Insecurity: A Destroyer of Relationships

We all know people that we would classify as selfish or self-serving.  But what is it about their behavior that makes us put these labels on them?  How come we are moved to comment on their selfishness?  It is because in some way, shape, or form, we have been hurt or offended by their self-serving behavior. 

BUT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT SELFISHNESS OR INSECURITY?

We typically use the label "selfish" to describe someone who appears to have more concern for his/herself over the well-being of others.  This term might be appropriate at times.  However, I think the majority of times we are instead dealing with someone bearing heightened levels of insecurity.

We are all insecure to some degree.  But a mature person is aware of their insecurities and, therefore, works hard to understand them so that their insecurities don't skew their reality and thereby dictate their behavior. That's what "insecurity" does.....it creates an alternate and often flawed logic.  We all, at times, fall victim to this distorted logic.  However, the mature and "secure" (or should I say, "the less insecure") eventually recognize the error and, thus, get back on the safe trail of rational logic.  On the other hand, we find the extremely insecure camped out in this wilderness of flawed logic.   

People with heightened levels of insecurity often play the victim and have trouble thinking outside themselves, which is why we often label them as "selfish."   Many are paranoid and have the tendency to take everything personal. 

No one likes the feeling of insecurity.....not even the extremely insecure like feeling insecure. 

When this happens, the extremely insecure work very hard to acheive stability and security.  However, they do so using flawed logic.  Remember, they have been living in a wilderness of irrational thought.  So, they often want to borrow the security of others to help them feel more stable.  David Schnarch calls this "borrowed functioning."  Do you ever feel drained after being around someone who is extremely insecure?  Well, that is what they do.  You feel drained because they need to use your functioning to feel good about themselves.  But, their efforts to become stable by borrowing the functioning of others often include behaviors the ends up hurting others. What is frustrating is that they don't even realize they are hurting others; but how can they when they are heavily focused on acheiving self-stability or security.  Remember, they have a very hard time thinking outside themselves.  Therefore, in our frustration, we label them "selfish" and try to move on.

Children have the same problem. They operate with flawed logic.  My 2 yr old believes that acquiring a certain toy "right now" will bring him all the happiness and stability he'll ever need.  And if he doesn't get it "now" he will have missed his ONLY opportunity for such a life.  He doesn't understand in the moment that if he let's someone else play with the toy, it will still be there for him to play with and enjoy later on. Part of our job as parents is to help our children develop rational thought. We can also do the same for our friends and family who have been caught up in a web of irrational thought.

Here are some suggestions for you next time you encounter some you would classify as "insecure" or "selfish":

1. Recognize that you have outgrown them. If you take the approach that you are more mature than they are, you are less likely to let their immature behaviors get to you.
2. Determine what game they are playing. In other words, think about how the insecure one attempts to manipulate. Ask yourself, "How does s/he borrow my functioning?
3. Decide you will no longer play that game, but,  you will play your own game instead. As with children, decide what you will and will not stand for.  We are talking about "boundaries" here.  If a boundary you established has been violated, make sure you address it, but in a calm, mature way.  Remember that emotional reactivity means you are still playing their game of immaturity.
4. Always work hard at staying more mature.  Think of it as a contest: Who can behave the most maturely? Make sure you win.

We all encounter the extremely insecure.  I hope these suggestions will be helpful during your next encounter.  As always, your thoughts are greatly appreciated.