Lesson in COMMUNICATION from a 3-Year Old

The other day my 3 yr old son was playing with the musical Tigger doll as seen in the picture. The way it works is that you press the button on his left foot and he does a song and dance while lighting up. However, the problem with this particular Tigger doll is that there is some sort of malfunction in the button on his foot. To get him to work, you have to press and hold the button the entire time or else Tigger stops singing and dancing. Well, as my son was trying to get Tigger to work, I heard him say in very cute, by high-pitched tone, “I can’t do it, Dad.” So I said to him, “You have to hold it.” So he did just that. He proceeded to lift up Tigger and set him in his lap. Then he looked back at me as if to say, “Now what?” Struggling not to laugh, I said, “No, you have to squeeze it.” My son looked at Tigger while pondering my suggestion. He slowly lifted his hand and then squeezed Tigger’s nose. I busted out laughing at this point. HE WAS SO CUTE! He was completely misunderstanding what I meant, but all the while doing exactly as I instructed him to.

We often find ourselves having the same form of miscommunication in our relationships. However, in a marriage or a parent-adolescent relationship the miscommunication isn’t as cute as seen here with my 3 yr old. It is almost as if we just cannot understand how our spouse or teenager, for instance, could ever interpret our requests or suggestions as anything other than the way we pictured in our minds. One thing we need to understand when it comes to learning to effectively communicate is that misinterpretations don’t go away with age. We are no better at mind-reading at 30 yrs old than we were at 3 yrs old. Effective communication is a skill that can be taught, but never mastered. We owe it to ourselves and to those we care about to continually work hard at improving our communication skills. One lesson I hope you take from this post is that “mindreading” is a HUGE No-No! We should never assume the other person should “just know” what we are saying or talking about.

My 3 yr old is learning more and more about how to effectively communicate every day. Watching him grow and learn is an awesome experience. I think it is so neat when I get the privilege of seeing something “click” with him; to actually see him “get it.” When this happens to us as adults, the adorable-factor can be ruled out, but it can be a very rewarding experience still. So hang in there.

Coping with the Post-Holiday Blues

The holiday season, beginning with Thanksgiving and ending with New Years, is a very busy time for most of us. We are checking our schedules making sure we can see as many family members as possible. The last thing we want, after all, is hurt feelings on our conscience. We are making shopping lists and checking them twice, thrice, and as many times as it takes to get everything crossed off the list. We have family dinners to attend, business and church parties to crash, not to mention all the different things the children in our lives are doing – school parties, holiday plays, etc. We are arranging times to take family pictures, then comes the dreaded selection of which picture goes on the Christmas card. Following this, we are faced with actually sending out the cards and making sure every significant and insignificant person we know gets one. But don’t forget to work on the “apology speech,” just in case Aunt Mildred’s card got “lost in the mail” (wink, wink). It seems during this time of the year we don’t have much time to even think, much less doing something for ourselves to gain peace of mind. Slowing down is NOT an option; we are operating on pure adrenaline. Then the New Year rolls around and it is all over. Our brains and bodies are all of sudden presented with our normal routine without the additional hustle and bustle of the holiday season. Well, it is not hard to understand why some people deal with the “post holiday blues,” which may manifest in many different ways, for instance, depression, anxiety, and/or pure, unmistakable exhaustion.

Twenty-eleven (2011) is right around the corner. The question we are faced with is “How do we successfully cope with the post holiday blues so we can effectively get back in the saddle?” Here are some suggestions to consider:

Get excited about the idea of new beginnings. Although the particular holidays during this time of year were created with specific thoughts in mind, I don’t think we can ignore that the holiday season carries with it the implication that another chapter in our lives is coming to a close and a new one is about to begin. For some, the chapter closing was not the most pleasant, and for others, the chapter closing was the highlight of their lives and they can’t imagine a better one. But, all of us are faced with the new chapter, full of blank pages ready for us to make our mark. The scary part of the new chapter is that we don’t know what challenges lie before us; thus, we are faced with unpredictability and the unexpected. The exciting part of the new chapter is that WE ARE THE AUTHORS! We need to embrace this thought. Although we may be faced challenges and stumbling blocks along the way, we still get to choose how we deal with those obstacles. We are the authors of our story; we decide the direction; we decide how it ends.

Set short-term, but achievable goals. Reflecting on the previous year and deciding how you want the following year to be different is something I would encourage everyone to do. However, most people already do this; but, they forget to set small goals along the way. When they forget this very important step, their goals for the year become something that is too large to conquer. Thus, I encourage people to be thinking about the initial months after the New Year – January, February, and maybe, March – and decide what they would like to achieve during this time. The next step is to “get after it.” Once the goals are met, don’t forget to celebrate. Small successes are definitely worth celebrating.

Plan a retreat for yourself. This is actually something I would recommend doing during the holiday season, but at minimum, doing it after the holiday season has ended. Planned retreats, in my opinion, are crucial for our mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. After experiencing the level of stress that comes with the holiday season, our minds and bodies are typically ready for a break that is long overdue. Remember, a retreat doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. A retreat can be something as simple as a daily walk around the lake or spending time in meditation or prayer on your lunch break or enjoying a cup of Joe as you watch the sunrise before you head off to work. Thus, make your retreats intentional; don’t allow yourself to just fall into it. When we fall into it, retreating more accurately reflects escaping. Thus, as you plan your retreats, work at staying away from drugs, alcohol, media, and even technology in effort to keep a clear mind.

Change up your routine. “Mixing it up” a little bit is something that could help with the transition from 2010 to 2011. Routine is beneficial because it helps provide structure and stability to our lives, but it often becomes boring. If it is at all possible, attempt to change up how you structure you life. Here are some examples:

• Take a new route to work.

• Add new workouts to your exercise routine

• Start a new hobby or participate in a new activity (e.g., softball league)

Preserve memories. I think preserving memories is a very important part of the transition. I encourage people to actually get old fashion on this one. Technically, downloading pictures to Facebook or Flickr is a way to preserve memories. However, this is the lazy way. I would encourage you to put a little elbow grease in your preservation methods. Scrapbooking is probably the most obvious way of doing this, but there are many other ways; thus, be creative. The reason I am an advocate for preserving memories is because despite how difficult of a year you had, you will typically focus on the memories that generate a good feeling within you. As you start out a new year, the last thing you need is a bad taste in your mouth from the previous year. Preserving the feel-good memories of the previous year will help you get started on the right foot for the new year.

I encourage each and every one of you to not get bogged down in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season to where you forget the meaning of the holiday season. However, if, come January, you find yourself coming down from the holiday high, don’t hesitate to try some of these suggestions to help with your transition. Also, keep in mind that there is no shame in seeking professional help if just can’t seem to kick the post holiday blues.

Don't forget to pick up a copy of the December 2010 issue of MetroFamily Magazine to read more on overcoming the Post-Holiday Blues.

Tips for Speaking Your Spouses Love Language

Have you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman?  This is an excellent read.  The premise is quite simple: Men and women often attempt to show their spouses love in ways that they, themselves, would like to receive it.  However, we need to work at showing our spouses love in ways they desire.  I would encourage you and your spouse to check out this book.  Read it together and process the different love languages.

