance, as I contemplate the mother-daughter relationship in this movie, there is no doubt in my mind that the woman's child felt loved every day of her life by her mother. Keep in mind, although the mother is meeting the child for the first time every day, the child still remembers. And she will remember that every day of her life her mother was excited to see her and probably made that day very special.

I know it is impossible for any of us to be in this mindset all of the time. But, I think we, as parents, should work harder to be in this mindset more often. Sometimes parenting becomes such a job or chore that we forget we are supposed to be building relationships with these little people. As a counselor, I see this happen far too often.

At what point in our parent-child relationship do we stop delighting in seeing our children?

My encouragement to you is to make a conscious decision that you will work harder to enjoy being in the presence of those who are important to you. Look into your spouse's eyes and try to remember what you found so special about that person. Overlook the chores that need to be done around the house and get down on your [dirty] floor and play with your children. Call your parents out of the blue just to have a little chat. These small gestures can have such a large impact on your relationships.

If you are not satisfied with your relationships, make the decision that you will take the first step in the change process. I hope these thoughts will help in your journey of change.