The Sex Talk

I hear lots of stories about how parents chose to have the "sex talk" with their children.  A professor of mine said he was just sitting on his bed one evening when the door opened, a book flew in, the door shut.  He said his parents didn't discuss the subject at all, but he read the book cover-to-cover.  Those of us with children know that the day is nearing when we'll need to have the sex talk with our kids (some sooner than others).  However, there are a couple of questions we struggle with, for example: (1) When do we do it? and (2) How do we do it?  I hope to help you out with these questions.

When we discuss sex with our children, we to focus on the positive aspects of sex as well as the emotional componants. David Schnarch, a sex therapy expert, says that our sexual prime actually occurs later in life because of the emotional growth involved. Also, in the church, we tend to tell our teens to wait to have sex until they are married. In other words, premarital sex is wrong.....you're NOT supposed to do it! This is true, however, it should not be our focus. We need to be communicating to our children that sex is something beautiful and awesome and a GIFT FROM GOD! But it is to be experienced in the context of marriage. And sex gets better as the marriage develops. A lot of times, teens feel like if they don't have sex while young, they'll miss out on the best sex of their lives. This is absolutely NOT true.

Control your anxiety when discussing sex with your children.  I have two thoughts about why children feel "weird" when parents discuss sex. (1) Someone else beat you to the punch; probably one of their friends (which means they were probably misinformed). Our children really need to learn about sex first from their parents for a couple reasons. One, so they get the right information. And, secondly, so they it doesn't become a taboo topic. Consider having the "sex talk" in stages, so it won't be so uncomfortable for your children. (2) Your own anxiety got in the way. You children are radars for your anxiety. If you feel "wierd" or uncomfortable, your children will pick up on this; thus, you send them the wrong message when it comes to something so beautiful. Although we should maintain certain boundaries when discussiong sex, it should never be a taboo topic. If you show discomfort with the issue of sex, your children will quickly learn that you can't handle this very intriguing topic; therefore, they will seek to have their curiousity fulfilled elsewhere. It is imperative that you provide them a safe enviroment to discuss their questions and concerns regarding sex; this requires you to keep your anxiety at bay.

Take it in stride. As far as "how soon" do we discuss sex with our children, I recommend to take it in stages.  Tell your children little by little. Let your children guide you. Entertain their questions. Ask them questions in return. Don't ignore signs that they are getting interested (e.g., making their dolls kiss). There are some great books out there that can help you. You'll just have to research them and make an executive decision on how appropriate they are for the age of your children. For example, check out "Where Did I Come From?" The Facts of Life Without Any Nonsense and With Illustrations. Keep in mind, you want to teach your kids about sex before their friends do....so, don't wait to long. I will close this entry with a joke:

A young child came to his father and said, "Daddy, what is sex?" Dad's eyes grew to size of baseballs. He was totally unprepared for this question. But regardless of his surprize, he sat his son down and answered his son's question in as much detail as possible. When he had finished, he noticed that now his son's eyes had grown to size of baseballs. The look on his son's face made him wonder what spurred his son to ask this question in the first place. Thus, the dad said, "How come you wanted to know?" at which the son replied, "Because Mom told me dinner would be done in a few secs."

Good luck!