As you and your spouse work through this book,  I have 3 "Don'ts" to consider. First, (1) Don't Mind-read. In other words, don't assume you know what your spouse likes. Only your spouse can tell you this for certain, so don't be afraid to ask. Secondly, (2) Don't Assume Mind-reading. Remember that your spouse is not psychic. Your wants and desires are actually relationship components that you should discuss with your spouse and not expect them to "just know." And last, (3) Don't Downplay. Sometimes what your spouse's love language looks like might not make sense to you, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. As long as it isn't a compromise of your integrity or values, you need to show your spouse love in ways they desire....in ways that makes sense to them. You don't have to fully understand. All you have to know is that it is important to this person whom you love deeply.

As always, your thoughts are always welcomed.

(Note: This entry was inspired by a post on Missional Outreach Network by James Nored)

Teens + Dating = Highly ANXIOUS Parents

To the NEW parents out there: What does it do for you to think that your babies will be dating in the near future? Can you recall some of the things you did while you were dating?

To SEASONED parents: What was it like for you when your kids started dating? How did you handle your anxiety?

Dating is a milestone that most teens look forward to; however, second to driving, it is probably the most dreaded for parents. Why is that? Well, because we've been there. We know about the curiosity that lingers in a teenage mind. We know about the here-and-now mindset that teens live in and that the word "consequences" often doesn't seem to even be in their vocabulary. This causes us much anxiety. So, what do we do? Here are some helpful tips for discussing dating with your teen.

1. Beware of your own anxiety. Often parents allow their anxiety to drive their behaviors. Parents should work hard at staying calm and connected when discussing dating or situations related to dating with their teens. Anxiety only communicates to them that you can't handle it.  
2. Be excited for them. This is an important milestone in your teen's life; thus, you need to be as supportive as possible.  
3. Set the rules for dating. Let them know what you expect (e.g., curfew, etc.) of them. After all, dating is a privilege and they need to be responsible with that privilege.  
4. Focus on the "Do's" instead of the "Don'ts." Let me start by saying, that I think it is okay to state what is inappropriate because of the negative consequences involved. But, more importantly, parents should work hard at helping their teens think about what they should be doing in undertaking this privilege known as dating. Teens should be focused on RIGHTEOUSNESS (i.e., doing what is right) instead of focusing on the line they aren't suppose to cross. If they are focused on the line, then they will typically see how close they can get without crossing it. However, if they are pursuing righteousness, then there is really no need to look back at where you are NOT supposed to be. Thus, help them determine what is "right" in a dating relationship.

I have had the privilege via church camp of working with young men who are in the beginning stages of their interest in girls and dating. I would like to close by sharing with you my approach in helping them think critically about this idea of pursuing righteousness (note: this can also be used with young ladies as well).

I start off by asking them to picture their ideal wife. I ask them to tell me about her. What does she look like? What is her character like? What are her interests? Is she a Christian? Don't let their answers scare you. Spend a little time here and have a laugh or two. Then, I say, chances are, that person is existing and living her life somewhere in this world. She might even be your age; thus, she is still a teenager and probably living with her parents. What kind of parents do you hope she has? How do you hope she is being treated at home? Remember, this is your future wife we are talking about here. Next, I tell them that before you meet her, chances are she will date a few guys and maybe even fall in love a couple of times before she meets you. Therefore, as she begins dating, what kind of guys would you like her to stay away from? What kind of guys would you like her to be dating until she meets you? Then, I ask, this very important question: Will you grant the future husbands of the girls you date the same curtosy and respect?

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts. Good luck on your parenting journey.

Dangers in Second Guessing Your Children

As parents, we want to raise our children to be self-sufficient, decisive, confident adults. There are many aspects of parenting that contributes to the outcome; the componant I'd like to discuss is How we talk to our children. You might be thinking, "Duh, we know that screaming and yelling and belittling our chldren is emotionally damaging." This is true, however, I'm talking about something more subtle; something more accepted; something very easy to fall victim to.

Have you ever given your child a decision and when they make it, you ask, "Are you sure?" Or have they ever said they want something and you say to them, "Ah, you don't want that." These are common phrases used among parents across the world. How could they be harmful? Afterall, we are their parents; we know what is best for them.

As parents we need to be extra careful about doing or saying things that influences our children to second guess themselves, even if we think we know better. Obviously we need to protect our children from life's dangers, but as long as our kids aren't in danger, we need to allow them to make decisions and let them see those decisions through. If it doesn't work out for them, then lesson learned. If it does, then it is a victory. Either way,THEY GET TO OWN IT! This is on way confidence is built, especially as they experience more and more successes.

What are your thoughts on this matter?

The Sex Talk

I hear lots of stories about how parents chose to have the "sex talk" with their children.  A professor of mine said he was just sitting on his bed one evening when the door opened, a book flew in, the door shut.  He said his parents didn't discuss the subject at all, but he read the book cover-to-cover.  Those of us with children know that the day is nearing when we'll need to have the sex talk with our kids (some sooner than others).  However, there are a couple of questions we struggle with, for example: (1) When do we do it? and (2) How do we do it?  I hope to help you out with these questions.

When we discuss sex with our children, we to focus on the positive aspects of sex as well as the emotional componants. David Schnarch, a sex therapy expert, says that our sexual prime actually occurs later in life because of the emotional growth involved. Also, in the church, we tend to tell our teens to wait to have sex until they are married. In other words, premarital sex is wrong.....you're NOT supposed to do it! This is true, however, it should not be our focus. We need to be communicating to our children that sex is something beautiful and awesome and a GIFT FROM GOD! But it is to be experienced in the context of marriage. And sex gets better as the marriage develops. A lot of times, teens feel like if they don't have sex while young, they'll miss out on the best sex of their lives. This is absolutely NOT true.

Control your anxiety when discussing sex with your children.  I have two thoughts about why children feel "weird" when parents discuss sex. (1) Someone else beat you to the punch; probably one of their friends (which means they were probably misinformed). Our children really need to learn about sex first from their parents for a couple reasons. One, so they get the right information. And, secondly, so they it doesn't become a taboo topic. Consider having the "sex talk" in stages, so it won't be so uncomfortable for your children. (2) Your own anxiety got in the way. You children are radars for your anxiety. If you feel "wierd" or uncomfortable, your children will pick up on this; thus, you send them the wrong message when it comes to something so beautiful. Although we should maintain certain boundaries when discussiong sex, it should never be a taboo topic. If you show discomfort with the issue of sex, your children will quickly learn that you can't handle this very intriguing topic; therefore, they will seek to have their curiousity fulfilled elsewhere. It is imperative that you provide them a safe enviroment to discuss their questions and concerns regarding sex; this requires you to keep your anxiety at bay.

Take it in stride. As far as "how soon" do we discuss sex with our children, I recommend to take it in stages.  Tell your children little by little. Let your children guide you. Entertain their questions. Ask them questions in return. Don't ignore signs that they are getting interested (e.g., making their dolls kiss). There are some great books out there that can help you. You'll just have to research them and make an executive decision on how appropriate they are for the age of your children. For example, check out "Where Did I Come From?" The Facts of Life Without Any Nonsense and With Illustrations. Keep in mind, you want to teach your kids about sex before their friends do....so, don't wait to long. I will close this entry with a joke:

A young child came to his father and said, "Daddy, what is sex?" Dad's eyes grew to size of baseballs. He was totally unprepared for this question. But regardless of his surprize, he sat his son down and answered his son's question in as much detail as possible. When he had finished, he noticed that now his son's eyes had grown to size of baseballs. The look on his son's face made him wonder what spurred his son to ask this question in the first place. Thus, the dad said, "How come you wanted to know?" at which the son replied, "Because Mom told me dinner would be done in a few secs."

Good luck!

Balancing Work & Family

This discussion was influenced by an article that my friend, James Nored, brought to my attention entitled Balancing Work & Family for a Successful Life.

 

Balancing work and family has always been important for healthy living. This was important even back in the day when most households were living on one income, but it is even more important now that more and more women are entering the workforce. With both spouses working, "taking care of things at home" may often take the backburner on the priority list; and what attention is devoted to the home and family, often falls on the wife.

 

If we are going to be a "two-income family," we need to work extra hard at reminding ourselves that our family is our FIRST ministry. Here are some tips that may prove beneficial for these families:

 

• Equally share in household responsibilities. Husbands need to pick up the slack and help their wives with different chores around the house as well as with parenting responsibilities. Wives should let go of ownership of the household responsibilities and allow their husbands to help.  
• Communicating with assertiveness and active listening. You and your spouse should work at being assertive with your feelings and requests for each other. However, also work at active listening (e.g., head nods, reflective listening "What I am hearing you say is..."; etc.) when your spouse is talking.  
• Schedule your quality time. Planning becomes more and more important. Quality time with your spouse and children needs to be planned out. Spontaneity may occur from time to time, but should not be expected. Don't fret, that is actually a good thing. Remember, an intentional marriage is more meaningful than a spontaneous one.  
• Take time for yourself. This is pretty much self-explanatory. If you are exhausted, you can't be the husband/wife, father/mother, or friend that others deserve.

I am all for both spouses working (if that is their desire); my wife and I, too, are both in the workforce. However, we need to work hard to not sacrifice our families for our careers. In Toby Keith's (an odd source, I know, but it fits) song "The List," he states "I won't break my back for a million bucks I can't take to my grave. So, why put off for tomorrow, what could get done today?". Let's remember that spending enternity in heaven with our families is a far greater prize than a paycheck. Thus, husbands and wives in the workforce need to work together to make the necessary changes to make sure their relationships and families don't suffer by their career decisions.

  

God bless you all.

 

Blue Like Play Dough {Book Review}

Guest Writer: Amanda Nichols, Ph.D.

Tricia Goyer’s Blue Like Play Dough is a book about being a mother and letting God shape you into what He has in mind. Playing off Donald Miller’s book, Blue Like Jazz, Goyer writes,

“…when I had kids, I felt like I was the one being squished and pressed…I felt pulled when I tried to balance raising kids, taking care of our house, serving in church, and following my dreams. There were even days when I felt as if I was literally being pounded – by life, by my hang-ups, by my own insecurities and doubts that I was “good enough” as a mom…Rather [the blue lump] was something God held in His [hands]. I was that lump. As I watched God pull and tug, I saw that He was following a pattern. He had something in mind. God, the artist, was shaping me, forming me to represent an image of His Son.…Miller had blue jazz. I had blue play dough. I tried not to be disappointed.” (1-2)

Her description reminded me of one of my favorite scriptures:

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)

This is one of those books that I read at the perfect time in my life. I felt like God was reminding me of some very important things. That being said, I think every mother should read this book. It is an easy read and although the chapters are short, the reader will walk away feeling encouraged. Each chapter is riddled with personal stories from the author’s life as well as moral and personal applications. For a busy mom, I like this style: to the point but thought-provoking. Goyer has a witty style that keeps you turning the pages.

Goyer has some wise words about keeping God in your life, parenting, being a wife, and following your dreams. Since I had my first child over two years ago, I have been struggling with my relationship with God. After having my second son last year, there were days I felt like God and I barely knew each other. The hardest time in my life was when I was in graduate school – the unbelievable amount of stress pushed me into the arms of God. That era of my life was also probably one of the times I felt closest to God. I could spend hours studying his Word and talking to Him. I needed that to survive. But having kids changed the way I survived. If you have children, you know how difficult it is to have time alone. When at home, when I wasn’t changing a diaper or rocking my babies, I was sleeping; I was so tired! So without moments of solitude, how could I spend time with God? Goyer’s words released me from the rules I had made in my relationship with God:

“In the middle of my busy life, I can refocus my thoughts and my mind and my heart on Him. I can be fixed on God, even when my feet are hustling. I can look for Him, listen for Him, even if the looking and listening happen in the short drive I take to pick my daughter up…Or in the prayers I offer up as I shave my legs in the shower…The mess isn’t going to get cleaned up today, but that doesn’t mean I need to hold God at bay. He loves joining me, even if I’m placing Him into my chaos. In fact, if God had His way, I’m sure He’d write Himself into all part of my life, using permanent marker, reminding me of where He wants to be – everywhere…Insert God here.” (8-9)

What? I don’t have to clean myself (and my life) up first BEFORE I take some time with God? All my life, I had been taught that God just wants us, it doesn’t matter what kind of shape we are in at the moment. I had told people that little nugget of truth. But when it came down to it, I thought that I needed to get everything in order and devote a large block of time to God in order for Him to hear my prayers. It is okay for me to pray to God while I’m changing a diaper. Thanks be to God!

I was reminded while reading this book that I have a great husband. I have two awesome children. In Goyer’s words, “I don’t get life right 100 percent of the time…but I know I’m loved – even cherished.” (33) I am reminded of what is important. I also appreciated the simple truths in the book without judgment. There are some books about parenting or being a “good wife” I have read that leaves me feeling beat up. Even though Goyer has made some different decisions than I have (she’s a stay-at-home (mostly), home-schooling mother), I never felt like I was being judged for working outside the home. I was able to glean some important information too from her experiences of homeschooling her children. I applaud Goyer for discussing how she learned to take time for herself to follow her dreams of being an author. I also was impressed with her honesty and ability to openly share how God has worked in her life through bad decisions and tough times she has lived through.

“Even though I left that lifestyle behind when I got married, moved to a different town, and started attending church, I still carried around the memories. They were like crumbs in my play dough. A few stuck to the surface but many more were mixed in and hard to see. Yet even though those crumbs were my secret, they were there. I still felt like that scared, embarrassed teen girl and could not imagine revealing my biggest secret to anyone.” (54)

Goyer talks about grace and how God rescues us – from life, from poor decisions, and even ourselves.

“Yes, my play dough may still get crumbs, but it’s not my job to hide them or even to pick them out. God is faithful in doing that. It’s my job to be truthful about the dirt that still lingers and to hand myself over, plopping my blue, pliable self into His hands.” (60)

One of the scariest ideas about being a parent is the thought of your children hurting. Whether it’s because of others’ decisions, or your children’s own decisions, it is scary nonetheless. I was challenged in thinking about how I will react when my children make poor decisions. I was even more challenged in remembering that I have to hand them over to God as well. God has to work in their lives, too.

Finally, after reading this book, I am still working on remembering that I can approach God anytime. And that I need to approach Him daily – even if it’s only for small amounts of time. I remember back in graduate school at a scientific meeting, I attended a lecture about being a chemist and a mother. I was really looking forward to hearing some good advice since Josh and I were planning on starting a family soon. I was very disappointed. The speaker shared her solution that worked for her family: a live-in nanny while both her and her husband worked 60+ hours a week (each!). Those were my choices? Stay-at-home or work crazy long hours and have a live-in nanny? Thankfully, God has shown us a different way. My husband and I have figured out what works for our family. We’ve been blessed with flexible working hours, great flexible childcare arrangements, and grandparents (and friends) that live nearby that help out a lot!

“I still often ask Him to rescue me from the pressures that come with being a mom. For the most part, He doesn’t. Instead, if I’m willing, He uses them to change me on the inside. In His hands I’m being transformed, one squeeze at a time.” (2)

If you are a mother looking for a book that offers encouragement and a unique perspective of motherhood, then Blue Like Play Dough is definitely the book for you.

The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting

This past Saturday (Aug.7th), I was welcomed by the Wilshire Church of Christ in Oklahoma City to present an all-day parenting seminar. Thirty-five parents from the community and surrounding area attended. Post-seminar evaluations showed that participants were encouraged and enjoyed their overall experience. All the participants reported they would recommend this seminar to others.

Allow me the opportunity to explain in a little more detail this program, which I have entitled The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting.

“When you choose to become a parent, you are choosing to live a life of vulnerability.”


– Unknown Source

Parenting is one of the hardest things we’ll ever do. We are constantly in a state of vulnerability. Remember the first time you left your child with a babysitter? The first time they rode their bike without training wheels? Do you remember how vulnerable you felt? We don’t like feeling vulnerable, but it is required for effective parenting. After all, God made himself vulnerable to us by sending his Son to die for our sins (see John 3:16). To make ourselves vulnerable means to put ourselves at risk. When we apologize to our children, we run the risk of not being forgiven. When we expect good things from our children, we run the risk of being disappointed. The R.I.S.K.S. program offers parents more awareness, understanding, and skill building when it comes to this vulnerable endeavor known as parenting. Parenting is about taking R.I.S.K.S.

The R: Parenting is about the Relationship. Strong relationships are vital to parenting. “How do I get my children to behave?” should not be the first question we ask. “How do I build a close relationship with my child?” is a better place to start. If the parent-child relationship is strained, parenting becomes a more difficult, if not impossible, task.

The I: Parenting is about Integrity. Strong parenting demands a heightened sense of one’s own integrity. Parents often find themselves violating their integrity in effort to achieve compliance or obedience from their children. God has placed within us the feeling of “guilt” to help us know when we have compromised our integrity. Screaming, yelling, disconnecting, empty threats are just a few behaviors that typically generate feelings of guilt within the parent. These behaviors may or may not result in obedience, but, nonetheless, always do harm to the parent-child relationship.

The S: Parenting is about Structure. Structure makes up the environment in which one’s child has to grow up. There are four structural components that are essential in creating an environment that increases your child’s chances for success: (1) Hierarchy, (2) Boundaries, (3) Discipline, and (4) Instruction. The challenge is being able to implement these components in a way that strengthens the parent-child relationship instead of weakening it.

The K: Parenting is about Keeping the Faith. “Letting go and letting God,” also involves, “letting go and letting grow.” One of the hardest aspects of parenting is the knowledge that we are raising our children to not need us anymore. Thus, we are slowly working our children toward self-sufficiency and independence, which starts from the moment they are born.

The Other S: Parenting is about Self-Nurture. Our children need us at our best! We owe it to them to take care of ourselves first. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, uses the metaphor of putting on your own oxygen mask first before you assist anyone else, as flight attendants tell us before every flight. If you can’t breathe, you can’t help anyone! Jesus was excellent at taking care of himself (see Matthew 14:13, 23, 26:36-39 and Mark 1:35-38). Thus, taking care of self first is actually a very selfless act.

This information provides you a brief glimpse of what The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting program is all about. If you have any questions about this program or if you are interested in bringing R.I.S.K.S. to your church or community, please call (405-234-7209) or email me (joshua.nichols@alumni.oc.edu). I would be more than willing to further discuss this program with you. R.I.S.K.S brochures are available. Simply email me your address and I will get one sent to you right away. You can also contact the Wilshire Church of Christ (www.wilshirechurch.org) in Oklahoma City at 405-843-912 and speak with Jeremie Beller, (jeremie@wilshirechurch.org, their Congregational Minister, to hear about their experience with hosting R.I.S.K.S.

I hope that all of you who are parents are working hard at taking R.I.S.K.S. with your children so that they will be better equipped to face this difficult world when they are grown. God bless you in this journey.

Tips For Parents To Avoid Power Struggles

So when did having a strong will become such a bad things? The term "strong-willed child" has taken on a negative connotation. But isn't a strong will exactly what we hope our children will have? Afterall, it is our strong will that helps us perservere. It is our strong will that helps us pull ourselves up by our bootstraps after taking a bad fall. It is our strong will that often keeps us on a path of righteousness.

So what is it about having a "strong-willed child" that makes parenting so difficult? Most of the time it is because we want them to bend to our will. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, alludes that strong-willed children often have strong-willed parents because the frustrating componant stems from the battle of wills. We, as parents, don't want to lose the battle. But here's a very important question - Why should our children settle for losing?

This is a difficult issue to tackle, so I hope to just give you some tips to get your started in resolving this dilemma. However, if you feel you have tried everything and nothing works, then, I urge you to seek help from an expert to get a professional and objective opinion.

The answer to this dilemma is definately easier said than done. But allow me to say it anyway, "DON'T BATTLE WITH YOUR CHILDREN!" In other words, structure you interaction to avoid power struggles. Children are experts at playing the power struggle game. If they succeed in getting you to engage in a power struggle, then you have already lost. Children don't have much control over anything, but they desire it as much as adults do. Therefore, as parents, we need to make sure that we give them a little control. Here are some tips to avoid power struggles:

Give choices. For example: Do you want to wear your red coat or blue coat? If you don't choose, then I'll assume you want your blue coat. (Notice that you don't give a choice of whether or not to wear a coat. Not wearing a coat is not an option. You decide the options, but they make the choice.)

Embrace "No." Many parents hate it when their children tell them "no." We don't want to break them of this. Is this not a skill you want them to have when they are teenagers faced with difficult decisions? Therefore, work at redirecting them if they are saying "no" out of disobedience. You may discipline, but discipline the disobedience, not the fact they said "no." Don't say, for example, "You don't tell Mommy 'no'. Go sit in timeout."

Stay Calm; Stay Connected. When you recognize the potential for a power struggle, make a decision that you will not engage in warlike behavior with your child, but stay calm and connected instead. Whatever behavior your choose, make sure it reflects that of a grown-up. In other words, make sure you are behaving more maturely than your child.

Opt for a Win-Win Scenerio. As the adult, try to figure out how both you and your child can come out a winner. Allow your child to negotiate, which is very empowering for your child. There is no harm in that, afterall, you have the final decision. Avoid the "My way or the hi-way" approach. Be flexible.

I hope these tips will be helpful for you. Please let me know of any suggestions you may have that have proven successful for you and your family. As usual, any other comments or thoughts are welcomed.

The Intentional Marriage

I recently heard the following story:

A young couple, recently married, decided to spend some quality time together by going for a stroll one fall evening in their neighborhood. The young husband threw on some gray jogging pants and a long-sleeved shirt. He happened to finish dressing in his walking attire a little before his bride. He said, "Hey Babe. I'm all ready to go, so I think I'll go outside and stretch. I'll meet you out there." As he stepped outside, he noticed it was a bit chilly. It wasn't overly cold, but the wind added just enough of a sting to make one wish they had on a jacket. So he rushed back in to get his jacket; 30 seconds and he was back outside stretching. Meanwhile, his lovely new wife finished putting on her walking clothes and joined him outside and they began their stroll. After a good 10 minutes into their walk, the young husband noticed his wife was rubbing her arms somewhat fierce - she was cold. He didn't notice when she came out that she did not have on her jacket. So, calmly and very gentleman-like, the young husband unzipped his jacket, took it off, threw it around his bride and said, "You must be freezing. Please wear mine. Don't worry, I'll be fine." She smiled in appreciation and love and they continued with their walk.


Thirty-five years and three grown kids later, the couple found themselves going out for an evening stroll yet again. The husband, once again, made it outside before his bride. Coincidentally, the weather that evening was quite similar to the walk they took 35 years ago. It was a fall evening and the wind blew just hard enough to inflict a stinging sensation on the skin. But, yet again, this didn't stop the couple from going on their walk. Because of the stinging wind, the husband made sure he had on a jacket to protect his bare arms. Soon enough, his wife came out of the house in a rush ready to get on with the walk. As she made it to her husband, he noticed she did not have on a jacket. He gently grabbed her hand. She turned toward him confused by the hold up. He tenderly placed both hands on her shoulders as if he were about to rub her cold bare arms. Then he spoke these words, "WOMAN! ARE YOU CRAZY?"

What happens in a marriage that we just quit trying as hard? One of the most common goals set by couples in marriage counseling from my experience is "To grow closer to one another." Romance and intimacy, two very important aspects of a healthy marriage, seems to have faded over time for many of these couples.

In marriage, there is a strong temptation to get lazy, especially for highly committed couples. Afterall, we said our "I do's," the rings are in place, and we know we are in it for the long haul. What more does the relationship need? This is a very dangerous mentality. It reminds me of the story we've all heard of the wife complaining to her husband that "he never tells me he loves me." And his response is......."I told you I loved you when we got married. If it ever changes, I'll let you know." Yes, a funny story to tell, but that mentality kills marriages.

We need to make our marriages intentional. "What does that mean?" you might ask. Well, simply stated, it means that every morning when you wake up, you intend to behave in such a way that will nourish and strengthen your relationship with your spouse. This can sometimes be fun

as you plan enjoyable activities or attempt to be spontaneous. This can also be difficult as you make sure you are discussing problematic issues (e.g., hurt feelings, finances, etc.). Regardless of whether or not being intentional means fun or difficulty for your marriage, it nearly always means WORK. You've heard the quote, "Marriage is work." Well, this is the work portion.

I'm interested in your thoughts regarding what an "Intentional Marriage" means to you. Also, men, please take a look at this article that was published in MetroFamily Magazine out of OKC (I was interviewed in it). It has some great tips for making your marriage intentional. Women, this magazine will have an article published just for you come June 2010. I will post it when it comes out in a few days. Again....your thoughts are appreciated.

Depression: Supporting Your Loved One

Depression has haunted mankind since the beginning of time. When I think of depression, the image that comes to mind is that of the Smoke Monster from ABC's hit series Lost (you know I had to work in Lost into this conversation....this is the final season). For those of you who aren't fans, I'll describe it this way. Depression acts like a black cloud seeking it's next victim. No matter how much of us it devours, it is never quite satisfied. It is a subtle evil, constantly in pursuit of its next victim; and if we are not careful it will eat us alive.

Many people struggle with the questions, "What am I suppose to do when someone I care about is dealing with depression? How can I help?"  Here are a few suggestions you should take into consideration as you help your friend or loved one through the dark times:

1. Do a self-assessment. Ask yourself if you are strong enough to help bear this burden (Gal. 6:2). If you are dealing with a lot in your own life and/or with your family, then you might not be the one that this person needs. If not, then you best move is to connect them with a person or persons that can be the burden-bearer. If you decide you can be this person, move on to suggestion #2.
2. Get into their world. Jesus was awesome at this. We read in John 11:35 that "Jesus wept." When he did this, he provided Mary and Martha exactly what they needed from him as they were grieving the loss of their brother. So, when you get into someone's world, you have to....
3. Put aside your own anxiety and fears. Your feelings of helplessness will tempt you to want to solve the problem. This makes their depression about you and you communicate to them you can't handle it. But if you listen to their story and you hurt with them, you'll find that there is lots of therapy in that kind of behavior. You'll also find that most people have good reason to feel depressed, just as Job did in Job 2. Job even resorted to self-injury as he sat in the ash scraping off his sores. When we read the story of Job, most of us understand his depression. This is easy for us because we are not emotionally connected to Job. It is a lot harder to do when we are emotionally connected to someone and we see them hurting.
4. Determine your role. What role does this person need you to play as part of their support system?
5. Set boundaries. Don't fall into the trap where you find yourself bearing the entire load (see Gal. 6:5).  Not only will you do them a disservice by rescuing them, you will also be doing yourself (and possibly your family) a disservice as you run the risk of falling beneath the weight of this extra load that you have taken on single-handedly.
6. Be prepared to suggest professional help.  Many people keep important phone numbers handy in case of an emergency.  We all know people who have the phone numbers to the local police, firestation, ambulance service, etc.  I think we should also have numbers to one or two mental health professionals. But if you realize that your friend or loved one's depression is not getting better after a few weeks, it might be time to make a referral.  Note: Call 911 or get your loved one to the ER if you feel they are suicidal or homicidal. 

I hope you find these suggestions helpful as you offer support for your friends and loved ones that have the Smoke Monster in their lives.  As always, your thoughts and questions are always appreciated.

Life's A Race. How Will You Finish?

The Beginning. It all began back in October 2009.  I had the priviledge of running a relay marathon with some family and friends in Kansas City.  My portion was about 6 miles.  It was a great experience.  My cousin, Annie, who was on my relay team, ran the 7 mile leg.  We all had a great time.  But, I got to thinking, 6 miles is only a half mile shy of halfway of the half marathon.  A lot of "halfs" I know.   I was visiting with Annie about this....then I started to push her to run a half marathon with me. I thought I was unsuccessful in convincing her of this, but a couple of weeks later, she emailed me saying she wanted to do it.  Even though I originally approached her, I was actually reluctant to agree, because I knew that I would have to train harder than I had ever trained before. However, Annie and I agreed we'd register to run the Half Marathon in the 2010 Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon.

The Training. Annie lives two and a half hours away from me, so we had to train seperately.  Fortunately, I had another "runner" friend, Pam, who agreed to help me train.  We agreed we train on our own throughout the week, but would plan to do several long runs along the way.  And that is what we did.  I was in the gym at least 4 days a week running on a treadmill.  I also decided that running 13.1 miles would be much easier if I were a few pounds lighter, so I joined Weight Watchers to add some structure to my diet.  Pam and I ran our first "long" run, which was only 6 miles. Then 6 soon turned into 10.  I never in my life thought I would be able to run that far.  I was so proud of myself, but I hurt so badly.  Usually the pain sets in the next day, but around mile 8, I could feel the pain from my calves clear up to my shoulders.  Afterwards, I sat down and decided to eat a granola bar to refuel......but it even hurt to chew!  That's right, MY JAW WAS EVEN SORE!

The Injury. My training was going very well, when my biggest fear happened - I injured my foot.  I felt this excrutiating pain on the outer side of my left foot.  I was so worried because the race was only two and a half months away and I still had lots of training to go (this happened before my 10 mile run).  I was so worried and disappointed because I knew I had to lay off it for it to get better, but that is what I did. I resorted to the stationary bike for two weeks while I let my foot heal.  Gradually, I started back training on the treadmill and the foot seemed healthy.  I even ran my 10 mile run shortly after with no problem.  But one day about 6 weeks away from the race, I felt that same pain again. I was so discouraged as I thought that I was not going to be able to run in marathon with Annie.  So I decided to lay off the training until the day of the race and hope I could make it all the way.

The Race.  Race day finally came around (it was actually 2 days ago)  I was optimistic I could finish the race if only my foot didn't start hurting.  Afterall, I was 20 lbs lighter and I had trained very hard. My cousin, Annie, and I stood in the crowd of runners for what seemed like an eternity, but then, sure enough, our race had begun.  Of all the miles we had run in our training, it all came down to the 13.1 we were about to run.....and our goal was simply to FINISH THE RACE.  We started out strong and excited.  I was enjoying myself so much that I didn't even notice the first mile marker.  But one mile soon turned into two, then three, and before we knew it we were at 6. Then I felt it.  The pain in my foot was gradually increasing.  "Oh no" I thought, "How am I gonna do 7 miles on a hurt foot?" But I decided to keep going.  We made it to mile 8 and I was really feeling the pain in my foot at this point.  But this was also the point that my running buddy, Annie, started having knee trouble.  WE WERE FALLING APART!  We stuck it out to mile 10 and then decided that it was in our best interest to walk a little.....but, we were still in the race.  About a mile later we picked back up, but making sure we took it easy.  I remember thinking, "I can't believe I've come this far on hurt foot.  We're gonna do it.  We're actually gonna finish this thing."  Soon enough, the finish line came in sight.  When we saw it, we kicked it gear running faster than we had the entire race.  Annie later said that at that point, the pain in her knee left her.  The same is true for my foot.  Before we knew it were were crossing the finish line.  I looked online at our times and Annie and I finished at the exact same time.  WE STARTED TOGETHER AND WE FINISHED TOGETHER!

The Lesson. We are all running our own race.  We are not competing against each other, but instead we are competing against ourselves.  One thing I learned throughout the training is that I am my own worst enemy. I struggled with eating healthy; I struggled with making it to gym every day.  My struggles had to do with my desire to please my flesh.  I wanted to eat burgers, fries, meat and potatoes instead of having portion control and eating more veggies and drinking more water.  I wanted to sleep, watch TV, or just be lazy instead of getting my butt in the gym.  And ever so often I gave into those temptations, but I never gave up.  Not even when I started to have complications with my foot.  Another thing I learned is this saying, "Why not me?"  I discovered that I was caught up in thinking about all the things I thought I couldn't do...."someone like me could never do (fill in blank)."  Throughout this process, I realized "Why not me?"  What makes others more special than me?  The conclusion I came to is "nothing."  I was and still am afforded the same opportunities as everyone else in this world.  The only thing holding me back.....was ME!  Next, I learned the importance of having a running buddy in this race we call Life.  Pam was my Paul/Accountability and Annie was my Barnabas/Encouragement.  Scheduling runs with Pam kept me motivated to keep training. I didn't want to meet up for our runs and not be able to keep up.  Running with Annie was super encouraging.  We supported each other.  With our injuries, we both probably would have folded if it wasn't for the encouragement we offered each other.  We need accountability and encouragement as we compete in our life-race.  We weren't meant to do it alone.  Lastly, I learned that we must have a goal in mind (i.e., the finish line).  When we can see the finish line, it is amazing what we are capable of doing.  And the feeling of crossing that line is something I cannot even begin to explain.

I hope that you took something away from my experience in running the half marathon.  We all have room to improve, but we must get excited about improving.  In other words, our motivation for improvement needs to come from self-love and positive thinking as opposed to self-hatred and negative thinking.  Good luck to you all as you run your life-race.

Insecurity: A Destroyer of Relationships

We all know people that we would classify as selfish or self-serving.  But what is it about their behavior that makes us put these labels on them?  How come we are moved to comment on their selfishness?  It is because in some way, shape, or form, we have been hurt or offended by their self-serving behavior. 

BUT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT SELFISHNESS OR INSECURITY?

We typically use the label "selfish" to describe someone who appears to have more concern for his/herself over the well-being of others.  This term might be appropriate at times.  However, I think the majority of times we are instead dealing with someone bearing heightened levels of insecurity.

We are all insecure to some degree.  But a mature person is aware of their insecurities and, therefore, works hard to understand them so that their insecurities don't skew their reality and thereby dictate their behavior. That's what "insecurity" does.....it creates an alternate and often flawed logic.  We all, at times, fall victim to this distorted logic.  However, the mature and "secure" (or should I say, "the less insecure") eventually recognize the error and, thus, get back on the safe trail of rational logic.  On the other hand, we find the extremely insecure camped out in this wilderness of flawed logic.   

People with heightened levels of insecurity often play the victim and have trouble thinking outside themselves, which is why we often label them as "selfish."   Many are paranoid and have the tendency to take everything personal. 

No one likes the feeling of insecurity.....not even the extremely insecure like feeling insecure. 

When this happens, the extremely insecure work very hard to acheive stability and security.  However, they do so using flawed logic.  Remember, they have been living in a wilderness of irrational thought.  So, they often want to borrow the security of others to help them feel more stable.  David Schnarch calls this "borrowed functioning."  Do you ever feel drained after being around someone who is extremely insecure?  Well, that is what they do.  You feel drained because they need to use your functioning to feel good about themselves.  But, their efforts to become stable by borrowing the functioning of others often include behaviors the ends up hurting others. What is frustrating is that they don't even realize they are hurting others; but how can they when they are heavily focused on acheiving self-stability or security.  Remember, they have a very hard time thinking outside themselves.  Therefore, in our frustration, we label them "selfish" and try to move on.

Children have the same problem. They operate with flawed logic.  My 2 yr old believes that acquiring a certain toy "right now" will bring him all the happiness and stability he'll ever need.  And if he doesn't get it "now" he will have missed his ONLY opportunity for such a life.  He doesn't understand in the moment that if he let's someone else play with the toy, it will still be there for him to play with and enjoy later on. Part of our job as parents is to help our children develop rational thought. We can also do the same for our friends and family who have been caught up in a web of irrational thought.

Here are some suggestions for you next time you encounter some you would classify as "insecure" or "selfish":

1. Recognize that you have outgrown them. If you take the approach that you are more mature than they are, you are less likely to let their immature behaviors get to you.
2. Determine what game they are playing. In other words, think about how the insecure one attempts to manipulate. Ask yourself, "How does s/he borrow my functioning?
3. Decide you will no longer play that game, but,  you will play your own game instead. As with children, decide what you will and will not stand for.  We are talking about "boundaries" here.  If a boundary you established has been violated, make sure you address it, but in a calm, mature way.  Remember that emotional reactivity means you are still playing their game of immaturity.
4. Always work hard at staying more mature.  Think of it as a contest: Who can behave the most maturely? Make sure you win.

We all encounter the extremely insecure.  I hope these suggestions will be helpful during your next encounter.  As always, your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

What If Every Day Was Your First Day?

Have you ever seen the movie 50 First Dates? If not, allow me to give you a brief synopsis. It is about a guy (played by Adam Sandler) who falls in love with a girl (played by Drew Barrymore). This young woman has a unique disorder that she developed after a horrific car crash. Every night when she goes to sleep she forgets everything that happened that day and her memory is reset back to the day before the crash. Spoiler Alert: At the end of the movie, we see that she married the guy and had child. It is implied that she wakes up every morning and watches a video that catches her up with important events that have happened over time and then....everyday.....she meets her husband and daughter for the first time.

As this movie ended, I got to thinking, what if this sort of thing happened to me? How would this impact my life? How would my relationships change?

What if every day was your first day? What if you met your spouse or child for the first time every day? How would this change your daily interaction?

If this sort of thing could really happen it would no doubt be a real downer in a lot of ways. But there is something we can take away from the concept. For instance, as I contemplate the mother-daughter relationship in this movie, there is no doubt in my mind that the woman's child felt loved every day of her life by her mother. Keep in mind, although the mother is meeting the child for the first time every day, the child still remembers. And she will remember that every day of her life her mother was excited to see her and probably made that day very special.

I know it is impossible for any of us to be in this mindset all of the time. But, I think we, as parents, should work harder to be in this mindset more often. Sometimes parenting becomes such a job or chore that we forget we are supposed to be building relationships with these little people. As a counselor, I see this happen far too often.

At what point in our parent-child relationship do we stop delighting in seeing our children?

My encouragement to you is to make a conscious decision that you will work harder to enjoy being in the presence of those who are important to you. Look into your spouse's eyes and try to remember what you found so special about that person. Overlook the chores that need to be done around the house and get down on your [dirty] floor and play with your children. Call your parents out of the blue just to have a little chat. These small gestures can have such a large impact on your relationships.

If you are not satisfied with your relationships, make the decision that you will take the first step in the change process. I hope these thoughts will help in your journey of change.

The Power of Apology

Many of us have been in the position where we have been hurt and someone owes us an apology. Many of us have also been on the flip side where we are the ones that need to do the apologizing. But does apologizing seem pointless sometimes or maybe even overrated? Because how many times has someone apologized to you and it was the furthest thing from sincere? You might even remember as a child your mother or father telling you to apologize and shake hands with a friend that you had an altercation with. You go through the motions, but it pretty much meant nothing.

So, the questions I raise are"What makes an apology sincere? How is it done right?" A truly effective apology is not easy to do. It requires a level head, emotional maturity, humility, and vulnerability. These attributes are hard to accomplish when your character or reputation is being challenged. Most of us are good people and upstanding citizens; therefore, we don't like to hear that we have hurt someone, especially someone dear to us. So, when we apologize, we tend to make our apologies about us. For example, this might look like, "I'm sorry, but (fill in the blank)." When we try to offer an explanation right off the bat, we discredit the apology. It's a defense.....it's the furthest thing from becoming vulnerable.

So, before you make an apology, consider the following ADVICE:

1. Remember, the purpose of the apology is to restore the relationship, thus, think about what you want to say and how you want to say it.
2. Ask yourself, "Am I truly apologizing or am I trying to provide him/her rationale/understanding for my behavior?"
3. If the words, "but" "however" or "although" are part of the content, then you probably are not ready to apologize.
4. Remember, your logic or rationale for your behavior does NOT take away the hurt. The hurt is very real and influenced by something you did despite your intentions.
5. Remember, the apology isn't about you, so do NOT wait around for an "I forgive you" response.

Allow me to give you an EXAMPLE of what a powerful apology looks like: A father might say to a child "(Kneeling down to eye level of hurt child, with both hands on child's shoulders) I am sorry that I haven't been the dad I need to be. I will work harder at (fill in the blank). I hope you can forgive me. (Parent kisses child on forehead and immediately turns to leave)."

I want you to notice first, that the parent lowered himself physically making himself an equal to the child (not easy for a parent to do). Next, notice that he did not offer any excuses or explanations for his behavior. He simply acknowledged his shortcomings and apologized. Lastly, notice that the father did NOT wait around for the child to respond. Remember, the apology isn't about you. Part of the risk in truly apologizing is that you won't be forgiven. Forgiveness is strictly up to the person doing the forgiving. If you hang around for their response, then you are putting them under undo pressure to forgive you.

I hope you take away something useful from this entry. Any insights you have are more than welcomed. I look forward to reading them.

Is Texting Detrimental on Relationships?

Do you text? Do you tweet? Are you on Facebook or MySpace? Social networking has hit the floor running over the past few years. I have to admit, I, myself, have been sucked in to the social networking world. I have a Facebook account; I can be followed on Twitter; I can be connected with on LinkedIn; and I also am a part of Christian networking site known as Missional Outreach Network developed by a friend of mine.

When we sign up for such sites, we do not really think anything of it. Afterall, what harm could come by it. Most of the sites have privacy controls now so we can limit who views our profiles and we can select whom we allow in our circle - our "friends." I am still surprized as to how many users accept people they don't even know into their "friends" list, but that is another post for another time. There are a lot of positive things that can come through these social networking sites. You can reconnect and stay connected with friends and family. You can advance your business or further a cause. You can even use it as a tool for Christian outreach. But what happens when we don't set boundaries with these sites? Or with texting for that matter?

Although people stay connected through social networking and texting, these forms of communication can also be detrimental to relationships. I have seen full blown arguments take place on Facebook. I am aware of difficult, deep conversations taking place via texting and instant messenger. Using such methods in attempt to resolve conflict or converse about deep issues is not the wisest form of communication one could choose. In fact, it most likely will work against you rather than for you.

One reason we shouldn't use social networking or texting to discuss relationship problems is because others are left to interpret the meaning of our written words. Most of the time when this happens, the messages are written on a whim without much thought put into it, not to mention that most people try to keep them short to preserve time and space. Reading tone and emotion is almost next to impossible anyway, but this makes it all the more difficult.

Another reason we should choose wisely on our approach to discuss problematic issues has to do with the concept of vulnerability. Whenever we feel hurt, angry, confused, etc., we enter into a state of vulnerability. This is when we often say or do things that we regret later, which is why in order to keep relationships healthy, we must learn to effectively communicate and resolve conflict when we are feeling vulnerable. These are not easy skills to acquire and there is always more to learn. But, people are starting to gravitate toward wall posts, IM, and, the easiest avenue, TEXTING. They choose this method because it is safe, but it is extremely ineffective and often ends up perpetuating the problem and the hurt connected to it.

This is my encouragement to you. When you are faced with a dilemma with a close friend, relative, or especially your spouse, PUT DOWN YOUR PHONES and CLOSE YOUR LAPTOPS. Take a risk and go to them and talk it out like adults. Using these "safe" methods are often childish and cowardice. Jesus knew what he was talking about in Matthew 18 when he commanded us to go to one another when we feel like we've been sinned against. He knew that when we feel hurt or betrayed by someone we love, we should approach them in person (the narrow road) and not take easy way out (the broad road).

I am very interested in hearing your thoughts on this matter.

Focus on Integrity

A couple of weeks ago, I heard a great lesson presented by Mark Taylor, from Memorial Road Church of Christ, entitled "How to Live with Spiritual Integrity." Mark did a great job emphasizing how we need to (1) keep our conscience clean (2 Corinthians 1:12) and (2) keep our conduct Christ-like. But how does integrity fit in the marital relationship? What role does it play in parenting?

When I am working with couples and parents in counseling, I emphasize the tremendous importance of behaving with integrity. Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, points out that we actually need to work at raising our integrity. Behaving with integrity needs to be at the forefront of minds because it can be so easily compromised.

So, "What is integrity?" you might ask. Here's my definition: When your behavior accurately reflects your values, morals, and beliefs. Sounds simply, eh? Well, unfortunately, it's a lot easier said than done. You might be thinking, "I do this. I don't struggle with compromising my values, morals, and/or beliefs." If that is the case, then kudos for you. I hope there are others around you that learn from your example. But, many might think they don't struggle with this, but really do and just don't know it.

Living with integrity is especially hard in relationships because we have this part within us that tends to complicate things and cloud our judgement......a component of our being we like to call emotions. When our emotions drive our behaviors, we often find ourselves doing things that bring shame upon us. We often find ourselves in this predicament in our relationships because of the emotional connection that is shared. I will assume that most of you value marriage. So think about this, when things get tense in your marriage, how do you and/or your spouse treat each other? Do you yell and scream? Do you belittle or nag? Do you use sarcasm or put-downs? When we give into these urges, we have immediately compromised our integrity. What about the parent-child relationship? Most of us value that relationship as well. Therefore, have you found yourself making emotional outbursts toward your children? Do you not follow through with discipline or make empty threats? Do you ignore or disconnect from your children when things get tense? Do you neglect them the privilege of seeing you love their mother/father (2-parent families)? Again.........giving in to these temptations is an instantaneous compromise of integrity.

My encouragement and challenge for you is to NOT let the subtleties of these temptations creep up on you. Keep the thought that "I am to behave with integrity ALL the time" at the forefront of your mind, especially when things get tense. Work hard at staying rational and not letting your emotions take over. It's not easy, but it can be done.

Can Unconditional Love Exist in a Marriage?

In marriage (or couples) counseling, this question often comes up in one way or another. A wife might say, "I love my husband unconditionally, but I don't believe he does." Or, a husband might make the claim that he does certain things because he loves his wife unconditionally. But can it really be done? Afterall, we know the Lord loves us with unconditional (agape) love. But did he set up the marital relationship to function in the same capacity as his relationship with us?

It is hard for me to make the claim that one can love their spouse unconditionally. Marriage is a give and take relationship. We expect certain exchanges to take place, if they don't the marriage tends to deteriorate. There are popular books that center around this thought like His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Both of these books focus on how making the necessary exchanges in the marital relationship is key to the vitality of the relationship. Harley uses the analogy of the "Love Bank." If we are only making withdrawals from our spouse's love bank and not making any deposits, we'll experience a deficit in the relationship.

Look at it this way. Have you paid attention to how hard it is to make a marriage work? We have to make a decision every day to love our spouses and stay in the relationship. Some days this is very easy for most, but there are other days that this is very difficult. Now, how hard is it for us to make this decision with our children? For most parents, although sometimes we don't enjoy being parents, we would not consider for a second giving up our children. No matter how much they tire us out or how much they hurt us or how much they interrupt our lives, we still choose them. Why, you might ask? Well, because we CAN love our children unconditionally. If our spouses treated us like our kids often do, we'd have a hard time justifying the marriage.

Although I don't believe unconditional love exists in the marital relationship, we can have unconditional commitment. Do the words "Til death do us part" ring a bell? Everytime a couple enters my office for marriage counseling, they are doing their best to uphold this notion of "unconditional commitment." And having a strong sense of unconditional commitment is what often saves marriages.

The Daddy's Perspective: Part II

It's been 5 days since Liam was born and I still can't believe he is ours. On numerous occasions I have said or thought to myself, "I can't believe we have 2 kids now." Nine years ago God blessed me with the most wonderful woman I had ever met. His blessings continue to reign down on me as evidenced by these two wonderful boys he has placed in my life.


You know, my perspective of Liam's birth was somewhat different from my perspective of Casen's. There were some obvious differences. For example, the labor was less intense, so my hand hurt less; not to mention the fact that I forgot how the breathing was supposed to work (note: thanks to the nurses and my wife for refreshing my memory). But these aren't the kind of differences I'm talking about.


As I walked in to the hospital on December 28th, a since of familiarity rushed over me. I'd been here before. I'm not referring to the hospital, but to this place in life. Nearly 2 years ago, I was checking my wife and myself into a room in the labor and delivery ward; and on this day, I found myself doing it again. As I sat on the "cozy" loveseat in our room, I patiently listened to the nurse go over all the necessary paperwork and expectations with my soon-to-be induced wife. I kind of zoned in and out, because, afterall, I'd heard it all before. The whole experience was becoming kind of anti-climactic - almost as if it wasn't as special because it was the 2nd time around. Little did I know that God was about to give me a rude awakening.


As labor progressed, I worked hard at resuming my role as breathing coach and supportive husband. But I often found myself checking the clock not only in anticipation of the arrival of this new little guy, but also with inpatience as I wondered "When is this going to end?" Again, I think I'd convinced myself that this time just wasn't going to be as special, so I just wanted to get it over with....afterall, I did remember how much I hated seeing my bride in so much pain. However, as labor intensified, I started to feel the same feelings I had 2 years ago......feelings of fear as I watched the delivery......feelings of excitement as I was about to meet my new baby boy after a long 9 months of waiting......feelings of awe as I thought about how amazing God is that He formed this child in his mother's womb. I started having glimpses of my first son's birth. I remembered his HUGE head. I remembered how he didn't breath for about 10 seconds (the longest 10 seconds of my life). I remembered how his lifeless purple body changed to a glorious peach as God breathed in him the breath of life. God had reminded me of not only how amazing He is, but also, how honored I was to be a part of this experience for a second time.


However, God had one final display of His awe in store for me. He didn't show me by growing a huge baby as Liam was quite a bit smaller than Casen. He didn't show me by having me wait 10 seconds for Liam to take his first breath as Liam came out kicking and screaming. But what he had in store for me was quite different than what I experienced 2 years ago; and quite AWEsome to say the least. After the good doctor gently pulled Liam from his mother's womb (and nearly dropping him I might add) she gently placed him on his mother's chest. This was familiar ground again. I am very fond of the memory I have when I saw my wife look at our first born for the first time. It was her reaction that brings tears to my eyes to this day. So when the good doctor laid our newly born baby upon my wife's chest, I zeroed in on my wife's face as I waited for her amazing reaction. But it wasn't upon my wife's face where God would show His awe and glory, but upon the face of my newly born son. I watched mother and son gaze into each other's eyes and time stood still. It seemed they were communicating telepathically as if they were saying to each other, "Hello there. I've waited a long time for this moment. We are finally together." Then God did it. Because the most amazing thing happened next - he smiled.